Gay Daddy & Bear Blog: Age Appropriate

Kirk Read
January 19, 2009
Category: Dating

Kirk,

I have always had to envision a scene from a porn flick in my head to get off, with every guy I've ever been with. I've talked to therapists about why I can't get off just on the present situation and the person I'm with.

A lot of times, I'm with someone who isn't physically attractive to me, but some aspect of their personality, or their voice, or their touch turns me on. So I watch a hot scene I've pulled up while we're having sex to get off. I thought it would be helpful to have porn going while having sex with someone- not to distract me from the sex I'm having, but more of a focusing tool, (a little ADD here,) and a mood setter. But I'm always afraid to ask for fear of insulting a sex partner.

Sadly, I've barely had the opportunity to be with a guy with whom I find really physically hot. This would be the bodybuilder, muscle boy types, And while I am muscular, and attractive and hot to many non-muscle types -  the muscle men I like don't find me attractive. There's probably some esteem issues mixed in there to.

Any advice? Is it OK to be fantasizing about porn while I'm having sex with a guy. Would you be insulted if I turned on porn while we were having sex?
 
Dear Porno King,

Sorry to start off with a crass, potentially offensive generalization, but my experience of therapists is that when it comes to sexual advice, you’re often better off asking a hooker. So you’ve knocked on the right door.

Lots of gay men are neck-deep in porn, so...

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January 16, 2009
Category: Wellness

Aside from my years of involvement with weight training and other fitness activities, I have been practicing meditation in one form or another for over 40 years. Although meditation techniques and the philosophies that underlie them may differ greatly, meditation in general involves quieting the body and mind to achieve a state of peaceful alertness in which one can experience deep insight into the nature of self and the universe. However, the peace, clarity, and sense of meaningfulness of life that come with regular practice of silent meditation can seem to evaporate as soon as you open your eyes and enter the workaday world.

When I started teaching public high school back in 1984, I also started exploring ways to carry the benefits of silent meditation into my work life that often seemed stressful and hostile to serenity.

Two ancient traditions that in general have regarded meditation as an important spiritual practice for millennia are Hinduism and Buddhism. Both traditions offer us various models for bringing greater serenity and centeredness into daily activities. You need not subscribe to any dogma or belief system to benefit from some of these techniques. You need only possess an open mind and the willingness to use your own body and mind as laboratories for experimentation and discovery.

Much of mental stress in life, what Buddhists often sum up with the term ”suffering,“ comes from anxious...

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Frank Strona
January 14, 2009
Category: Health

Every so often I think about sexual health and how, as gay men, we have become so focused on STDs that we forget that as we age other things happen to our bodies, and specifically our dicks, unrelated to STDs.

A few that I’ve spent some time looking into recently are Peyronie's disease and Priapism, both of which affect our dicks and can be a rather uncomfortable and perhaps embarrassing conditions. Yet I rarely hear about them, so until I started reading up on it at the request of a pal I was pretty much in the dark as well.

Since I’m not a medically trained professional, I certainly can’t diagnose and these are just my personal thoughts  but I figured I’d share some highlights that I found and a few links to that I thought useful.

Peyronie's disease

Peyronie's is essentially a tissue condition that involves an abnormal curve upwards in the penis. Now, before you all start looking at your dicks, many of us have some slight curve in one direction or the other as a normal condition. What is distinguishing for Peyronie’s is that it can cause pain, and an extreme abnormal curve when erect. In some cases a shortening of the length can occur. During the early stages of Peyronie's, pain is often reported, some erectile dysfunction can occur as well. For most men, the ability to have sex can be maintained with...

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R. Jackson
January 13, 2009
Category: Gay Culture

In a real-life case of the controversial 2005 children’s book about gay penguins, And Tango Makes Three, a male penguin couple in the Polar Land zoological park in Harbin, northern China, that last month were separated from their colony for stealing eggs from straight couples, has been given some of their own to look after, and now are being praised as model parents.

The flightless male birds were segregated after they were seen placing stones at the feet of parents before waddling away with their fertile eggs. Zookeepers said the couple were removed from the group not because of discrimination, but so as keep the colony tranquil during hatching time.

Dismayed visitors complained it was unfair to ostracize the couple and prevent them from becoming surrogate fathers, and urged the zoo to give them a chance at daddyhood. In response, zookeepers gave the prospective fathers two eggs to hatch “from another couple whose hatching ability had been poor, and they've [the male penguins] turned out to be the best parents in the whole zoo.”

“One of the responsibilities of being a male adult is looking after the eggs,” stated a zoo worker. “Despite the fact that they can't have eggs naturally, it does not take away their biological drive to be a parent.”

Central Park Zoo in New York City is home to Roy and Silo, the real-life happy...

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Kirk Read
January 12, 2009
Category: Dating

Dear Kirk,

I’m an older, average-looking bear who’s attracted to young, beautiful muscle studs. I haven’t had sex in a long time, because there just aren’t any guys that turn me on that are into me. I wish my standards weren’t so high, but I just can’t bring myself to be more attracted to other types of men. I had a sweet, decent looking skinny young guy come onto me recently and I really wanted to try and pick him up, but I was afraid that it just wouldn’t work for me. How can I open up my attraction to younger men that are just average, like me?

Dear Average Joe,

You have the kind of cooties that a lot of people have. Not just gay men, either. Tons of people are fixated on unrealistic standards of beauty. You’re not alone in this. There’s no harm in being attracted to muscled young hunks, but if it’s to the exclusion of everyone else, you’re writing yourself a prescription for misery.

