The Footballer's Boyfriend

September 18, 2012

By now many of you may have heard the story of the North Dakota State football player who was kicked off the team for kissing his boyfriend. Considering other athletes have remained on the team for far worse (DUIs, etc) the athletic department, which stands by their decision, has come under fire from the LGBT community. Luckily, the athlete at the center of it all, Jamie Kuntz, has the right attitude and wants to keep playing football as an out and proud man. But what's more interesting to this story is that almost all the articles highlight that the 18 year college freshman's boyfriend was 47 years his senior. Kuntz's mother even said she had some concerns about her son dating an older man in many of the articles she was interviewed for, citing that she'd have the same concerns if it were her 18 year old daughter dating a 65 year old.

We've said it before on here that the reason May/December relationships work so well in the gay world is a shared experience of coming out. I'm wondering if it's still a bit of a taboo in the straight world, where an older/younger relationship is generally seen as predatory.

Do you think the gay community is more open to these kinds of relationships? Have you experienced disapproving reactions from the heterosexual community when it comes to your own older/younger pairings?

Tags: Older/younger, Football, Gay Athletes, Discrimination
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Post written by RobHeartsDH (View Author Profile)
About this author: Rob lives in Manhattan with his black pug Riley. When he’s not thinking about daddies, he enjoys writing, eating burritos, watching copious amounts of television, and thinking about his next meal.
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Comments

I agree with his mom being concerned with a 65 man dating an 18 yr old man or woman.
Whenever I see this in our community,I figure someone in the relationship is being exploited.

So do I. A younger guy dating an older guy is one thing. But an 18 year old boy - and, yes, he's a boy - dating a 65 year old man?! That's creepy. I don't care what you say. I can see why the boy would be interested but why in the world would a 65 year old man want to date a child? There's something not right there. It's practically pedophilia. Sorry.

Ok...so when a 13 year old kills someone we try him as an adult...when an 18 year old has sex with an older man he is a child...

you are so wright

He's not a boy, he's a young man. Guys his age are fighting and dying in the military. Guys his age are dating and having sex with girls the same age. The question is not is he a child, he is not, it is whether the relationship is balanced, each supporting adn loving each other, the older man not taking advantage of the younger man's lack of experience. If it is a mentoring loving relationship, it is fine.

I agree whole-heartedly. He is not a boy, he is a man! It is not ours or his mother's to judge. If they make each other happy, then blessings on them.

I have had two relationships in my nearly 80 years. The first was for five years and he was 15 years older than I--I barely had my nose out the closet door and he taught me a lot about life and living happily. I am certain that we would still be together had he not died of a massive heart attack 40 years ago in July.

My second committed relationship began in April of 1999 while I was living and working in Hong Kong. He was 30 and I was 68. Like I, years earlier, he barely had his nose out the closet door. I mentored him and he taught me that I was still capable of both giving and receiving unconditional love. We had to part when I had to return to the States and he could not.

In neither case was there advantage taken of anyone. The only discrimination ever experienced in either relationship was that the mother of the young Chinese man wanted nothing to do with me when she found out how old I was. The rest of his family had no problem with our relationship.

The assumption that in such relationships there always is exploitation is just that, assumption, and based not on fact.

This young man (football player) has my blessing to love and be loved by whomever he wishes. God bless him and his partner.

Excellently written, I am so glad you have had 2 younger older relationships in your 80 years of life.
Keep up the good work.

You're a moron.

You are so full of B S**t it's not funny , there is nothing and I repeat nothing remotely PEDOPHILIC about this or any other story of young adults and older adults having relationships.
You call this huge muscled 18 year old a child ( you need glasses ) a child is pre pubescent and under age this guy is neither of those. This post is to Francobollo.

By who's standards is such a judgement of "exploitation" made? We, as gay men and women, are alrerady marginalized by whom we love. "Choice " is something we all have the right to exercise. As long as there are no external signs of spousal abuse, I would expect that a couple's choice to be with each other should be respected.
Older women are called "cougars" when they hook up with a younger male. I am unaware of any such designation for the gay situation! However, Supreme Court Justice William Douglas, in his 80's married a much younger female lawyer who was apparently loving and faithful til his death a number of years later!
I espouse freedom of choice.

if both people are fine with it then it's fine with me. generally the older man is the one making the most sacrifices.

