If Gay Marriage Passes Will You Rush To Marry?

March 27, 2013
gay marriage equality symbol red

As the Supreme Court review marriage equality cases for Prop 8 and DOMA this week, the world as we know it could change in an instant. The right to marry came to the state of New York a little over a year and a half ago and in that time I've been to 2 gay weddings with 4 more on the way between now and September. With the exception of one, all of these couples have been together for more than 5 years, so it makes sense that they'd be eager to make it official as soon as allowed. With the possibility of federal rights and marriage for all, we could see an even bigger onslaught of weddings in the next few years. Which means, you better start saving up. Not for your wedding. For the gifts. Most of us experienced the wedding rush in and our 20s and 30s as all our friends got married, but now there's a new wave of weddings coming. If only there was a way to rollout the weddings so we wouldn't be bombarded with them all at once. But considering how long it's taken to get here, these loving couples shouldn't have to wait any longer. So bring it on I say. Just don't expect anything fancy in the gift department.

Couples in states that can't marry, if marriage equality passes, will you get married right away or wait a few years?

Tags: marriage equality, SCOTUS
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Post written by RobHeartsDH (View Author Profile)
About this author: Rob lives in Manhattan with his black pug Riley. When he’s not thinking about daddies, he enjoys writing, eating burritos, watching copious amounts of television, and thinking about his next meal.
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Comments

"the WORLD as WE know it could change in an instant"
as we all live in US, and that's all about the world. LOL.

No. But I will be glad for those who seek that avenue.

I don't know that I'd rush out to get married when it passes, but I'd probably look at a few different stores in which to register. :)
I cannot imagine the U.S. Supreme Court NOT finding in favor of Gay Marriages right now in 2013. After all of the battles, all the blood, sweat and tears we've put into this, YES, it's way passed time in which for this to happen.
For me, it's not so much about earning it, but deserving it as an EQUAL human right.

There was a lot of blood, sweat, and tears shed by those who fought to establish and preserve a constitutional republic. Obama and the activist justices on the Supreme Court are undoing that republic.

"Obama and the activist justices on the Supreme Court are undoing that republic."

So you're against gay marriage? I hope you realize that, even if you back them up 100%, the fundamentalist Christians will still hate you all the same just for being gay. Just look at how Fred Phelps treated that 'ex-gay' to whom he was introduced on a radio show. Spoiler alert: it wasn't with open arms!

You know, there are lots of other branches of Christianity that are totally fine with LBGT people. They'd probably be a lot more welcoming of you.

I don't think your comment relates to much of anything he said about activist judges.

Yes. I'm against square circles. I also opposed DADT repeal, Roe vs. Wade, Obama, and the whole Statist agenda. I'm against dictators in black robes destroying self-government and inventing new "rights." But why worry? Almost everyone is in agreement that marriage will be undefined.

Question: Do you worry about living in a country which is collapsing? How long can a civil society survive unrelenting Statist attacks on Judeo-Christianity, capitalism, the private sector, state sovereignty, individual liberty, and limited government?

Speaking of square circles, "Christian hate" is a square circle. Hate and anger are the mainstays of pagan Statists. My ex- and I attended a large Methodist church and were welcomed every Sunday. No one has called me "crazy" and "stupid" as often as Obama supporters who happen to be gay. The new pope has kissed and washed the feet of AIDS patients. If you think that was an empty gesture, you don't know him.

Well its not just a cut and dry case. The SCOTUS has always been slow to social change and even the most "liberal" Justices are hesitant to rule in cases that are broad sweeping or forcing states to a single ruling.. They interpret the law not pass it. My guess is that the Prop 8 case will be dismissed and DOMA will be found unconstitutional. Which means states will be free to decide for themselves as they currently are now and not much will change for anyone except maybe how already legally married couples file their federal taxes. But who knows how they think, I'm going by the comments made in the oral arguments the other day.

To who? The great majority of gay men are single and this issue is not even on their radar or a near possibility for any of them. If you need to that's great and good luck!

Yes, if and when it makes sense. Should anyone "rush out" and get married? Probably not. Would I be glad, like any citizen to bestow certain special rights, privileges, and legal ties to whomever in my life I deemed that appropriate, forgetting the baggage that comes with the word "marriage." Yes, I know @njrichie2 that this doesn't fit the single gay male culture we encounter any day. But I'd like to offer a few thoughts on marriage equality...and some concise mumblings on why I suddenly care and maybe you (including single gay men) should too...

