Gay Bar Rejection Tutorial

February 16, 2012

It's a year old, and a little past Valentine's Day, but this video popped up in my rounds today and I think it's worth sharing. Mostly because, I think we've all been there.

What's your protocol after an unlucky night out at the bars? Mine involves an avocado and a private dance party with my pug.

Tags: Meeting People, Gay Bars, Web Videos
Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Share this
Post written by RobHeartsDH (View Author Profile)
About this author: Rob lives in Manhattan with his black pug Riley. When he’s not thinking about daddies, he enjoys writing, eating burritos, watching copious amounts of television, and thinking about his next meal.
View all posts by RobHeartsDH


I think Sex and the City was probably one of the worst things to happen to gay civilization: It has turned a whole generation of men into brooding, pessimistic, whiny, sexaholic bitches.

Seriously. Whatever happened to going out just for the sake of going out, without an agenda, and without the notion that if you don't score it sucks to be you? This "I am here to get laid and fuck you if that isn't what you're after; and double fuck you if you don't precisely match the very specific profile I am after" attitude really needs to be lost. Nothing will scare off guys faster than some dude who comes in somewhere, clearly on a mission but with a "reduced for quick sale" sign over his head. Try channeling an alternate-Universe version of yourself that is friendly, unpretentious, has depth, and is open to more than a dick you find desirable until a better one shows up.

Perhaps it is just me but I don't have trouble meeting people who want to be intimate with me whom I also find desirable, even in this day and age. Then again, I am completely comfortable in my own skin and not looking for validation.

hmm I think the dude was having a joke, you see :)

*He* may have been joking or making a statement but there are countless guys here in DC who are 100% real-world embodiments of this. My brother and son tell me San Francisco is swarming with them as well. YMMV. Most of them will never see it, or if they do won't get it.

Dear Mr Uncut

You are no doubt right. I think this dude means what he said, I just liked the fact that he did it in a light-hearted way, which is after all the best way to cope with most of life's ups and downs. Pls tell me what YMMV means. :)

John x

did we ever find out what YMMV stands for?

Your Mileage May Vary

You make me Vomit? Lol it's funny bc I might go out to the bar with my partner in NY or Phila/Atlantic City or w my st8 coupled friends, haven't been to DC. But take into account this is coming from a well educated "partnered" adult man. I'm lucky to have my partner and am sympathetic to those searching for theirs. It's quite unfair to go on a tirade regarding other people's insecurities bc we all deserve to be loved. I'm trying to get to a place with my partner of 8 years where we can be open, safe and share our lusts/fantasies with each other, and a few VERY lucky guys. I haven't watched the vid bc I'm not on wifi, but having smart phones (for which I pay) sure plays an interesting dynamic especially if one person is secure and willing to be open and the other may be not feeling those qualities as much. I'm pretty much a non-scene guy for the aforementioned reasons and proficient spelling, grammar and etiquette goes a long way. Why would you expect those qualities if you are out at a singles bar when you're in a relationship? YMMV lol as long as it's out of your dick and on me not in me.

Yes because men totally didn't start being 'sexaholic bitches' until Sex & the City came along..Sorry but I don't think going to a bar to cruise for sex is anything new.

Not everyone in the younger generation has this mindset. Sex is fun and all, doing it on a first date is great (I will admit to doing that); but going out for the sake of meeting somebody nice is wonderful. In accordance with my "sex on the first date is great" comment; I usually cuddle and kiss as well, it isn't right to be a fuck and go type of person. You are right about there being a lot of guys in that box. As for the bitchiness being part of the younger generation (excluding a small percentage); I would agree with that...guys need to act like men and not a pms-ing mega-bitch.

ha ha I liked the humorous look at reality. I think he has locked in the basic ambitions of most men who go into a bar -whether looking for another guy, or a girl.

I envy you....after all these years, I am comfortable in my own skin and god only knows I have had my share of rejections. But what sets me ill at ease are the come on's from those I have no interest in. And so many either can't read the disinterest or fail to take no for an answer. That is was has me fearing returning eye contact and seeming to me unapproachable...which I am surely not. Any advice or suggestions? I would surely welcome. I am not easy to have, but I am surely not hard to know or approach. pj dallas

Hmmm... well on your profile it says you are in a relationship, so how would this matter or apply to you in the first place. This is an obvious spoof, it is sarcasm. He basically says he is looking to meet someone, not just have sex. This has nothing to do with Sex and the City, in any way, shape or form, and we have all gone out before hoping to meet someone. Not sure why you would be meeting guys who want to be intimate with you, when you have a partner. Did I miss something?

Haaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!! Excellent!

An older pal once said to me: "Rule 1 for dealing with gay venues is checking your self-esteem at the front door when you walk in" and this great little tutorial nails that message perfectly!

Of course we only have ourselves to blame for not getting it when we're very young i.e. that gay bars are only in business to sell more alcohol to people than they want or need. They create an atmosphere (with music and attitude) that discourages intimacy and facilitates feelings of alienation. It's not in their best interests at all to have you meet someone nice, leave after one drink and neither of you come back until the relationship has run it's course.

And as for that old "They're just meat markets!" criticism? If only! If only you could walk in and find your Valentine for the night without wasting most of it drinking! If only the other shoppers would abandon their "He's too short/fat/thin/old/young/fem/nice/un-nice/geeky/freaky/poor/racially inappropriate/overdressed/underdressed blah blah blah" attitudes...

When I walk in I'm always looking for the guy in the "I'm Lonely, Sober And Amazingly Available!" T-shirt: dude has at least thought it through and decided to man up! Since i never find him my strategy is complete denial: I usually go home happily alone after having convinced myself I was only there to have a drink with a pal - self-deceit is my partner for the night!

I think I'm going to get a "I'm Lonely, Sober and Amazingly Available!" t-shirt! That's really a great idea!! LOL

Sign me up for that one as well!!!

I have decided to become a monk on a deserted island, sniff -sniff

I go out to the bars and clubs for the music and maybe a nice conversation usually with the bartender(s)... though not much of a drinker....and certainly not there to pick up a guy...... then i go home and watch some porn...

When I go out, which is rarely these days, I do so to see my friends. I used to spend hours primping trying to look good, but now I just go in without a care in the world. I have fun with my friends and then come home. I have admit I am surprised at the attention I get when I come across as I don't care....but I still come home alone, but by choice (well that is what I tell myself anyways, lol)

don't do bars so who cares but he's talented and attractive. glad he likes pets and wears white socks. hope he fixes the stupid smoking and potty mouth.

...and it's SO not true.... HE'D never go home alone!!

1. Will you marry me?
2. Damn you live on the other side of the Atlantic.
3. Very true about the avoiding people. I once picked up a kid in a London bar on New Year's Eve. After he had looked anywhere except at me for two hours I thought to hell with it and went and talked to him.
Boy: Thanks goodness I thought you would never talk to me.
Me: But you just spent the last two hours ignoring me.
Boy: Yes sorry I always do that if I like someone.

Hey young men: the older guy always feels at a disadvantage. There are more of us looking for you than the other way round. So be encouraging. Look at him. You could even try smiling.


ROFL Too funny!

That was GREAT! To funny, I loved it!

this video was so great funny delivery great guy was adorable plus an animal lover yeah and hit it right on the head keep drinking no seriouslly let try to be kinder to each other in gay bars and gay gatherings rubberjock

Cute man, very much on point though. For me, I just love my cat and jerk off to porn on the net.

Phew! I wondered for a moment where that was going with the cat.....

lol.... yes, well we do have a special relationship.

Hey man,
you look like my first (ex); you're cute. How could you be rejected?... ;o)~

I can understand where he is coming from, but personally I prefer not to be pessimistic about meeting people. However there here is a fundamental problem with the kind of guys that are a part of the gay bar scene when it comes to gay bars, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

The most successful relationships I have had with guys I have met outside of the gay bars and clubs, not that there is much to choose from here in Adelaide. I personally avoid all alcohol when I'm meeting someone for the first time, drinking during the date is fine (in moderation) but first impressions count for a don't want to give the guy you are seeing the impression you're a raging alcoholic that just fell off the wagon. I can understand that some guys like to drink in order to lower their inhibitions, women do it too. Personally I think that is a rather lazy way of dealing with inhibitions and personal barriers, all I can say is get un-f*cked up already. If you rely on alcohol too much a man will sense that dependency and move onto someone else who has their head together. Confidence is sexy (it certainly is to me) and a guy that has to drink in order to be confident just sets alarms off in my head.