News flash: People are attracted to what and whom they are drawn to. A gay man should know that at least as well as anyone. It's not at all uncommon for younger guys to be attracted to older men, and no, it's NOT for their money. That's just the type they're hard-wired for. Some of them are into the whole Daddy thing but, for the most part, they want to be treated as nearly as possible to equals, to pay their own fair share, etc.

The stigma come from the <38 crowd who is hard-wired towards guys of the own age, and towards gym bunnies and pretty boys. Perhaps it bothers them that an 18 year old hot guy who won't give them the time of day adores older men. Regardless, in this day and age, nobody gets exploited unwittingly.

I'm a big fan of 'judge not' these are two consenting adults and they will figure out over time if they are a match or not, or time will make the question moot. Whose relationships aren't complicated, messy, unbalanced....? If I were mom I would not even offer advice unless asked for, but that's just me. I also think there is some implied heterosexism when exploitation is discussed in age, sexual positions, or money; for instance, Catholic Bishops opine, supposedly without experience of their own, that in anal sex someone is being used with the implication that it is the bottom! I don't think so, look who's moaning ; )

To be quite honest I have never been that concerned.. about some other guy dating someone
older than their self.. I would never confront someone about something like that.. Because, I wouldfeel like that is not my business.. I would, just mind my own business!!

Rich

Relationships and partnerships (of all kinds) are always going to be about what the other person is bringing to the table. It's hard to argue with love. If love is real, and the relationship is good, then age becomes secondary. As human beings we always try to quantize or place restrictions on things that don't fit into "our" box. I have had many "Spring-Autumn" relationships, and have learned a great deal about myself in every one, and very few of these have been sexual. I applaud Jamie for having more moxie and guts than most "normal" kids his age...to me I think he is a 100% normal and fairly well adjusted 19 year old. I am proud of him!

from the looks of things, anyone finding love with anyone at any age is an improvement. One gets the impression that for every man in a relationship there are twenty sitting at the train station looking at their watches or trying on men like bedroom slippers

Interesting observation. I was in a Dad/son relationship which worked for three years. Each of us brought different things to the table but exploitation was not one of them. His biological Dad asked me repeatedly to take him back.

i agree - it might raise an eyebrow, but that's all it should raise....

Well, if there was ever a time to blow my cover, this topic would be it. In some ways, yes, there can be exploitation of the younger from the older member(s) of a May/Dec relationship. The (s) was put in there because I was on the Jenny Jones show (episode # unknown) originally aired on Oct 15 1992 entitled "May/Dec Gay Relationships." My ex and I were one of four couples on the show which came off quite well. The relationship with my ex was a menage-a-trois and the second partner (my ex's first lover of 29 years when I first met him) declined to be interviewed (I'm sure there was a subsequent show about 3-ways somewhere in the talk-show universe).

It turns out that the relationship I was in at the time turned out to be stereotypical in the older exploiting the younger to a degree, however, it wasn't like I wasn't told as much by everyone who cared a bit about my well being. At least I have the video as a reminder to LISTEN and consider others' opinions (part of the maturing process, I guess).

On the other hand, I am now in a relationship with a partner/husband who is 20 years my senior (my ex is 30 years my senior), and it is going on 9 years. So, it IS possible to have a long-term May/Dec relationship. My heroes and model for this type of relationship wrote, IMHO THE BIBLE on gay relationships, David P McWhirter & Andrew M Mattison "The Male Couple, How Relationshps Develop." They were an older/younger gay couple who published their ground-breaking study in 1984 (ISBN 0-13-547661-5). The Prentice-Hall book is long out of print, but I had the good fortune of meeting both of them before they passed away, and suggest anyone who wants to lay down a solid foundation do the homework and at least read the anecdotes contained in the book (if you can find it). The statistics are a little dry.

Kent

In general, I try not to be critical of anyone else's relationship choice, especially age-wise (my partner and I are 17 years apart). But 17 and 47 years are two entirely different gaps.

