Singles Vs. Couples: Who Gets First Dibs?

March 25, 2013
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It’s bad enough sometimes competing with single friends when landing a man, but what happens when you’re forced to compete with your coupled friends as well ? With gay relationships becoming more and more fluid and open about their, well, openness it’s put an interesting quandary at the center of gay friendships: who gets first dibs? As a single man myself, I’m obliged to take the single man’s position first and foremost, which is to say coupled friends should always yield to their single friends. The truth of the matter is, singles shouldn't have to compete with their boyfriended friends for other single guys even if it ends up just being a hook up. With two single guys, there will always be potential for more and that alone should inspire the coupled friend to back off. Open relationships, seeking a third or seeking to play alone, should really only be looking for something supplement to their, what should already be, stable and healthy relationship. Looking for something more sometimes means looking for trouble.

Then again, if it were two single friends competing for the same man’s attention, it would seem that all’s fair in love and war. As I try to look at things from all angles, my only understanding of how a case could be made for the couple is if the object in pursuit chooses the couple over the single. Which is to say, they’re not into you and are looking for some threesome fun. This whole scenario is based off of friendship, so really if you’re a good friend it would make sense that you’d want to offer the singletons every possibility afforded to them. It’s hard enough out there competing with the rest of the hungry fishes in the sea, let alone our own friends, be they coupled or not.

As for the world at large where not everyone is friends, I would hope some couples would be cognizant of their single brethren and not cock block a possible love connection where they see one. After all, they might end up happily coupled and looking for a third one day too.

We want to hear from couples and singles alike, should couples defer to singles when it comes to picking up guys?

Tags: Open, Third, Relationships, dating, Couples
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Post written by RobHeartsDH (View Author Profile)
About this author: Rob lives in Manhattan with his black pug Riley. When he’s not thinking about daddies, he enjoys writing, eating burritos, watching copious amounts of television, and thinking about his next meal.
View all posts by RobHeartsDH


We're together 36 years and counting, and enjoy the occasional connection together with a nice hot younger guy. But if the guy in question is drawing attention from anyone else single -- let alone a friend -- we'd back right off, for his sake as well as for the friend or stranger's sake.

I had a Lover for 30 years , but he died , now I am Single again , and it's hard trying to start all over again , I live in a Smalltown Fort Erie , plus Don't Drive and most of the Guys in this town are couples , there might be a Few Guys that are Single but not that many , there not that many places to meet anyone there are No Gay Bars , only have the sites like these one to meet people , or Squirt , Not Much in this Town , but it where I am Living , I will not move back to a Big City , been there done that I like Living in a Small Town So I do the Best I can with what is Here , and Hope I meet Someone to have fun with even 1 night stands , is Nice

Hi!!don't loose there is still a right man for you...

"Our enormously productive economy demands that we make consumption our way of life, that we convert the buying and use of goods into rituals, that we seek our spiritual satisfaction and our ego satisfaction in consumption. We need things consumed, burned up, worn out, replaced and discarded at an ever-increasing rate". ~ Victor Lebow

It is preoccupation with possessions, more than anything else, that prevents us from living freely and nobly. —Bertrand Russell a single man, I am looking for another single man. If a couple showed an interest, I would be flattered but would politely decline. Since someday I would like to be partnered.

Single men should be for single men. If you have a partner, let someone else have a chance to be happy. I don't think this "fluid" relationship thing is BS anyway. We're fighting for the right to marry the person we love and others are proving the point the right is always trying to make. That's my personal feeling and you are entitled to yours.

Three is a crowd,Plain and simple.
Open relationships are nothing more than roommates with benefits.
I want a man all to myself.I dont consider them competition.
I compete on a higher level.

That's so selfish.