Because I finally had something to say, despite some of my alternative thinking, now that we're at the edge of history in the making...

Maybe, just maybe, now that it's here, now that it seems inevitable, that I might might let myself finally believe what I refused to believe my whole life. That I and any man lucky enough to be stuck with me for life (I apologize in advance) could share our love financially, legally, and with all sorts of love-honoring rights and practicalities. Just not an option.

I think I finally believe that someday I won't be disappointed, silenced, or otherwise told no by the many many cues each day that do, even in the most supportive circumstances, I am not equal, I am not apart of the institution. I can finally stop defensively dismissing marriage as a practicality and finally admit that this is BIG. Being apart of the institution means forms change, language changes, questions change, and the trickle becomes a flood.

In the downtime I have formed, we have all formed, our own nations, made up of family, friends, and interactions with members of the gay community, to feel part of something, part of something that honors that love and intimacy are as much part of our social fabric as death and taxes. To feel welcome as part of a group, a society.

Now, I wait, wondering (and maybe finally believing) that my nation will one day soon welcome me and my ability to love. I'll be able to join as more than a citizen but as a complete American. Somewhere I remember being promised something very important...

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness...."

Yes, yes, I want and need the validation of my country to let me LIVE LIBERATED AND HAPPY. INSTITUTIONALIZE ME. Because when (not if, not if, not if...I'll get there) DOMA falls or denial of marriage rights is held unconstitutional, I'll be much more emotional, because I think finally, like for a moment this morning, I'll be relieved of the burden of defending my love. I'll instead have a chance to celebrate it, legally, by checking boxes that will change my life for good.
Boxes that will change everyone for good. Boxes that say any love is an asset to this country, not just yours.

Yes, marriage as a right, concept, or structure has its naysayers. It though, as an institution, is not going away soon. Equal access and equal rights allows me to navigate who(m) and how I love not constantly reacting to lack of access to traditional institutions but love as something I can explore fully, at least as my straight compatriots do. My signature on a marriage license connects the gay community with legal bonds of love and life. That, is a grand concept.

America, when you recognize my ability to love, you recognize me, you make me human.

Rush out and get married? Maybe. If it's a fit for me and who(m) I love. I know the government isn't a nimble organization for better or for worse, so I'm fine having access to the same version of the "love system" because I can make the *choice* to plug in, plug out, or rush out. I would know that my country honors and acknowledges that love can happen between any human. For now, that's enough for me and plenty enough to care about this issue.

Join the love club,
Justin

I am fortunate to live in a place --northern California-- where this issue is largely moot.

Our children don't even understand the debate: They don't understand why there would be any legal discrimination based on sexual orientation. And, as it has been and as it should be, they will set the agenda. This battle is over, all except the shouting.

Rush out and get married?

Well. Then you get personal. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

While I support the concept, I honestly don't think the community understands the total legal packages that comes with it. The community has a history of longterm and short term partners. This is no different from the straight community in lots of cases. However with unverisal marriage come the good and the bad. You have the tax advantage and the other legal aspects of the marriage. But what you don't realize is where you could packup and move out and start looking for the next one, now a divorce lawyer, courts and all the legal issues that go with a divorce hits you in the ass. Then comes the alimony if one makes more or has more than the other. Now don't forget children. Someone will get nailed for child support. Now comes the worst part: Under the current law if your military or Fed employee and you were married for 10 years or more, the divorced spouse automaticly gets 50% of your retirement. Even states have the same rule. As an example, in New Mexico if you work for a city or state agency when you get divorced each spouse get a portion of your retirement pay. That whether it is one or six. Some employee retirement programs have the same policies. Now the worst part, community property states. If the assests are a gain after one is married the assests are split 50%. I do not discourage anyone from getting married, but you better be sure that person is the one!!! After two divorces from a women, and several long term relationship I know well the pain and agrevation of a divorce and paying through the nose in the end!!!!!

Great point. Marriage is an option. But like all options, just because we have the right to do so, doesn't mean we should.

