Kirk Read
February 13, 2009
Category: Dating

Dear Kirk,

So, we connected on the internet and decided to meet for drinks. Fifteen minutes after meeting (well, it really only took about 5) I realized this guy was not someone that I was interested in AT ALL! Truthfully, I was flattered when he emailed and I found out he was fifteen years younger than I am. Trying to keep a conversation going with someone whose only interests are going to Renaissance fairs, playing video games, and watching reruns of old TV shows on the Sci-Fi channel was difficult, to say the least. Especially since he never asked me one question about myself. I couldn’t call him to say I wasn’t interested because we didn’t exchange phone numbers. So, the next morning I sent a short email that I had enjoyed meeting him but didn't feel a connection and didn't think we had anything in common. Well, I got a diatribe back stating that you can't judge anyone on one conversation. So, what did I do that was so wrong?

Just Not That Into Him

Dear JNTIH:

I think you did your duty here. There are lots of guys who wouldn’t have contacted him at all, so I appreciate that you were honest with him. More and more, I find, people are using the internet to simply ignore one another. Especially with Valentine’s Day approaching, where people are looking for someone to love, it’s a good time to sharpen your dating game!

I’m curious about what sort of emails you exchanged in order to set up the date. It doesn’t seem like any of his hobbies came up in either his...

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Kirk Read
February 6, 2009
Category: Dating

Dear Kirk,

Last night I invited a guy over from the internet and was really attracted to him but couldn’t play with him because he smelled so bad – he reeked of cigarettes and body odor. Am I being uptight to expect someone to bathe before coming over?

You’re not necessarily uptight, you just have some preferences. When you’re meeting a guy, it’s safe to assume that he’ll have some preferences that are different from yours. What strikes you as a violation of basic hygiene might be the thing that makes him feel masculine and primal.

Smells are a matter of taste. There are guys who gag at the thought of a musky armpit. There are also guys who’d love nothing more than to stick their noses and tongues into a funky armpit. It’s like communion for them. There are guys who save up several days worth of stink. Maybe this guy thought you’d like it! Maybe he’s had positive responses from other men. The “no deodorant” policy has long been a staple of gay leatherman culture. There are guys who get turned on by a construction worker arriving at their house fresh from the job site, or a guy coming directly from the gym, bringing salty layers of dried sweat on his skin

As for smoking, there are guys who get really turned on by the smell of tobacco in a smoker’s beard, and there are guys who can’t kiss a smoker even after he’s brushed and rinsed.

Rather than make a checklist of  things everyone should do before meeting a...

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Kirk Read
January 19, 2009
Category: Dating

Kirk,

I have always had to envision a scene from a porn flick in my head to get off, with every guy I've ever been with. I've talked to therapists about why I can't get off just on the present situation and the person I'm with.

A lot of times, I'm with someone who isn't physically attractive to me, but some aspect of their personality, or their voice, or their touch turns me on. So I watch a hot scene I've pulled up while we're having sex to get off. I thought it would be helpful to have porn going while having sex with someone- not to distract me from the sex I'm having, but more of a focusing tool, (a little ADD here,) and a mood setter. But I'm always afraid to ask for fear of insulting a sex partner.

Sadly, I've barely had the opportunity to be with a guy with whom I find really physically hot. This would be the bodybuilder, muscle boy types, And while I am muscular, and attractive and hot to many non-muscle types -  the muscle men I like don't find me attractive. There's probably some esteem issues mixed in there to.

Any advice? Is it OK to be fantasizing about porn while I'm having sex with a guy. Would you be insulted if I turned on porn while we were having sex?
 
Dear Porno King,

Sorry to start off with a crass, potentially offensive generalization, but my experience of therapists is that when it comes to sexual advice, you’re often better off asking a hooker. So you’ve knocked on the right door.

Lots of gay men are neck-deep in porn, so...

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Kirk Read
January 12, 2009
Category: Dating

Dear Kirk,

I’m an older, average-looking bear who’s attracted to young, beautiful muscle studs. I haven’t had sex in a long time, because there just aren’t any guys that turn me on that are into me. I wish my standards weren’t so high, but I just can’t bring myself to be more attracted to other types of men. I had a sweet, decent looking skinny young guy come onto me recently and I really wanted to try and pick him up, but I was afraid that it just wouldn’t work for me. How can I open up my attraction to younger men that are just average, like me?

