Are Our Dating Priorities Out of Whack?

February 25, 2013
Category: Dating
Dating Priorities list gay

What's the first quality you look for in a man? Is it physical attraction or a trait that takes a bit more digging? It's so easy to go on looks alone these days with online dating/apps expediting the selection process and courtship a thing of the past. It's almost like we're programmed to make a split section decision on what we see in front of us and if we're not into it we move onto the next. Having more options is a great thing, but as with any give, the take is that we may miss something really special. Getting to know someone takes effort and the things that ultimately make a relationship work aren't always visually apparent. So what's one to do? Rearrange our priorities.

I'll be honest, my first instinct is to start chatting with someone (on here or in real life) if I'm attracted to them. But when I think about what I'm looking for in a relationship, looks fall down the list quite a bit. Now I'm not saying I don't need to be attracted to someone, because that's mega important, but I've realized that attraction can grow and fade based on feelings that stem from incredible personality traits like humor and intelligence. The problem I think many of us face today is that we're not willing to put in the work to get to know someone. It's easier to take the Seinfeldian approach and dismiss people based on circumstantial flaws, not meeting a height requirement, or any other molehill made mountainous. But finding a really stand up guy takes work and time. And it's those qualities buried deep that usually last the longest, because as we all know, looks fade.

So whether you re-prioritize or not, what are the top 3 qualities you look for in a man?

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Post written by RobHeartsDH (View Author Profile)
About this author: Rob lives in Manhattan with his black pug Riley. When he’s not thinking about daddies, he enjoys writing, eating burritos, watching copious amounts of television, and thinking about his next meal.
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Comments

As a senior gay man, who is no longer as hormone driven as I once was, having already had LTR's,
and currently having some fine men in my life, both in and out of bed, I find younger gay men who are bewildered that I am not endlessly seeking a man. No, I do not have a laundry list of the top 3 qualities I look for in a man. I do know what gets my dick hard and I say so in my Profile. From my perspective, it is much more important that I have something to offer others. I do not believe that the world revolves around ME and MY needs. I look for the matches and when I find them, there is no negotiating, dating, or pseudo-hetero courtship. There just some fun between two adult gay men. If the sex is good, we may continue spending time together and a relationship, of whatever type, may develop, evolve and continue for as long as it lasts. This is completely fine with me. I have no need for Disneyland love, unconditional love or death do us part. While these things are nice, they usually only occur in movies. And, when they do occur in real life, the relationship can be incredibly boring. So, for me, life is good. It is not the conventional gay life of either endless pursuit of hot men (by men who are themselves far from hot) nor the caricature of an Ozzi & Harriet hetero TV family. This is my life and it is rooted in reality, unglamorous as that may be.
PocktDad

Very well said PocketDad! I could not have put it better myself.

while it's always true that almost everyone is getting attracted to physical attributes of a man, however, that attraction is going to fade in due time. Over the years, i have learned not to put the looks as my priority, I go for something beyond skin-deep and that includes maturity of a partner, sense of humor and intelligence. I may not have these qualities but these three are what I admire most.

I had the chance of meeting good-looking guys in my younger years but as time goes by, I learned that character is more important than admiring an angelic looks! Aside from that, there is more important than looks and that is the brains and the heart.

I so agree that its also essential to compliment to our partner as relationships are not built to plain taking. Being able to give time and other resources and being sensitive to our partner's feeling may also improve the chance of having a lasting relationship.

And now, beside those qualities in my preference's list, I would like to include age, I am at home to somebody who is older than me.