Well said. A gay guy in Massachusetts told me his life turned ugly when his marriage fell apart, and it continued to be ugly because it took quite a while for his divorce to be finalized.

Well said.

What we deserve in life is one thing; what we get is another. As has been noted; when marriage looms, can divorce be far behind. The legal responsibilities are very important, varying from state to state. In gay life, partners can and do frequently leave their partners, with not a great deal of thought about consequences. Those who adopt children will gain some understanding of what that means in a married situation. The legal & financial benefits are considerable, therein lies the equality. But the emotional ones may not appear so apparent. The comments above have give some fine thoughts on this matter. I think the comment "be careful what you wish for, it may happen!" sums up the situation well. Having been married, to a woman for 30 years, I know whereof I write.

No I wouldn't rush out to do it but my former partner(decease now) we have talked about and planned to do the marriage thing, we actually bought our rings which I still have for the next partner when or if he comes along and would like to have a paper saying how much we both love one another, this would be a great step for all gays for a better future and I personally know couples who have been in relationships 23yrs or more and hope they look forward to getting married finally.

I for one can't wait for a good old fashioned gay divorce complete with court room and tabloid drama and custody battles. OK so there will have to be at least one gay celebrity involved but we have those too now.

Marriage as an institution, is just one giant excuse to stop trying to be present in your relationship. People can be married without being legally bound. That said...Marriage equality is about rights equality. Don't have to use my rights to want to or deserve to have them.

Exactly

Will I rush? I have to find someone worth marrying first. Or someone who will have me..... Oh well, either way, no, I won't be rushing.

Yes, I can! Trouble is, I don't have a groom. Now, when it bestows immigration rights, then it will be a different story. We will all be swamped by men from less-developed countries wanting entree, and boy will that be a mess!

At one point, he and I spoke about it as if it would never happen. That we would never marry each other. But now, as we actually talk about what would be going on besides being together more often (the dispassionate side of being a couple) I can only say we wouldn't rush. We all have to adapt to the idea of how completely some of us can now be together. He and I are at the point where we are addressing what else "marriage' would now mean to our relationship.

Too bad though all cheat, most straight couples are Discreet, and not as many condone OPEN RELATIONSHIPS as here!
Hell we make marriage just a convenient legal tool for us! I see guys here saying they have met the man of their Life or one that want to live the rest of their life with! Well all you have is a Room mate someone to share expenses and events.!
I am no prude , I did not get to my condition being virtuous but when in a relationship I was Faithful!
To me marriage is a commitment! Did these guys mothers say that their dad was the love of HER life but have sex with the repairman, deliveryman, mailmen , superintendent, Plumber?
Shame no more moral compass exists among people!!
I'll stay single if I want to play! SAD WE have to qualify our cheating, but really only eases guilty , an amoral conscience.. Does that makes it Ok?

You hit the nail on the head about gay relationships. But this message the gay male community does not want to hear or talk about. Hence we have the never ending search for that next NSA, trick or fuckbud by most older gay men. Do you like hearing from young gay men....."I don't want to end up like you and be alone at your age!" NO! But the system is stacked against us by our own selfishness.

Anyone else irritated by how the article title was phrased? Legislatures pass, courts rule.

Sure. The title reflects confusion about the boundaries between the legislative and the judicial branches, confusion which exists in the Supreme Court itself.

The lesbian with no prior judicial experience appears to see her role as an unelected, unaccountable policy dictator. So do the other activists.

The Court should be asking (a) whether gays are a protected class under the 14th amendment and if they are, (b) whether there's a sufficient compelling state interest to justify a law which affects them unequally.

Gays have not been a protected class. The court would have to first make gays a new protected class. Most people think that the state has a compelling interest in protecting marriage, family, and children. These are, however, probably no big deals for a court which winked at Obamacare.

Scalia got it right asking, when exactly did homosexual marriage suddenly became a constitutional right? There is probably no real constitutional basis on which to answer that question.

To the Left, the end justifies any means. If a goal cannot be reached through the democratic process, then turn to activist judges willing to act as dictators, extending the federal leviathan's overreach.

There may be an immediate gain for some, but in the long run there is more damage to the Constitution and self-government.

Secondly, as others have said, "rush" is not a good way to take on what used to be a serious life commitment.

