Gay Daddy & Bear Blog: Age Appropriate

Debra Haffner
December 1, 2009
Category: Gay Culture

It's World AIDS Day.

And we remember.

We remember the 25 million people who have died of AIDS since the epidemic began.

We remember that there are more than 33 million people in the world who are living with HIV now.

We remember that each year, nearly 3 million people are newly infected with HIV in the world.

We remember that almost every one of those new cases could have been been prevented.

We remember that the United States took too long to respond to the epidemic, and that U.S. policies privileging abstinence over condoms and safer sex education still put people around the world at risk.

I remember my friends and colleagues who died way too young -- Bill, Danny, Billy, Stuart, Lacey, Marjorie, Damien, Michael. You have your list too.

And we remember those who insisted on a sane, compassionate, realistic response to the epidemic: to my brave colleagues in Act Up, local health departments, the Centers for Disease Control, the WHO. Those who continue to work to make sure we do not forget and we do not give up working for prevention and services for people living with AIDS and adequate medications and education for everyone.

We remember -- with love and a conviction that there is still so much more work we must do.

Rev. Debra W. Haffner is executive director of the Religious Institute in Westport, CT.  The Religious Institute is a national, multifaith organization dedicated to promoting sexual health and sexual justice in religious communities and society at large.  Among its...

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Duke Greenhill
November 24, 2009
Category: Health

As you know, I write a great deal of material for fitness magazines like Men's Health, Men's Fitness, Exercise for Men, and others. In over a decade of writing for such "rags," I am chagrined that their pages speak (almost) exclusively to the 35-and-under crowd, with little content relaying the scientific and physiological discoveries pertaining to more mature men. I am currently working on my first book, "The Secrets of People Who Never Get Sick," with a dear friend of mine, New York Times bestselling non-fiction author, Gene Stone, who happens to be over 40. In our discussions about fitness over 40, I discovered the dearth of information on weightlifting and the forty-plus man. I want to ameliorate that here, so I turned to a colleague, Dave Draper, who is a 40-plus professional bodybuilder, and together we formulated this sample of FAQ's… fitness and the man over 40.

Q. Is it true that men over 40 lose the ability to pack on mass? I want to get bigger. Can I?

A. Two truths should be revisited and underscored at this point: we all age, and as we do, our bodies respond to exercise less efficiently. A third truth can be added: 40 to 50 are still very good years for growth. Our smaller muscle groups -- rear delts, calves, obliques and the like -- that have not been overtrained in the previous 40 years still hold tremendous potential for growth. At the end of the day, everyone is different, and genetics will play an integral role in your ability to add mass. The most important thing: the over 40 lifter must be careful not to be dominated or...

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Jim Sullivan
November 17, 2009
Category: Dating

This blog post is about how to meet a single guy for dating, courtship and a long term partnership. Though hooking up with guys can be fun and exciting I’m in the “how to” find a Boyfriend/Soulmate/Partner/Spouse/Husband/ trade-- the love business, so to speak.

Four myths of dating.

First: “All the good guys are taken.” What a bummer this one is—I can assure you that not all the good guys are taken and in fact there is a great pool of adorable, smart men waiting to meet their future mate. Some of them are reading this post right now.

Second: “I can’t deal with rejection” Reality check: rejection is part of the dating scene. It’s a great equalizer—gorgeous guys, and men from every state of life have gotten rejected. It sucks but ultimately the best answer to rejection is a four letter word, “Next!”

Third: “Men will flock to me for dates.” If only! Ninety percent of men are not going to approach you-you’re going to have to approach them. Even hot guys have to make the first move. I promise you’ll develop a sexy confidence –a quality many singles are drawn to.

Fourth: “Dating is not work.” Dating is work but with a great dividend: a boyfriend. But it’s also has to be fun; otherwise, you’ll never be motivated to take a risk. Suggest to your date fun places to go (amusement park, wrestling competition, gallery opening) and to do (drive to the ocean, horseback riding). No need to turn first dates into exhaustive talkathons. Get out there and have some fun.

Dealing with Resistance. My partner and I met at one of my weekend...

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Jim Arnold
November 7, 2009
Category: Health

Caveat: I’m not a doctor, and I don’t even play one on TV. This is all my opinion.

When that phone rang one dreary gray morning back in 2001, and it was my urologist calling with test results, I fully expected to be exonerated once again from a medical malady, as I’d always slipped by before, no matter what the test, usually with passing grades and a smile.

Not this time. The news as cloudy as the weather, the apologetic voice said that the biopsy results were positive for prostate cancer, and we needed to make an appointment to discuss what to do next.

I was in shock. Only 46 that year, my lucky personal experience with disease was limited to increasingly infrequent colds and flus, a broken collarbone at 6, and a nasty bout with Hep A. For me, the gold standard around which all health issues revolved was the yearly HIV test, and as long as I could keep passing that, nothing else would even come close.

As I did my research and discussed the options with the doctors, the more it occurred to me that prostate cancer (PC) was a numbers game. There was a number for the PSA (prostate specific antigen), a blood test you take, which when elevated, can be an indicator of PC. There was your age, also a number, a higher number (say, 75 vs. 46) being indicative of both the kind of treatment that would be recommended and the likelihood of surviving PC and dying of something else. Finally, there was the Gleason score, which was a numbering system indicating the aggressiveness of the cancer cells, a higher number being worse...