Yes, there is the education into the gay world factor - though a man who's 65 in 2012 would have been 18 in 1965. His experiences coming out pre-Stonewall aren't likely to be very relevant for a boy coming out today.

And yes, I know 18 year olds can find "love" but what's love to a youth of that age and to a man of 65 are usually vastly different things.

The sex part doesn't bother me - but I do think there's some sort of exploitation going on, on one or both sides. If that's consensual, that's okay, I just don't want to see either of them hurt unnecessarily.

Every situation and every relationship is unique. Certainly no judgment can be drawn until one understands each individual, circumstances and conditions, and the nature and sources of strength of the relationship. Such relationships exist in straight as well as gay/lesbian world. Who we are attracted to and the strength and love we receive should not anyone's business.

Given that gay male relationships are often not about getting married and raising a family, given the right mix of other factors, and that both partners take into account the differences involved, why not give it a try?

When I was 19 I had a summer romance with a 54 yo while working in a resort. He did not exploit me. I was in hospitality and he was very Senior in the company. He would bring huge parties to the restaurant and await my space to clear to accomodate his party. I lived in company housing, when I stayed over in his SC oceanfront home, I had (after) my own bedroom to which the maid attended. He engaged me as a bartender for his poolside party entertaining high-ranking govt officials. When we met so innocently within the 1st couple of weeks of my arrival, we both knew it was for the summer. He was a gentlemen. We stayed in touch and a couple years later I went to visit --- with my mother. She didn't know the deal of course. Nor about me. Having had this relationship, it is easy for me to understand such short-term relationships. If they can last longer term, very fine.

It appears to me that age difference doesn't cause exploitation. Exploitation is present in every relationship, every age. We all "use" another to make us happy or meet a need, just as the other always uses us to make him happy and meet his needs. This is the motivation for a marriage, or a relationship, or a friendship. Providing for the needs and the comfort of the one we love is part of what makes us happy ourselves, but we are still "using" him to make ourselves feel good one way or another.

The first definition of exploit is to make use of or derive benefit from something or someone. This is what love does, doesn't it? The secondary definitions include the selfishness and negative side of exploiting. The idea of the May and December relationship being any more or less of an exploitation is a "taste" issue and gays are just as judgmental as the straight world (or even more-so at times) if it is any quality that one personally finds unappealing. Consider the slurs against the twinks, or against the creepy old men, or against the fatties, or against the furballs, or against the fems, or against.... well, you get the idea.

One of my most loving and caring relationships was with a 20 year old university football player, with a 44 year age difference, and we both gained from the relationship. We both exploited the beauty (physical, intellectual, and spiritual) inherent in the other, the different, the opposite even.

The point is, though, that we basked in the giving of ourselves, of what we each had to offer the other one. We loved the giving as much as the receiving. That joy is present in all positive relationships and members of daddyhunt especially should step back from judging or misjudging relationships between older and younger, or any other consenting adult relationship as far as that is concerned.

A very well worded and thought-out answer! I agree totally with your comments. Nice job! Neil

Amen, idaho1! To think how much we detest being judged by others because of our orientation, because we're fat, we're queer looking or sounding, gay dressing, because we try to act 'straight',
etc, etc, you'd think those in our community would withhold judgement and live and let live.

The footballer is VERY attractive. I wonder if it is only the age issue besides the obvious gay issue. Not seeing them together makes it hard to 1analyze. I am definitely an elder but I have have dates and even a long term FWB connection with a guy a third my age. For the most part it was always assumed that he was my son, or grandson despite the fact that we look nothing alike. The only difficulties we had were in gay venues where I had to protect him from predatory guys closer to his age who wouldn't take no for an answer. Two or three times I had to stand in the doorway of a restroom so he could use it without being bothered.

His present lover is 65 and he is 25. They are wonderful together an d we still have a pleasant social connection.

and BTW, no one has ever exploited the young man in question except some older family members who wanted to do him out of his inheritance.

I say Good Luck to them. I wish them the kind of relationship that I enjoy.