The majority of gay men out there don't know how to have intimacy with one another man.
Not 'physical' intimacy which actually in a healthy relationship should be the last of the intimacies to explore .
Most gay men in my experience young and old are terrified of rejection so the never open up and get totally honest with a fellow man . One needs be honest with yourself before you can be honest with another .
Truth of the matter is especially with guys 45 yrs and up is we spent most of our lives getting to know other men physically first (Sex).
No ones fault it's a culture .
Some of us ended up having ltr's out of those casual meetings by luck of the draw ,our hot bed mates turned out to be compatible partner.
Ok so now where older slept with endless amounts of men ,had some ltr 's. But it's no longer working for us emotiona,l the casual sex meeting stuff ,the bars the gay functions etc .
Now I just want to meet a man and settle down .
Truth is most of us have not idea what healthy traditional dating is all about .
How many of you actually have friends out there you can tell every last dirty intimate detail and secret of your life to ,that's intimacy men .
We all have a story and we all need to tell it to trust others ,this is how we gage that we are doing 'ok in life'.
So many end up in therapy just to tell your story since there is lack of trust in other men.
Sad to say I find more 'emotional' intimacy with str8 men( NO SEX ) than my counterpart gay male .
Why there is not fear of rejection on either side ,he str8 and I'm gay,no compettion metaphorically speaking.
Just 2 men sharing there dream ,hopes and fears together .
The lines can get blurry but I've learned to keep them str8 ,my friendships are more important then a hot roll in the hay .
I'm over trying to make gay male friends every single time we become close emotionally as friends they have to try to turn it into sex eventually .
Why because many gay men don't know the difference between emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. Many str8 men have actually learned it from women

In a word? YES!

Rob, I completely believe you have definitely 'hit the nail on the head' so directly about Dating, that a machine couldn't hit it any more dead-on than this article has. I find your article very wisely written to all those out there who are seeking, but not ever seeming to find the right fit. I am 58 years old, and have had two relationships totaling approximatley 30 years combined. My second one very quickly appeared after moving on from the first, in an amicable way, after five years. The first appeared from the old-fashioned 'live in-person' method and was completed as maturely and amicably as it had started. We still know each other 24 years later, even being on two different coasts at this point. The second appeared and lasted the next, approx. 25 years. I believe it was, once again, because it started the old-fashioned way. It did not happen to be based on looks, but only the spark of a conversation, as did the first relationship. Life unfortunately can throw a monkey-wrench into the pile and sometimes what was not even thought about at the start of a relationship can wind up being the cause for continuing or not. There are not 'only' physical issues that can come up later in life, but also family-inherited issues that can lay dorment and pop their ugly head when it decides to. But, being in a real-live commited relationship, and to having seen it through to what would be a later-on, very long 7- year rollercoaster, for both partners, sometimes best things for both, have to be taken into account...my point here is 'go for the spark' but make it be from the original conversation when you meet, and it might just surprise you. It very possibly could be that which will lead you to a wonderful long-lasting, even lifetime relationship...one that you hadn't even thought possible....matters not what that long-time may prove to be. The chemistry comes out full-BLAST under these conditions... more powerful and longer lasting than the method that seems to be the NORM today....I know, cause it happened to me....wonderfully exciting and yet an inner peace within the blending of ourselves to the other; sexual chemistry with sparks that can even last through the entirety, with a great home and even a child from birth, all can come about.... all was the perfect idea of what we entered into, all just by having met the old-fashion way. The way was 'just being us' and thus wound up sharing a complete life, in a 'family style' unit, as it turned out for us, even right up to the point of having to do what was just the 'right' thing at a certain time, under certain circumstances.
I have expressed very similar thoughts to many people through time now, that had directly reflected the writing in this article, and am pleased that an article of this nature is now in 'black and white'.
I have thought this and felt it will always be the right way to make a real connection when a real connection is desired and want to make happen. Prejudging and just moving on without getting to know anything but a 'photo' along with perhaps a well-written 'profile', does not even a contender make...but the old-fashioned way actually was the method that was used which brought all of us reading this article, into existence....think about it! Guess it must have worked ...so maybe it still does...no matter the relationship type.

It really is pretty basic isn't it...mutual attraction or chemistry is the bottom line. Obviously we're either attracted physically or not. The rest of the list as shown above has been in no particular order for me...it's either happening or not. Ideally, I suppose we could all conjure up that magical formula that dictates the ultimate success story, but for my two LTR's that totaled 16 years, it was love at first sight, that catapulted us into the loving relationships that we enjoyed for as long as the love was there. In summary, my numbered list wasn't there, it was all those and then some rolled up into one big cosmic orgasmic love ball of fun that brought me much joy. Cheers men!