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October 24, 2009
Category: Gay Culture

I read in the NY Times magazine section today about how increasingly middle-school students as young as 11 and 12 are declaring their sexual-affectional identities to friends, family, and teachers. This is a welcome evolution of gay liberation that has resulted from decades of gay activism and the gradual inclusion of more accurate images of LGBT people in media. It is significant that young people with no sexual experience recognize their sexual-affectional identities at such young ages because being gay is more about whom and how we love and how this colors our experience of the world than about sex only. The article points out that parents never question their children when they admit to opposite-sex attractions at a young age, but they nearly always do with same-sex attractions. The common question, ”How can you know for sure at your age?“ is just another form of denial of their gay child’s reality that they would never think to impose on non-gay children. The article goes on to describe some support programs for gay youth, but it also reports what we all assume, that anti-gay bullying and harassment is still pervasive in schools and almost never challenged by teachers or administrators even in relatively liberal school districts.

Although it is tempting to jump to the conclusion that the work of gay liberation is nearly complete when we learn of such openness in the young, the passage of Proposition 8 in California last year provided a stunning wake-up call to young...

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Duke Greenhill
October 8, 2009
Category: Health

John Fitzgerald Kennedy said, "Physical fitness is not only one of the most important keys to a healthy body, it is the basis of dynamic and creative intellectual activity."  Though not Jack's most eloquent moment (perhaps he had Marilyn or missiles on the brain), I know exactly what he means.  After I modeled for the new Daddyhunt campaign, they asked me if I would be interested in writing a health and fitness blog.  I accepted with a self-imposed mandate to approach writing about fitness in a JFK-approved fashion:  from a cerebral and not a body-centric perspective, from a scientific and not superficial one.  Thinking such a task might prove painless at worst (I have countless bylines in all of the major fitness publications) I set to reviewing the blog entries and member comments that had come before me, and discovered painless it was not.


One entry ("Daddy, You're Gonna Carry That Weight") seemed at first as innocuous as a leather studded harness in the Castro, but when I investigated the consequent member discourse, I discovered evidence that a great schism of Episcopalian proportions may exist in the gay community: on one side are those...

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October 1, 2009
Category: Gay Culture

Recently new hunky Hollywood it-man Gerard Butler was quoted as saying that he had dated men, as well as women, in the past, supposedly from a 1994 interview with Movieline magazine.  It turned out the quote was bogus, and while there is something interesting in the fact that it happened to come out RIGHT while he was promoting his new romantic comedy, what really interested me was the reactions on gay blogs when the news broke.  Peppered within typical variations of “I’d hit that” and musing about the “300” hottie’s body was something I hadn’t really thought existed… true bisexual bigotry.
What started as a standard dialogue regarding the questionable heterosexuality of Hollywood’s leading men (a common gay man’s pastime) quickly turned into a pretty heated, and nasty, debate on the truth of bisexuality in general.  From the old thought that bisexuality is just a layover on the way to gay-town, to rage-full rants on the convenience of the life of the bisexual.  That they get all the dick they want on the side, but when it comes to public fronts, they get to play straight and be part of “regular” society.  And then a very emotional response, which really got the words flying, from a bisexual man who rarely “outs” himself as bisexual as he had been completely abandoned by all of his gay friends when he started dating a woman after a years-long relationship with a man ended.  All of this got me thinking… do I really believe in bisexuality?

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Frank Strona
September 9, 2009
Category: Dating

I’ve been recently chatting with a very nice guy in another city who is eager to meet someone available, honest and into the same things that he is. I understand all too well the process of weeding out potentials from online, especially when you have a huge  desire to be with someone.

During one of our chats, he mentioned how he was going to be traveling to meet someone he had been chatting with online, and that the fella had offered to "buy" him a flight back if he could get himself out there. Just the whole idea of it, put me on edge (maybe its the Daddy in me coming out...) but I began to think about what are good boundaries to have when traveling to meet a man in a different city. Questions like: Who pays? Where to stay?  And how to stay safe.

A few thoughts to consider before you hop on that plane;

1)    Make your own arrangements. If you can’t afford the entire  airfare or travel money to get to him and stay on your own (with friends or a hotel) the first time – then it might not be a good time to go.

2)    Money is power and who has it, often controls the situation. It’s great to be “invited” out for a “come meet” but even if your potential partner is paying half the expenses, there is no guarantee he will follow through with his commitments. This is especially true if the chemistry isn't right. In other words, you could be left on your own in a strange city, no place to stay and no way to get home.

3)    Have a...

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August 26, 2009
Category: Gay Culture

In this article I invite the reader to a depth and breadth of philosophical reflection than is unusual for this forum. I hope that readers who accept the challenge of this invitation will be stimulated to think about themselves both as individuals and as a community in possibly new and transformative ways and thus be rewarded for the effort.

“For our own liberation and for the benefit of the world.”

We are all familiar with the term secular humanism, but far fewer people are familiar with spiritual humanism, a philosophy that acknowledges the common interests of human beings as important guidelines for understanding how we can best live together in this world (humanism), but at the same time affirms transpersonal levels of collective being and interconnectedness that provide a deeper rationale for ethical behavior. Spiritual...

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Kirk Read
August 19, 2009
Category: Relationships

Dear Kirk,

My Name is Larry and I'm 19. I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now and he is 37. Like most relationships we've had our ups and downs. We've argued and we've made up. He can be really sweet sometimes, leaving me little notes everywhere...he likes to surprise me with little gifts, no matter how small. But he also can be a complete ass. He has this amazing gift of saying the wrong thing at the absolute worst time for it. Like "I don't understand why you're stressing over exams...they're not important."

I've also just realized how controlling he is, when he'd ask me every day to go upstairs and get his laptop for him, or get him a drink etc. If i ask anything of him he tells me to "get it myself and stop being so lazy.”

We'll be in bed, having a nice hug when he grabs my cock. So I'm guessing it wouldn't be wrong for me to assume he...

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