Dear Average Joe,

You have the kind of cooties that a lot of people have. Not just gay men, either. Tons of people are fixated on unrealistic standards of beauty. You’re not alone in this. There’s no harm in being attracted to muscled young hunks, but if it’s to the exclusion of everyone else, you’re writing yourself a prescription for misery.

I think we are disturbing our capacity for sexual attraction by constantly immersing ourselves in porn that features only guys with the kinds of bodies that we find exhilarating. Whether our trip is hairy bodies, masculine guys, muscle guys, skinny twinks, blondes, Asian men, African American men, Latino men…it’s great to have things we like. It’s not so great to be confined by our narrow checklists.

You say you haven’t had sex in a while because you can’t find a guy you’re attracted to who fits your...

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Kirk Read
January 5, 2009
Category: Dating

Dear Kirk,

While I have enjoyed many wonderful encounters from this and related sites, ones that cater to an older/younger audience, I sometimes feel that I am either misleading or dishonest.  Recently, I met a young man and we began an email conversation.  He always referred to me in his mail as "sexy daddy" and we ultimately met.  Now, I realize he only wanted a "daddy" type for play, nothing more and I can deal with that. Yet, I find I am not comfortable with the daddy label for myself even if it accurately describes who I am, especially in the eyes of the young.

I have many friends in long term relationships who are of the older/younger milieu and who are completely happy together.  When I am around them, I sense how right they are for each other even when separated in age by 30 years or more.  Nevertheless, I so often feel that I am not a real person in their eyes but one they have conjured up that suits their fantasies.   In short, I don't need to be real---just OLD

I understand the attraction, the chemistry aspects of any sexual allure, and my fondness for younger guys never wavers.  I would appreciate your thoughts and any suggestions of how I may alter my profile to be more accurate about my tastes.  I tend to have a way with words---perhaps all the wrong ones!

Dear Uncomfortable Daddy,

Thanks for your astute and honest letter. Intergenerational dynamics are indeed complicated. Roles like daddy/boy, master/...

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Jay
December 31, 2008
Category: Dating

Ready to join DaddyHunt but confused by all the terminology?  Don't be.  Here’s a step-by-step, straight-shooting and to the point guide, that will hopefully uncover some general truths while de-mystifying the DaddyHunt application process. Remember, Daddy knows best, so pay heed.

GENERAL INFORMATION

Country, State/Province, City/Town, Zip/Postal Code:
Let's assume since you were savvy enough to find DaddyHunt and get to the profile application, you'll likely find little challenge here. Next!


How Do You Describe Yourself?:
The choices are "Daddy" and "Hunter".  Here's how they break down:

Hunter = Younger Top, Looking for Daddy and/or Bottom (any or all of these)

Daddy = Hairy Top, Businessman, Older for Younger, Daddy in Training and/or Older for Older (again, any or all of these)

Personally, I’ve found it’s usually easier to just think: "Hunter"=Bottom" and "Daddy"=Top. The exceptions will make themselves known.

Birth Date:
Most people on other sites lie by a couple of years, on average. Just remember, whatever birth date you put will reflect an automatically calculated age for you on your profile. I used to fudge it by 2 years or so. On DH you don’t have to lie about your age; it’s an asset, not a liability! So, I decided to come clean and tell the...

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Kirk Read
December 15, 2008
Category: Dating

Dear Kirk,

I have never paid much attention to how old people are. If people ask me to guess their age, I am completely stumped. It has just never registered much with me. I notice whether a guy is in good shape, whether he’s cute, and most of all how he treats other people, me included. But I’ve noticed since I hit my early 40s that I get hit on by lots of younger guys -- I mean 10 or 15 or even 20 years younger. I am very flattered -- who doesn’t like attention? -- but I have also realized lately that it is hard to communicate sometimes.