Thank you. I agree wholeheartedly. Eloquently put.
PocktDad

I couln't agree more, seems to me (at least thats how, I, work) that there is an attraction, first, then it stays that way if you're attracted to something else about him (eg. the way he cooks, how he treats other people, his sense of hummor, etc.)

99.9% of gay men have issues with brotherhood and connecting with their gay peers.

-Bears/leather daddies have no sexual attraction to "twinks."
-Twinks have no attraction to hairy older guys (except when they have daddy issues.)
-Muscular/Jock types only play with other Muscular/Jock types and usually end up dying from HIV-related complications by age 40.
-African-American/Black homosexuals almost always seem to be in the closet and on the "down low."
-Asians are all bottoms.

In all seriousness though, the primary focus of the gay community should be to establish brotherhood. Did you homosexuals know that in many countries around the world, homosexuals are still KILLED, just for being homosexual?!

One of these countries is called the United States.

Instead of being bitchy and judgmental queens, open up your disgusting, decrepit and shallow hearts/minds once in a while and put down the meth pipe.

Another gay man was killed in my neighborhood this month. Did you know there was another "Gay Community" in NYC other than Chelsea? ...Jackson Heights.

You raise some good issues, but brotherhood is not on the radar screen for most gay men. I have always felt that gay males treat each other much much worse than straight people do at times. We are very demanding yet, we don't allow others the same respect we demand for ourselves. We learn this at an early age when we first meet another gay male who treats us cruel and disrespects us for no apparent reason that we can see. We take this in and becomes a part of us and we pass it on to others who we meet in life. We think it's part of being gay, being bitchy and judgmental toward others. It's a poison, that comes from poor self-esteem and we use it as a weapon and poison others.

@intotrouble, you claim "99.9% of gay men have issues with brotherhood and connecting with their gay peers". Interesting statistics, can you verify this???

You claim to be intouch with your fellow gay brothers but it is clear that you do not understand there are cultures and subcultures within this world (gay or straight or in my case BISEXUAL). As a black (I'm neither african nor born american) bisexual male, I understand that many like me do not wear their "gayness" on their sleeve for many reasons INCLUDING safety. Being discreet does not mean in the closet .....

Your judgemental attitude is typical of the very bitchy and "queenlike" behaviour that you say disgusts you. You are presumptious in assuming men who don't agree with YOUR point of view must be smoking meth. If you want to see a shallow heart and mind look in the mirror.

Since you are so open and happy and "intouch", you should live in a country (like Jamaica) for a year, then tell us how well you survived being open and gay and intouch .....

Hear, hear Willieone, great post. Sombody needed to knock this guy off his pedestal. People who aren't old enough to have learned much shouldn't write posts on things they know very little, haven't experienced yet. Thumbs up Willieone.

Although “physical attraction” MUST be present before a relationship can proceed between two men (two people for that matter), all too often I’ve found that it really only succeeds in screening out a huge number of potential partners that never even get a cursory look because they don’t pass the screen. We all do this, myself included, but think of how limiting this is! Because as human beings, we are so much more richly detailed and nuanced than our external appearance can ever possibly convey. Hiding within that man that you didn’t immediately find attractive might be the most wonderful guy you could ever meet in this life.

Personally, I try to fight against this impulse (to screen) by intentionally looking at men that don’t really get my juices flowing when I come across them. I’ll read their profile and try to get some sense of who they really are inside. I’ll try to engage them in chat, ask questions, anything to get a glimpse of what lies beneath the surface. Not surprisingly, I’ve found that some of these men look ENTIRELY different to me after I get to know them even a little bit!

So although today’s technology has given us all these great tools to help us find potential partners, ultimately it has also helped to displace substantive, man-to-man contact with shallow electronic contact and that’s a real loss to all of us. The best way to find a guy that you might want to live with for the rest of your life is still the old-fashioned way, you’ve got to work hard to find him and then work even harder to get to know him!