Is it bad/foolish that I want to get gaymarried at my age? In terms of maturity, I'm sure I possess the mental faculties to understand and deal with marriage, regardless of my age. It also jives with my religious ideals.

Lots of 18-25 year old heterosexuals get married, what's wrong with an 18-25 year old gay male getting married as well?

:P

I might...but for economic reasons. I confess...I have no emotional attachment to the concept of marriage. My partner and I have been together for 20 years and that will not change. However, because of the federal rights which we can not enjoy this is costing us money. So purely on practical grounds we would marry. BTW we were at the supreme court the two days that it was hearing the two marriage cases. That was kinda cool.

I don't understand how your non-marriage is costing you money.

And I also don't understand how your non-marriage is costing you more money than getting married would cost.

The Probable outcome: Prop 8 will be struck down and in California Same Sex marriage will be allowed.

If DOMA is struck down, it changes nothing in the states that have a clause in them disallowing same sex marriage UNLESS their constitutions have the same reason in them that California does - that all citizens of the state shall be afforded equal treatment for all the laws of the state. The reason Prop 8 will be struck down is that it violates the California Constitution in that it creates discrimination for a class of California citizens. That is why the California Supreme Court struck it down. As some of the Supreme judges have said, they are concerned that it was even accepted by them to be reviewed. It should NOT have been in the first place BECAUSE marriage is a state's right, not a Federal one.

The NEXT step will eventually break the discrimination put into other states constitutions: The US Constitution GUARANTEES that all states shall accept the laws and rulings of other states. There will have to be another round of lawsuits dragged thru the courts FOR EACH state that has that discrimination built in their constitutions to have it removed as the ruling affects MARRIAGE - a state's right. The states will be forced to accept marriages of all couples in other states, but they will still have the right to not PERFORM them or ALLOW them to be state sanctioned by their state to the extent that their STATE laws affect marriage. Truly a contradiction of laws, but that will be the situation that we, the sensible people of this country, will have to face next.

If DOMA is struck down (as I belive it will be), then the over 1,100 FEDERAL laws that affect married couples will be extended automatically to married couples of all types. It's all those state laws that will not.

They will never get to the merits of Prop 8. If you read the appellate court notes from California they never wanted Prop 8 to get to the Supreme court as it is unique to that state. I also am not sure where you are getting at with Constitution and States to recognize other States' laws. That is what they are ruling on if this even applies (it gives the federal government authority namely the US Supreme Court - it does not "guarantee" anything). Gay rights activists shot themselves in the foot by pursuing Prop 8.

I wanted to add that the reason the court questioned why it was there was that the state is not defending it and some outside group is. No Justice said because marriage is a states' right. If Prop 8 is dismissed the CA supreme court ruling stands and marriages resume there but that certainly doesn't affect any other state laws.

I am sure that there are going to many lawsuits in states if Prop 8 is dismissed but the Supreme Court isn't likely to look at it again for many more years.

I just wanted to point out that a ruling in CA will definitely not affect any other states laws. What you are implying that since it was founded unconstitutional on the basis of discrimination in California that other states must do the same? That is completely wrong. That is why they are at the Supreme Court now. The only court that has jurisdiction over other states. So if Prop 8 is dismissed (remember deciding vote is Kennedy and he is strong on States rights) its going to be years before it is recognized nationally if at all.

No, because a) ain't got nobody to marry, and b) divorce. Het people are psychotic when they divorce, and I don't much want to buy into that paradigm.

But it should definitely be a choice.

Yes, I would because is the only way my 38 year old Filipino partner of 3 years can get into the US. I am hoping for the best as I want to move back to the US. He would have so many more choices in the US.

After 32 years of holding our relationship together on our own, we really don't need to get married to "be married"!

However, the legal protections that officially sanctioned marriage would provide are more and more important to us as we grow older.

From a purely political point of view, I do favor the term marriage over civil union, and that's a reversal on my part. I've come to understand that separate, but equal isn't equal at sll.

I think nothing problem if that same sex marriage approved by the supreme court of US....This issue is also for couple who wants security to each other...same sex marriage is same with opposite sex marriage....the issue here is HUMAN RIGHTS....even your gay or lesbian you have the right to be happy and give your life to the person you want forever to be with...rush to marry or not, supreme court should have passed that law or bill.....thats only my opinion.....