I don’t mean sex -- on the times that it comes to that, I feel that I can really connect with the guy I’m with. I mean the other times, socializing together or going out to dinner or walking and having a conversation. I find that a lot of the references I make -- to music or movies or famous writers or other people -- elicit a blank stare -- younger guys just don’t have any idea who I’m talking about.

I hate trying to explain things. Usually I just end up feeling stupid about wasting five minutes on some boring story about somebody I think is “famous”. What should I do?  Signed -- Billy Pilgrim

Dear Billy,

I never play the game of guessing people’s age, because you’re always going to come up with the wrong answer. If a 50 year-old man asks you to guess his age, he wants you to guess 43 whether that’s warranted or not. If you say 47, he’s mildly disappointed he isn’t pulling off 43. And if you...

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November 21, 2008
Category: Dating

Most American men around my age (over 50) attended schools in which physical education was a required part of the curriculum. This was John F. Kennedy’s innovation to education in the 60s to help young Americans get strong and stay fit physically as well as academically. The idea was that a sound foundation in physical culture acquired at an early age would create a habit of fitness to last our whole lives.

Well, it sounded good at the time.

Many of us participated in extra-curricular sports or leisure activities that involved plenty of physical exercise in those halcyon days. A few hardy souls even might have maintained that high-school weight-training routine and laps around the track into adulthood. But, most American men at some point, and for any number of seemingly good reasons, put aside regular exercise for other compelling activities like working for a living and operating the remote control on the television.

A Long Walk With a Friend is a Good Way to Start Exercising Again

Many of us may recall with a chuckle the first time we heard the saying, “Whenever I get the urge to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.” Actually, this saying is only really funny to younger men just starting to neglect themselves who do not yet experience the genuine feeling of loss that comes with diminished physical fitness and the unpleasant changes in the way we look and feel as we avoid physical exercise over time. Those of us who...

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Kirk Read
November 14, 2008
Category: Dating

I first met Daddyhunt.com founder Chris Turner at a Billy Club gathering. The Billy Club is a group of gay and bisexual men who go on long weekend retreats in Northern California. Chris and I were both in our late 20s in a social group that was predominantly men aged 35-65. We were both in hog heaven, the youngest guys in the room, soaking up the attention of older men that we were both so hungry for.

We didn’t get to know each other really well at the time, because we were both so busy hunting for daddy energy. Seven years later, we reconnected and discussed the possibility of me writing a column for daddyhunt. An advice column. Miss Manners and Emily Post are some of my heroes, so I was game.

But there’s something deeply presumptuous about an advice column. Who the hell are you and who do you think you are to be telling me what to do? That’s a fair question. The American media is so chock full of whack jobs and self-appointed experts that we really ought to be more skeptical about where we find guidance. I don’t claim to be any sort of mental health professional. The only letters after my name are MFA, which arguably could stand for Mother Fuckin’ Attitude. Actually, it’s a master of fine arts, which doesn’t really qualify you to DO anything other than wait tables or work retail while you make art — it certainly doesn’t prepare you to dole out psychological...

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Frank Strona
November 11, 2008
Category: Dating

Having used the internet as a way to meet new friends and sex partners for well over 10 years, every so often I have to step back and wonder… is it worth the amount of time it eats up?

But to answer that – I have to do some serious thinking about my role and my understanding of “needs” and “wants.”

One of the first questions I routinely ask myself when I log-in is “why?” Why am I online and what am I looking for? Is it about the search for love, friendship, understanding? Or more base level and seedy, talking about doing some young stud in the alley?

Don’t get me wrong, all of these are viable things to be using the internet for – the secret is to understand what it is that I want in those moments.  It’s that age-old battle in our search for the magical balance between momentary “lust” and lasting “warm fuzzies.”

Of course, when I’m not getting the hits I want or the kind of responses I expect, I have a few tricks that focus me back to the present.

First, I start off with a reality wake-up call. How honest am I being? Is what I’m writing matching who I am in the moment? Are my pictures and profiles updated? We all get stuck with the one picture we want to use over the more recent, but less flattering ones we have. I re-read my profile. When I read my words, are they reflecting the desires of who I am still? We change daily and so do our wants and needs.

So then I need to look at my “me, me, me place”. We all go...

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