@nitelight....and even harder still to keep him!

Indeed, @nitelight. The part that so many lovers forget...Never take your partner for granted!

Amen to that !!

@intotrouble....your post was troubling.

I can see how a simpleton would find it troubling.

name calling only confirms that you're in big trouble.

Mine standards are soo high. Breathing, Employed, Non-smoking, In decent shape, Around my age, Local and Must love dogs. Haven't found someone who meets those requirments yet.

I think the breathing part is what might be the deal breaker. All you need is a non breathing alien who doesn't smoke, is your age (plus or minus a few thousand) and loves dogs but won't eat dogs. There you go, I have it all laid out for you.

I was in a relationship where I got everything I wanted and then some (not physically though he was attractive and sexually compatible, not financially on the same footing but he was gracious.) The big thing is he appreciated the best qualities of me and I of him. Finding ANOTHER relationship has been difficult because I wanted the SAME things he had in a different man. Finally have moved on and been open to other men with other things to offer.

That IS tough. I had a similar issue with my ex, which made me realize how much I was dwelling on the negative, and not appreciating the positive things I liked about him so much.
As we keep striving for that perfect, complete package, trying to fulfill all our requirements, we're missing out on the happiness we DID have ...and find that ...whoa...life really IS too short.. Guess we have to do what we must to make ourselves happy overall, in the long run. Compromise and sacrifice~

1.Employed
2.Drug and Disease free
3.Non Smoker.
4.Social drinker.
5.Emotionally available.
6.Grounded.
7.Spiritual.
8.Monogamous.
9.Charitable
10.Funny
11.Super nice

And yes I know this is too much but this me and I seek the same. :)

Do you, yourself, meet your own checklist (or are you just flattering yourself)?
What do YOU have to offer? Are you worthy of such a person who would meet your checklist? And how would being with you make HIS life better?
PocktDad

Bingo! So many men are focused on what they want and what they don't want but never give any thought to what they have to offer. Thanks for that post.

If you read carefully, you'll see that that IS the checklist for the man himself - what he's offering - and he's looking for someone similar...

Good luck little brother. Hope ya like bein' single.

Good topic.

Speaking of priorities, how many gay men are looking to date?

One good thing about this site, is the high proportion of guys looking to date.

On Manhunt, A4A, and Craigslist, many seem busy looking for hook ups. A "date" to them is what happens in most gay porn flicks.

Yes, I have a list of five qualities which describe me and which I seek in a potential partner.

I had to answer this... I just couldn't pass it up....

I have yet to meet someone that can possibly have all these traits stacked up in a nice neat little pile ready for me to wrap my arms around them / him. There's some of the real stuff that really matters. If there really are guys that have this kind of list (and I'm not saying there aren't) they'd better expect to be single a long time.

I have a list too, and many would say that I'm as far out in left field as guys with that list are in the right.