No I won't rush to marriage. Rushing into anything isn't a good idea. If I commit to someone and they want the paperwork then maybe. My main concern is the right to leave your legal assets to the person who helped you build a material life together. I don't want him out on the street after his investment in me and our life together. Marriage license makes it much easier no doubt because the system is in place. However for same sex couples they could call it a union for all I care as long as what we built together would remain with him and his rights would be intact. Since I come from an age when this idea wasn't even a glimmer of hope my belief in a lasting commitment between two people has little to do with a piece of paper or sharing that day with family and friends. I don't see a need to declare my love to anyone other than the one I am with and if legalizing "marriage" between same sex couples streamlines his ability to deal with my passing in monetary terms its a good thing. Same can be said if we had children but that won't be an issue for me. In my view "straight marriage" does not apply to gay men as we can and do alter the idea of marriage to suit our needs. Putting myself in a acceptable "box" in terms of the label of married does little to increase the quality of my relationship. He just deserves the fruits of our labor over the years with equality of the straight marriage rules regarding devoted deceased partners. Family's fight far too much over material assets at someone's death which I find obscene in so many ways so legalizing his right to my/our belongings without going to the extent of hiring a specialized lawyer and all the red tape marriage seems simple and straightforward a process.

BRAVO to farmer w !!! I too agree that regardless of calling it a marriage, civil union, or whatever, I just believe the person who i have invested my time, love, caring and emotional life to should be able to reap the benefits our my/our hard work if something should happen to me. Many of us "OLD GEEZERS" as you young guys seem to call us dont know how much we had to keep to ourselves from family and co workers and other friends just because of the stigma that went along with being different. It was a struggle and to some extent to some it still is.. HUGE strides have been made in the last 30 years since i came out. And I applaude all of the people who have made them happen. But with many gays wanting the same thing as straights, I also find we lose something very special. The individuality of being gay sometimes was incredible. To go out to a gay bar and see nothing but men dancing and having a good time was our expression of who we are years back. To have our own clubs, our own places to hang out helped us struggling guys find the courage to be who we are because they showed us we werent alone. 30 years later, everyone wants to be like everyone else.. mixed clubs, mixed everything ! and while that is good.. it also waters down the special things that made us different.. gave us our individuality.. Times will continue to change and its a given. I just hope those who really DO want a marriage take time to live as a married couple for a while BEFORE you put an eternal "RING ON IT"..

"In my view 'straight marriage' does not apply to gay men as we can and do alter the idea of marriage to suit our needs."

Think I saw an example of this in a DC profile at a top gay site:

"...a total top if we're going to [f-bomb]. Married (yes, he knows) not looking for anything but fun..."

In addition a "marriage" or in my word commitment to the well being of another is the desire of one partner to have for that "other" person they live in conjunction with an existence that is fulfilling to him and hopefully to both long term. The only conditions or rules set up are the ones the two of you set down in your "marriage" . Be honest and transparent. Agree on what the two of you want or don't want and continue from the point forward. We all make mistakes so forgiveness is high on my list of traits, apologizing when we have fallen and renegotiating the relationship at that point going forward to me would mean two people have the chance at being together for a a lifetime. One has to be brutally honest to do so. Meaning honesty without malice.

A good sense of self is important, your faults, failings good points and positives are crucial in having a long term relationship IMO. Discussion without emotion, no emotional finger pointing and practical application of the changes in the relationship through modeling and demonstrated actions mean I won't ever need a piece of paper to have someone WANT to walk through life with me. That is the key, will that person walk through life with you always by your side? I am single after three years but learned a great deal about the kind of perpetual relationship I want for the next 20/30 and so I am hopeful it exists for me. If not then I haven't really lost anything because I never had what I thought was important to begin with. Do I hope I die with someone holding my hand...........yes. However I'll deal with that when it comes.

The one thing that our culture has not given us is how to sustain a marriage after all the glow of the wedding prep and the day of and the honeymoon. I hope that changes one day but I sense many gay guys will marry simply because they can without considering much more than the vows. It's illusory to enter into such a commitment in this way. I hope our brothers will really mull it over wisely before doing this. It's great to have equal rights as gay people but those rights come with responsibilities. Good luck everyone. And yes! Let's get this passed!