This reminds me of an old joke:

Why do single men and married men see each other with envy?
Because they think the other one is having more sex.

why even take it so far as to categorize it as a competition? I don't see it that way. Either you want to know someone or you don't whether it be sexually, friendship or anything else. I do what makes me feel better about myself and as long as it hurts no one else in a way that detracts from their existence in life is all ok. I can't force peoples actions only my own so all you guys that are couples and looking for a third good for you and those that are single but want someone in their life as a couple same for you. Someone is only going to stay in either place if they want to. I don't control the rest of the world just my own. My take on the topic.

Let's also remember that sometimes single guys want to play with couples. My partner of 35 years and I have that happen to us here all the time. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. That's why I always thought it would be a good idea here to place in one's profile whether that person would be amenable to playing with a couple. That way couples in search of a third could do so without misgivings on both sides.

The amount of singles that play with couples is very low. Singles want other singles and this is a gay myth that singles would be open to play with couples. This is a self serving idea.

With the huge amount of single gay males who can't find another person (look at the large amount of single gay males online year after year) couples who play with singles by their own admission show that being a gay couple is meaningless. They perpetuate the myth that there is no such thing as fidelity in gay relationships. In turn they make it that much more difficult by their own example for anyone straight or gay to believe that gay relationships have any real face value. There are many gay couples that don't fool around with a third person and they don't get noticed because they are considered "boring".

Do you need a hug?

Richie needs hugs, he is single and apparently bitter and hates it when people in relationships are open or polyamorous.

He seems terribly insecure about finding someone who will love him so he goes on rants every chance he gets against people who don't think just like him. I offered him hugs and he responded by calling me human garbage. I hate to say it but he probably needs happy pills and good hard fuck to chill him out.

Poor guy.

I don't think it's a competition, as if a "single" guy is some prize to be won . . . everyone has their own agency about who they want to be with/play with/get to know.

For those who think that open relationships destroy our chances to be recognized by the rest of society, I think you don't know very much about the rest of society, or you're just not paying attention. Or maybe you just want to mimick the storybook relationships, but most folks realize those are fantasy and not real life.

And for single people to expect that their future dream partner will meet all of their needs in every way for the rest of their lives, all I can say is good luck, and that may be a reason why you're single. Having been with my partner for more than 22 years, I can assure you that we have both grown and changed SO much since we were in our 20s, but we've been willing to grow and accept and change together. To characterize our relationship as just "roommates with benefits" is as demeaning as the right wing religious wackos insisting that we'll destroy marriage if we get our hands on it. You have no idea the depth of love and experience a couple shares. Seeing one tiny aspect of it (the sex part) doesn't give you much insight into the relationship. If you want a relationship just based on sex, then maybe that is the case, but for most of the long-term couples I know, the sex isn't what got them together in the first place, and it won't keep them together in the long run.

I completely agree with everything you've said here and I really hope many men (especially single men) read these words and take them to heart. Because for almost all couples, sexual heat will fade over time, and what will be left (hopefully) are the shared values and experiences that bind two people together in a loving and lasting relationship.

Well said RedheadNC.

Buddy you just said it in spades!! I was with my partner for 18 years and we both realized we are guys after all and guys do like to play so our ground rules were 1) You never play apart. 2) You both have to be into the third party 3) The third party cannot play favorites. 4) If at any time either one of us felt uncomfortable we could call it off immediately no questions asked. I know that doesn't work for a lot of people but it kept us both from straying for over 18 years. And in my eyes it was a marriage, even though we didn't have a ceremony or a piece of paper other than the notary. In our eyes we had the perfect relationship despite what people's opinions were/are on the contrary. But the day that "marriage" ended was the day I became a widower. So, yes, even in gay relationships we should remember that "`til death do you part" is a reality.

Which brings me to my next point. It really is futile to quibble over who has the right to hook up with a single guy. When it is all said and done the one and only person who has the right and authority to make that decision is the single guy you are all talking about in the first place. He alone will decide which way his wind is going to blow that night. And also remember this. One night is not a commitment. One night is not forever. If he is "busy" tonight maybe he would be "gung ho" another night. And like Annie said: "The sun will come out tomorrow."

well said...