I'd like to meet someone who can hold his own in a conversation, doesn't have to be a mensa member, but come on... if you're dating at all what are you doing it for? You want companionship, at the heart of any relationship is this undeniable fact. Alot of people want honesty... and while that is important by itself, I guess I'm going to have to have an upgrade here... I want an honorable man, not perfect, just honorable. This encompasses honesty and so much more, many of the things that are truly important. My guy needs to care about something other than himself, I don't care if it's whales, starving children or the Salvation Army, think about it if he can be passionate about something then has the ability to be passionate about me. Between this and honor you're beginning to catch sight of someone who just might be husband material. After that stuff comes being positive and having reasonable expectations of his life and being able to move toward a goal, joyful responsibility for lack of a better term. Along somewhere is a sense of humor and swift wit that keeps the doldrums at bay. Scattered in here somewhere is a physical attractiveness that makes learning about all this other stuff interesting. Your brains and talent are one thing, caring about orphaned panda's are great too, but there has to be something that trips my trigger to at least some degree to keep me interested, but it's not just about looks. Attractiveness is built of several things but among them are confidence, his own awareness that he has value and that he knows that he brings something to the table contributes to attraction and don't forget it. If he's over 21 and still living with Mom or isn't OUT are warning signs but not deal breakers. There's a few other game changers too, if his ex should ever come up in conversation, he should refer to him respectfully and not tell me how much of son-of-a-bitch he is. Age.. gee this is a minor game changer for some of us, I'm in my fifties and am generally attracted to guys half my age, I want someone next to me that I can treat as an equal. There's a few other important things that are late in the process and aren't critical right off the bat but nonetheless are very important, "the friend test" for one, did you pass? Did he? Are we headed in dramatically different directions? Does he have dreams that I can take part in? Is he willing to take part in mine? Does he allow me to be an individual? Is he? Somewhere I'm sure we'll find out if we're "sexually compatible" but come on guys, sex isn't about length and girth or what you "get" It's about what you give... for that matter the same thing applies to relationships... You'll get out what you put in as opposed to you put out and get off. While large fleshy parts are fun to play with, that's not what a real relationship is made of... The materials of a relationship are "RAW" you both have to work together and hard to grow it in to something, is he willing to work hard... better question... Are You?

RIGHT ON! .... and thanks.. you definetly made me reflect upon my OWN offerings!

Many years ago in my mid-20s I tried for a while to be interested in people that I wasn't "very" attracted to in order to try to meet people closer to my age who I might have more in common with than men 30 years older than me.
It was a waste of time.
You are wasting their time and yours.
You get to bed and you aren't really turned on.

So, all you can do is be attracted those you are attracted to by their looks.
If there is a personality compatibility - that's a bonus.

Hot, Rich, Hung?

Hot means different to everyone.
Rich? I don't care.
Hung? Some average or less than average length cocks turn me on much more than many longer cocks. It's about the look and feel of the cock, not the length.

I appreciate the blog post and the comments of so many guys who have a lot to offer on the subject. I'm an older gay man (71) who has had a couple of fulfilling long-term relationships but have been alone for the last 10 years. I am totally frustrated that as I have gotten older, my taste in men has turned more and more to the younger and hard bodied type (see my blog name) who are almost unanimously uninterested in older guys. I have tried getting into relationship with guys who did not turn me on physically but had a lot more to offer and it just didn't work. I ended up hurting a couple of very nice men. I have sought counseling for how to reprogram myself from these porn-perfect bodies to more realistic ones and it has not worked. I am embarrassed to be so obsessed with youth and physical appearance, especially knowing that I can't pass that test for many and I have reconciled myself to being alone from here on.

If I'm not attracted and he doesn't want to fuck me, it's just friends. I have great friends and an empty bed.

Like lots of other people, I enjoy looking at the photos of good looking men at hook up sites. I do feel however that many gay men seem to be trapped forever with the mindset of a 14 year old cheerleader - "I want to go steady with the captain of the football team". This is not peculiar to gay men - know that many octogenarians have 20 somethings as wives. I don't condemn that - it's a person's choice. Any man of any age can appreciate physical beauty but to believe that a relationship depends on this fact or upon sex can lead to disappointment. Lots of times years ago, I was enthralled with a man because he met certain requirements that I thought important. Through the years, those 'requirements' have changed a lot. I appreciated it when someone responded that their #1 requirement for a partner might be that he was breathing. In addition to that, I might add that they be considerate, that they be truthful, that I am able to work on a project with them, that we can travel together peacefully plus a lot of other mundane facts that, after two weeks of having sex in every way, position and place possible, seem to come to the fore...and sometimes, after the sex is gone, so is the relationship. Now in my life, whether a man can cleanup in the kitchen after himself is more important than his dick size. I am 69 years old and have been in two relationships - one for 8 years and the present one for 20 years.

My 3 Top Qualities:

1) Sense of Humor - If I can get a guy to laugh, smile, smirk, or giggle within the first 5 minutes, he's mine, and likewise, I'm his. Do NOT underestimate the power of laughter, guys.