I am twice as old as my partner. It was love at first sight for both of us. He is 43 & I am 86 & we have a beautiful closed relationship. We have been together for a few years. At times he has been taken for my son & we both consider it as a private joke. We go along with it. Example recently we were having dinner in a popular local restaurant & our server was a cute young lady about 25. He went to check a ball game score from the T-V in the bar & while he was gone she brought part of our meal. She asked "Your son" & I answered "yes, my baby, six feet three inches & 225 pounds. She said he is cute. I said thanks & I'll tell him. He said thanks for telling me "Dad".

I wish all couples find the love that we share.

They are old enough, and presumably smart enough, to know what they are doing. We should applaud their lives or leave them alone.

At age 57, I met a 20 yo online. He was all I could imagine wanting and he was eager to meet me, which flattered me to no end. In the first meeting, I had confirmed that he was lifetime material- very mature, independent, model attractive, and skilled physically as well, making me feel like a novice and clumsy. Still he persisted in seeing qualities in me that drew him to me so that, within weeks, we were both head over hills. I felt 25 and he felt taken serious by a mature, guiding partner.

He was not ready to 'come out' and felt the relationship, given there were a couple hour's distance between us, could betray his orientation and that his life would change in a way he could not face.
so, you may think youth and immaturity prevented a real relationship from happening, huh? About 8 months after me, this young man met a local guy a year older than myself and they have been going strong for 4 years now and the fact that his partner was local enabled him to become involved with his present partner enough to defiantly pronounce his gay relationship to his parents and others who he had previously hidden his orientation from.

From him, I learned so much and i hope that he learned from me as well. I have no regrets about that first relationship except that i still have not found one who measured up to him.

I think it's amazing that anyone thinks they get a vote on someone else's sexuality or their relationships. If an opinion is asked for, that's one thing. If not, it's the business of the two people involved. One thing I do know for sure: No one can EVER, EVER really understand someone else's relationship or marriage.

I agree. In a sense, opinions were requested, but certainly not by the two people involved--who, one can assume, aren't really all that interested in what anyone else thinks.

A 40+ age difference isn't for me, but they are both adults and as they get to choose who they love.

The heart can't help who it falls in love with

If attractions and feelings are mutual between two people and there is open and honest communication, age does not matter. Period.

There is bias about big age differences. That bias exists across the board. Many younger men would like to date older men, but feel pressure from their peers and hesitate to follow their feelings. Many older men whose romantic life was never much and now it's over are jealous. Many straight people, even long time friends who are otherwise okay with my being gay, have an initial reaction to the idea of someone my age dating someone the age of their child or grandchild.

I didn't seek or initially have interest in younger men, it was quite a surprise when it first started happening. I lived through the "Plague Years" and watched most of my current and former boyfriends (my age more or less) die horrible deaths until the early 90s when protease inhibitors came out. I stopped counting friends after 100 died. I belonged to a gym in West Hollywood that in 1985, had 117 members die in one year. By the time I was in my 40s, I figured that my love life was over, particularly after having lost one beautiful man who I watched shrivel up, get covered with KS lesions, turn into a skeleton an die. Rick was in love with me, as I was in love with him. It took me years to get over his passing.

Then one day, a man half my age chased me down and bedded me, much to my surprise. Like him, most of my recent admirers have either had other lovers (and I was the "on the side" guy) or they were passing through town. So I'm still single, but now I have hope that I won't be alone in my old age. I feel blessed by God over this, like it's "make up time" for the decade that was lost watching so many men die of AIDS that was my "prime."

As for "exploitation" that's just B.S. I always had older friends when I was young. They replaced the grand parents who died before I ever knew them, and the wisdom they shared with me about their own lives has been invaluable in mine. So I try to pass on what has been given to me. Most of the younger men I've dated were emotionally neglected as children, and are very appreciative of just feeling the love, attention and wisdom that I am able to offer them. It's almost like all the pain I lived through was preparing me for the role of sharing what I've learned with them, and offering a gentleness and understanding that they never got from their own upbringing. So they feel very blessed to have me in their lives, and I feel very blessed to have them.