RUSH.....? It is real it is marriage... and we all need to take it that way...not with a drop of salt.. If we are able to wed lawful..and we make a blooper of all this in a few years... All the peaple who were not for this will say ( i told you so )... what ever the relationship you are in honor that in your life... and wed for all the right reasons.. hopefully

I was with a partner here in WV,, we were togeather for some years..... ( no laws ). I was not happy in the relationship for many years... I wanted out... he drank a LOT... Then suddenly he had a hart attack and passed away at 57... His daughter and x wife that hated me .. They.came in and took the estate over , there was nouthing I could do.. I lost money in all that and they cryed all they way to the bank ,with his retirement of 30 years.. But they went to CHURCH every sunday....lol

If i had been wed in this time of my life..... Marriage would give me my freedom becouse of divorce laws.. Then i could have split the estate under divorce law and took my 1/2 and moved on with my life with what was mine. that I payed for.

I know it sounds crazy.... But I would have in that case rushed, becouse i could have divorced and been out of that for good........ hummmmmm....

Ultimately what one has to decide is what the marriage really is about. Is it about possessions and the investment you made materialistically ? Is marriage about the time you invested in this person and it didn't work out? It can be both however I prioritize one over the other. Yes I would initially resent extended family coming in and taking what they did not work for if my marriage partner passed. That is plain unfair. However things can be replaced and I have no children to leave anything to in a Last Will and Testament so as much as it would bother me in the beginning because of the unfairness of it, I would survive.

Losing him would be worse IMO because of the emotional investment I made over the years. That is a true loss and one you can never get back WITH THAT PERSON. You may get back material things. You can even have another relationship however no two relationships are alike just as people are not exactly alike and very much individually wired to be WHO THEY ARE.

In both cases materialistically and emotionally there is no "guarantee" for loss and so I hope to look at a future marriage as something you went into knowing it could go either way and be okay with that. Otherwise don't even bother to get married without the attitude I will deal with the way it turns out good or bad because I am a mature man.

My thoughts alone.

Will

Even though I am G0Y, I still fear the Almighty Creator and what he says in his word that it is an ABOMINATION IN HIS SIGHT, and I don't want to do anything that is against his WILL AND WAYS. I fear him because he is real and I am TERRIFIED OF THOSE WHO DO NOT BELIEVE IN HIM(JESUS=YESHOSUAH HA MASSIACH) and It will be another reason for SODOM AND GAMORRAH to be Destroyed again "UNITED STATES OF AMERICA" We need to be more attentive about how we are living, look at the Floods, Hurricanes, Tornadoes, Earthquakes in Divers places as it reads in the BIBLE, AND WE AREN'T TAKING HEED!!! TIME IS RUNNING OUT FOR US YOU ALL!!! PLEASE PAY ATTENTION, GOD LOVES THE CREATIONS BUT HE HATES THE SIN THAT WE ARE DOING AND REFUSE TO SUBMIT TO HIS WILL. For it is not about US it is about GOD AND HIS WILL, FOR THE LUST OF OUR FLESH IS ENMITY(ENEMY) TO GOD and we MUST DENY OUR FLESH OF WHAT IT WANTS AND DESIRES. SO THAT IS WHAT SAME SEX MARRIAGE TO ME IS ABOUT AND I AM TO DENY MY LOVE FOR MY LOVER AND CHOOSE LIFE ETERNAL IN JESUS.... I hate the word "RELIGION" THAT IS WHAT CRUCIFIED JESUS ON THE CROSS, I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM, ARE YOU? IT IS NOT A RELIGION AND I AM RELIGIOUSLY IN LOVE WITH HIM THERE IS YOUR LOVE RIGHT THERE.... AND I DON'T WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP OF MARRIAGE WITH A FEMALE...SO MY ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION IS "NO...AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE TO I WILL NOT GO OUT OF GOD'S WILL, HOW ABOUT THE REST OF YOU? THINK THINK THINK ABOUT HEAVEN AND "HELL" IS IT WORTH ETERNAL DAMNATION??? It's not about what people may like as Christians etc, they have no Heaven nor Hell to put us in but WHAT ABOUT GOD'S JUDGMENTS OF US?