2) Conversation - If the guy in which I'm interested is responsive to my emails here, and likewise regular emails (Yahoo, Gmail, Hotmail, etc.) that's a very good thing. As you know communication is paramount in any relationship, and it CAN make or break the deal.

3) Honesty - I don't know how many guys I've talked to online in general (other sites besides Daddy Hunt), and a guy will make himself 10 + years younger than he obviously is. If you're 45, and your picture looks 55, just go with 45. Likewise, if your online profile says 37 and that was from three years ago, update it manually; don't assume the system with do that for you. "Oh, yeah, that. I just forgot." If you're going to forget something as simple as your age, what other important dates are you going to "forget"?

Now, lastly, we've all heard guys say, "Oh, I'm picky." Or,"You're/Your/UR not my type." That said, you could be tossing Mr. Right out with the bath water, literally when in reality he's the perfect catch. Understandably we all have standards to which we want to adhere. That said, give that one guy a chance that maybe you were denied at a certain point in time. Pay it forward. Be the gentleman you're looking for.

Oh, and one last thing. If you get an email, respond back to it in a timely manner, within 24 hours. Waiting 4 days when you are constantly on Facebook or Twitter, is no excuse and you get what you deserve if that same Mr. Right gets away from you.

Peace out.

The biggest problem that has killed "dating" is the social isolation that the new technology brings. With the advent of social media apps, young gay men learn no real social skills because they no longer have to interact in person. If the first time you interact with another gay person is in your parents house in your bedroom using your iPhone you are not going to learn social skills needed in meeting a real live person. Hence the lack of any real commitment as seen online now with the growing use of apps. It's difficult to compete for someones attention when they have multiple apps going and not paying attention to any one of them or take any of them seriously or answer in a timely fashion if at all.

Imagine you behaved this way in person to someone outside? There would be consequences.

Gay men have been hooking up forever and this will not change. But the growing lack of dating is directly related to the availability of social media and the growing real personal disconnect that it brings and the lack of real interaction and socialization. With everyone using their "device" to interact, no one is really communicating anymore.

All of the dating comments resonate with me but this one most of all. The lack of social skills I see around me and this desire to text rather than talk is difficult to accept. How fortunate many of us are to have come of age when we did, during a time when there was time for romance and exploration as well as the occasionally quick and fast when necessary.

The problem is that some people feel isolated if they do not follow the current norm, even though it may not be the best way of navigating through life. It takes courage to step out of the box and treat yourself well and settle for nothing less than what a person is prepared to give in return. When someone flakes out on me, particularly someone over 40, I don't respond to future requests for company particularly in the absence of a telephone call to cancel or reschedule a date. I can get the biggest hard-on over a person with intelligence, integrity and a high level of personal responsibility.

Why should people actually meet in person when they can have a fantasy life where they're all cool and perfect and above the fray. While the advent of computers has proven itself, social media seems to have bound people into a fantasy that is not sustainable. I know we need social media, but c'mon people, if you're on here, make the effort to actually meet a guy if you are interested in each other.

Gawd! So many prerequisites guys have. One guy liked me, but I had a small pimple on my ass. He said that made him limp. Did you ever?,,,,

My ADHD is worse. Had I been that guy I would have killed the mood by attempting to pop that pimple.

Priorities I seem to look for almost subconsciously:

1 - Age (I'm not usually attracted to much above 35 for first meet chemistry)
2 - Single, coupled (I'm LTR minded so prefer someone unattached)
3 - Top, vers or bottom (since I'm impotent, he has to be top and ideally with staying power)
4 - Size (since I'm very chubby, a long one is handy, but shape and feel are most important)
5 - Smooth, hairy (I do prefer smooth chest and face but it does depend on other features)
6 - Build (slim/skinny or defined does it for me but smooth little chubbies can rock my boat too)
7 - Hygiene (if he stinks I won't find him desirable at any level)
8 - Smoke, drink (don't care - live and let live - I do both but will quit smokes again soon)

It seems, no matter what you say in a profile about what you want in a man, it's bound to 'insult' someone. I have a friend on Adam4Adam who will only go after black men who are 'really hung'. What exactly is the definition of 'really hung?' Does the other person have to be over seven inches long? Does it have to hang all the way down to the knees?