I think we are disturbing our capacity for sexual attraction by constantly immersing ourselves in porn that features only guys with the kinds of bodies that we find exhilarating. Whether our trip is hairy bodies, masculine guys, muscle guys, skinny twinks, blondes, Asian men, African American men, Latino men…it’s great to have things we like. It’s not so great to be confined by our narrow checklists.

You say you haven’t had sex in a while because you can’t find a guy you’re attracted to who fits your...

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January 9, 2009
Category: Health

It doesn't require too much imagination to think of situations where greater flexibility would confer a great advantage. (I'm thinking of myself on my back with my feet next to my ears, for example…) Men often avoid flexibility training either because they hold the ridiculous notion that it is just for women (Remember Jane Fonda in tights?) or that it is just not as sexy as pumping iron or sweating on a treadmill. Stretching does involve a certain degree of sustained discomfort, however slight, and without the sex appeal of cardio and weight training flexibility training is all too easily skipped over.

This is unfortunate because one cannot claim to have a complete fitness program without doing some flexibility training. This kind of training is important for everyone to speed recovery from other forms of exercise, reduce the duration and severity of delayed onset muscle soreness (DOMS), and improve your versatility in a variety of situations. It becomes especially important as our bodies age because greater flexibility means less likelihood of injury in even normal, everyday activities.

We used to think that stretching should be done before weight training as part of a warm-up routine. However, research has shown that deep stretching of muscles actually reduces their ability to contract strongly, and this effect is definitely not desirable when you are trying to build some lean tissue.

In my...

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Walter Smith
January 8, 2009
Category: Politics

A recent study has shown that African-Americans in California were far less supportive of proposition 8 -- which banned gay marriage in California in Novemer - than originally believed, but still more supportive than several other groups.

The study by Patrick J. Egan, Ph.D., assistant professor of politics and public policy at New York University, and Kenneth Sherrill, Ph.D., professor of political science at Hunter College, CUNY, under the auspices of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Policy Institute shows that while exit polls indicated Black voters supported Prop 8 by nearly 70 percent, they in fact supported it by about 58 percent.

The study looked at pre- and post-election polls and conducted a sophisticated analysis of precinct-level voting data from five California counties with the highest African-American populations (Alameda (Oakland), Los Angeles, Sacramento, San Diego and San Francisco). Based on this, it concludes that the level of African-American support for Proposition 8 was in the range of 57-59 percent.

Egan said, "Party identification, age, religiosity and political view had much bigger effects than race, gender or having gay and lesbian family and friends."

According to the San Francisco Chronicle, "...support among blacks is still well above the 52 percent Prop. 8 received from all voters in the...

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Walter Smith
January 6, 2009
Category: Gay Culture

We don't mean to suggest a secret bromance between straight author John Irving and gay writer Edmund White, but in a recent interview, Irving called White's book A Boy's Own Story far superior to The Catcher in the Rye.

"We're the same age, and I remember when I first read A Boy's Own Story—in the early 1980s—and I thought that the novel spoke much more to me about a boy coming of age (even though it's about a gay boy coming of age, and I'm not gay) than The Catcher in the Rye ever did. I reread The Catcher in the Rye recently, and it doesn't hold up at all; it's just not very well, or...

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Kirk Read
January 5, 2009
Category: Dating

Dear Kirk,

While I have enjoyed many wonderful encounters from this and related sites, ones that cater to an older/younger audience, I sometimes feel that I am either misleading or dishonest.  Recently, I met a young man and we began an email conversation.  He always referred to me in his mail as "sexy daddy" and we ultimately met.  Now, I realize he only wanted a "daddy" type for play, nothing more and I can deal with that. Yet, I find I am not comfortable with the daddy label for myself even if it accurately describes who I am, especially in the eyes of the young.

I have many friends in long term relationships who are of the older/younger milieu and who are completely happy together.  When I am around them, I sense how right they are for each other even when separated in age by 30 years or more.  Nevertheless, I so often feel that I am not a real person in their eyes but one they have conjured up that suits their fantasies.   In short, I don't need to be real---just OLD

I understand the attraction, the chemistry aspects of any sexual allure, and my fondness for younger guys never wavers.  I would appreciate your thoughts and any suggestions of how I may alter my profile to be more accurate about my tastes.  I tend to have a way with words---perhaps all the wrong ones!

Dear Uncomfortable Daddy,

Thanks for your astute and honest letter. Intergenerational dynamics are indeed complicated. Roles like daddy/boy, master/...

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Walter Smith
January 3, 2009
Category: Politics

New laws passed in Australia in November mean widows of war veterans in that Country can apply for pension benefits. The new laws come as a result of a ruling by the United Nations' Office of the High Commissioner for Human Rights in the case of Edward Young of Australia.

According to an article in The Age, Young's partner of 38 years, Larry Cains, served in the Australian Army in Borneo during World War II. The two met in London in 1960 when Cains was a photographer and Young a model.  "He was desperately handsome," Young said, "we spent two weeks together and I told him I wanted to spend my life with him."


Edward Young  Photo: Peter Rae/ The Age

Young's battle began 10 years ago with the death of his partner.  Young applied for the pension only to be told that he and Cains were not a legally recognized couple under the Veteran's Entitlement Act.  The UN court ruled in his favor in 2003, saying Australia breached the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights, but the government of then Prime Minister John Howard held out on reviewing Mr. Young's case.

A spokeswoman for Veteran's Affiars said the new law will come into effect on July 1 of this year and...

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