I'm single and have played with couples before. With some of them it was very enjoyable and the attention was most flattering; with others, it was like making a cameo appearance in a gay version of Peyton Place, as one could all but smell the smoke in the air upon entering their home, inwhich case I sensed I was merely one more potential thorn in their unhappy garden of couple conflict. As for "fluid" relationships, for every one of those I have seen succeed I have noticed others merely vaporize on their own "fluidity." All the more reason why it is inspiring to read about couples staying together for decades despite the inevitable domestic squabbles and dimming of the sexual sparks. I wouldn't sweat this issue of whether a single or a couple has "dibs" on some attractive number; in most cases the busy bee will be back in the flower field in no time at all; put your net down and wait him out. There are few things less attractive in a man than desperation.

The only thing less attractive than a desperate man is a skinless man. If you're bleeding with desperation or just bleeding because your not sporting any flesh then it will probably be a "thanks anyway" from me.

Years ago in GQ I read a quote (but I don't remember who said it); Your chances of meeting a beautiful woman increase when you are the presence of a friend who is richer, more handsome and more successful than you.

If someone is interested in you it won't matter how your married friends flirt with him. If the object of your desire is more intrigued by the potential enjoyment of spending an evening with a couple rather than you, you can either do as BJHeaven suggests -- wait 'til next time -- or you can write him off.

Back when I was a hunky & 'bangable' child, I was invited to a party by a pleasant & attractive thinking these guys would have hunky & 'bangable' buddies. WRONG! Got there only to find out I WAS the party...I wonder if the 'couple' was too busy consuming large tumblers of straight vodka to notice my hasty exit out the kitchen door & over the fence? I usually do not think of couples as sex-playmates anyway (in singles or pairs) but I was more turned off because of their 'party' treachery...and I sure the hell did not need any more free booze or their oily sex!

I am in a relationship and I'd entertain a little extra something once in a while with my lover, and he's mentioned it as well in the past. Neither of us would go out of our way to find a 3rd, we'd think about it if it happened upon us though. We've talked about this too, we'd certainly never cock block a friend or a stranger at a club, bar, party, etc to get that 3rd guy. It's just not cricket.

And we've got so far as to work a potential lover to a single friend, because honestly if you're coupled it's usually more fun to be with coupled friends than with single ones.


I absolutely agree with this blog. Coupled men appear to be nothing more than greedy hogs, and with no respect for the man they are using for amusement. On the other hand, once one's sexuality is developed by a long-term relationship, I can perhaps see the temptation to try that on with others. But how many men have been saving themselves for marriage, besides me? Like women say, "all men are pigs."

It's a competition? It's not about bringing pleasure or sharing delight?

That said, if somebody is blessed to be in a more fortunate situation than another, it's probably better (and certainly more gracious) to be generous, whether it be a generosity of mind, of body, of opportunity and moment, or of the eternal spirit.

"Each day comes bearing its own gifts. Untie the ribbons."
-Ruth Ann Schabacker

I agree.
Monogamous couples are the selfish ones.
Sharing is caring.

If you're competing with partnered guys then the person you're competing for is probably looking for some NSA fun. If he was looking for a relationship you wouldn't have to be competing with someone who isn't available for that. Sorry, but that's not what that guy's looking for. If you want something more than a hook-up you should probably look elsewhere. there are exceptions of course but in general that's just how it is.

My French teacher used to say " All is fair in love and war". Singles hating on couples for being open are childish and petulant.

Everyone is looking for something that makes them feel good, loved, attractive and sexy. That means different things for different people at different times in their lives. Since we are all adults who cares what others do for fun or comfort to relationships? With so much suffering and sadness in this world we should mind our own business and be happy when others can find happiness.

Loving takes nothing from anyone, it is like air it surrounds us and never runs out. Their is never a shortage of love if we just open ourselves and allow it.