I am 61, and still confused as well after all these years. There's too much 'lookism' in the world. Especially in NYC. Every man has a preference. If he isn't into this person or that, is he a bigot or a racist? To the best of my recollection, I've only been told once to my face by a white gay man that he doesn't 'do' black men. Was I 'insult'? No, I wasn't. That was his preference. His tone wasn't hostile or bitter. He just stated a fact.

My taste in men has changed over the last 30 plus years. I used to chase the 'Steve Martin' type, premature, grey-haired. Now, it's whoever is breathing, has a pulse. Then I moved to black men. After awhile I got tired of being made to play the 'role' of the woman, or serving them as they laid in bed like a dead, beached whale. (I didn't know about the 'downlow' back then.) So I switched back to white men.

When I hit my forties, I decided to look for any man who looked 'interesting', or be able to hold a conversation, without bringing up sex in the first ten minutes. They are out there. I just had to dig deeper. Now that I'm in my sixties, and don't act it, are my chances slimmer than usual? I have no idea. I'm just going to go one day, or encounter, at a time.

I'm a heavy guy, a Bear. But even in the Bear community there's a 'lookism' attitude. I've gone to Bear bars, trying to strike up a conversation, and striking out. Why? My color. It's one thing to have a skinny black twink look down their nose at me. It's another when it's someone my size.

I'm not perfect. Never said I was. But I do have my preferences. I want to meet men over 40, or younger, if he's not looking for a sugar daddy, doesn't matter what color, who can hold a conversation. He can be slightly shorter than me, or taller, a non or occasional smoker, a social drinker, who's D&D free. He should be 'verse'. not a total top or bottom. (How many ads have I read, where the person insisted he's a 'total this or that?') He should be single. When it comes to body size, he must be smaller than me. (I don't intend to be heavy forever.) Does he have to be in shape, like some gym bunny? No. He could be a chaser. Do I want hairy or smooth? Doesn't matter.

Nine out of ten times, whether I'm in a bar, or on the street and happen to catch someone's eye, there the chance this guy is visiting from somewhere else in the country or overseas. Most of the men who contact me on the sites I'm on, are from other countries. Half of those guys, who tells me they're coming for a visit, never contact me when they arrive.

What it comes down to is this. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. It doesn't matter if you're from NYC or from either side of the Atlantic or Pacific, you will experience 'lookism'. You can't escape from it, no matter how you try. It will bite you on the ass. Just make sure your ass can take it. No pun intended, guys!

Making lists...and having a very high opinion of yourself...will insure the solitude you deserve.

I don't think making a list of personal preferences, some of which are based on practical necessity in my case, infers a high self-opinion. I have quite low self confidence in any first-meet scenario but strive to put myself across as an open book. My list is just a filter to admit only those that will physically work for me and for whom I might be suitable likewise. Beyond that, moving forward with initial friendship involves more than physical attributes - it becomes then a matter of personality, ability to be honest, modesty, humour, compassion ... Saying that anyone in this difficult life deserves solitude is pretty judgemental and rather indicative of your own high self-opinion I would think. I take it you have no preferences as to whom you would share your life and bed with.

Instead of finding the perfect guy, why not try BEING the perfect guy?

I completely agree. Once again, the majority of guys seem to be completely focused on what they Want. But they seem to be oblivious to the importance of what they have to Offer as a means to Get what they want. "Birds of a feather...", guys. You what your perfect man? Be the perfect man! Otherwise, perhaps a more realistic perspective is in order.

Perfect guy...really? We're all flawed by virtue of the human condition. Being products of our environment bestows upon us the best and the worst that we all carry with us. However if we do look for the best in each other, the possibilities are endless.
Bottom line is as good as the Golden Rule which holds true forever..."Do unto to others that which you would do to thyself". Peace.