So, if a man is of legal age, and makes me feel alive and time stands still when I'm with him, I don't give a rats ass about what anyone thinks, and if they have a problem, they'd better keep it to themselves, unless they want a fight.

Love is of God. If two people love each other, that's enough.

Love Knows NO Age or Gender. As long as the Legal Age is followed, No one has ANY Business saying ANYTHING about it!!!

I think it is inappropriate for this young adult to have been kicked off the team for kissing his boyfriend. As a younger guy who is interested in men in their 40's, 50's and 60's, I understand how hard it is to have a public relationship with a man 30+ years your senior. My heart goes out to him.

A younger guy dating an older guy is one thing. But an 18 year old boy - and, yes, he's a boy - dating a 65 year old man?! That's creepy. I don't care what you say. I can see why the boy would be interested but why in the world would a 65 year old man want to date a child? There's something not right there. It's practically pedophilia. Sorry.

Good response.

On the lighter side after seeing the boy's photo, can you blame the 65 year old man????

I have only been in one long term relationship. I was 35 and my partner literally chased me down the street to ask me to dinner. I asked his age and he said 22. Later I found out he had lied, had a fake ID and was actually 19. We lived together and loved together for 3 years. When he became legal he hit the bars and our relationship changed. Then the vultures moved in and much to my sadness he took up with a meth monster and our relationship failed to survive. That was over 22 years ago and since then I have not had a relationship. Lots of sex but not a deep felt heart love.
On this site I have met a wonderful young man who lives far away and is 25. I am going to be on 57. I care for him and he cares for me. The heart wants what the heart wants!
More important is the courage this young man had being out and in one of the most homophobic sports in the world. I coached football and was terrified that I would be seen going into a gay bar, a bath house, or a sex club. Bravo for his courage and his partner. Hey you a--holes at the university let the young man play football. After all at least one of you likes to wear women's panties. Who cares ?

I think many of you are missing the most important issue of all. Namely, the extremely poor judgement of the older man in this particular situation. He should of known better than to engage in a make out session in a highly viable location. A football stadium, even the press box, is one of the most macho/heterosexual environments one could imagine. We can argue all we want that this shouldn't be the case, but it is. I don't make any judgements about the young man's attraction to older men. However, he desperately wanted to play division 1 football. He was also not out to ANY of his family or teammates. At a very basic level, he was not ready for this.

In any meaningful relationship, one of the primary tenants should be to look out for your friend or partner. You offer advice and support. In this regard the older man brought nothing to the table. Given a lifetime of experience and knowledge the older man simply failed. He easily could of just of said - No, this isn't the place or time for that. His lack of common sense is staggering.

well said.... I agree with you.

Sorry, I meant to say visible location, not viable.

to each their own...............and if it works for them then fine. It seems truly like an ancient Greek mentor style situation...they are of both legal age....get off their backs......open up your mind and heart

The inter-generational work just fine thank you!! Love comes at any age difference!!! My boyfriend is twenty five years younger that I and we have a great relationship!!!

I just spent the night with a man 10 years younger. He invited me to his place. In the middle of the night, he asked if he could call me "Daddy". I was never asked that, but I said sure, if it makes him feel safe and loved in my arms, why not? I called him "my boy", he loved it. Good times.

Inter-generational relationships are fine as long as:

1. The parties know FULLY what they want,
2. They willingly SEEK EACH OTHER OUT mutually, and...
3. The resulting relationship is, grows as, and remains one between EQUALS.

The rest of the details are the private business of the happy lovers/partners/spouses and shouldn't be subject to ANYONE'S JUDGEMENT BUT THEIR OWN!

This of course, in an ideal world, which of course it isn't, but all of us, gay AND straight, should be striving for this type of world.

The bottom line is ---- LOVE.

America . The land of the free? He is old enough to die for his country therefore he is old enough to make his own choices. It is appalling that so many of you seem to be in the position to judge. Your life is your own and so should his be .
This is an open and shut case . He should not be discriminated against and we should support his right to choose. Thank you for reading.

We are talking about two people living their lives together. Their ages don't matter to me, because they are both adults. Their relationship is THEIR business, not mine.