I would be willing to bet that more relationships that have lasted were forged when two men were a little loaded than when they were totally sober and well behaved in a bar situation. That hardly means they are bad people. being zombie-like and restrained does not convey 'maturity' so much as a need to appear that way around others. I don't condone "f-d" up, but nor do I think people who feel an inordinate need to be in control are necessarily more attractive; they could potentially just be a drag

Fair enough, I'm not suggesting being a complete ice queen is a good way of making yourself alluring, but I don't think a guy that is a slobbering alcoholic mess is likely to be relationship material either.

Because when it's closing time and you have had a bit too much to drink your capacity to choose a suitable guy to take home will be well and truly shot. And no-one wants to end up in the bed of some random whom they drunkenly picked up in the bar and would otherwise normally never been seen with in daylight?

I don't know about you but I prefer for a man to choose me, rather than settle for me because he drank a whole bottle of Tequila and it's 5 minutes before closing time. I have seen more than my fair share of guys doing that, they do their rounds around the club drunkenly trying to pick up someone - anyone, and then they get to you. Sorry, but I have more self-esteem than that.


nice insight and wisdom for such a young guy and presented in a witty fashion - good stuff!

I am in total agreement with the sly humour of this video. Very well done with a tongue in the cheek.

As a senior I can recall those days of religion and mass confusion listening to the right that is neither religious nor right, ergo the religious right is neither.

And yet, in my aging (aching should be the word) moments of wander and lust, I still have those bottles of liquor, perched upon the alta/er available for the young person with whom I can offer up the experienced cardinal virtues of prudence and courage that leads to self satisfaction and the heavenly state of ecstasy.

Speaking of which, my married angel is leaving his wife for a weekly visit to hear my physical homily for his aural/oral enjoyment. And no, I do not tape these moments for posterity.

On the serious side, I do have no problems being chosen or picking up in a gay bar, and by a younger person. I will bring him home and we will make love to the midnight express. Even a bishop has been taught.

I'm quite sure he's never had the problems shown in the video....

The first shirt was the best... he should lose the cap... appeal way down with the smoking... and the drinking... heck, everything he did was wrong!

Oh, and get that cat neutered.

parts of the video crack me me up every time I think about them. seems like a talented writer/director/actor, so I bet we'll see more of him. cool the way he worked his bare chest and Woody Allen into the video. some of his other videos, like the ones about movie reviews and wine pranks, must have been earlier attempts. thanks for posting this. it's a hoot.

Hilarious, except that it resembles about a thousand and one nights I've had. If you could tally the best source of sheer loneliness and alienation among gay men for the last 30 years, the bars really have proven themselves to be the most homophobic insitutions around. Instead of functioning at least a little like community centers, which themselves are usually terminally boring, the bars have totally fucked us over with cheap alcohol, loud music, deep attitude, arrogant good-looking guys and self-critical average guys. Maybe we should revolt?

You're right. We SHOULD revolt. I remember doing AOL chat rooms in the 90s, thinking it was a better class of people than I found in bars. Where I live, 90 percent of gay interaction is online now and it's become at least as dehumanizing as the bars. I'm a very light drinker. People in general get catty when they drink. That goes double for gay guys. Gay bars all over have an unhealthy protocol/culture. No wonder more guys stay in the closet. Besides the Internet and bars, there is no way of meeting gay men where I live. I thought we were supposed to be the creative, innovative ones. It's time for somebody to come up with an original idea.

I've decided to just do things I enjoy and hope a decent gay guy turns up that way. I'm lucky enough to live in a very tolerant, progressive city where most straight people are nicer to gay guys than we are to each other. I've come to the painful realization that if I'm to have a full social life, straight people are going to make up the bulk of it. They actually speak to each other in the bars and have common coutresy. What a concept!

This kind of behavior by so many gay men is indeed revolting.

This is why god gave you Mrs Palm and her five children.

I think straight guys socialize easily with other guys, because they assume there is no sexual tension or sexual baggage. Makes for a much more light-hearted conversation and just hanging out.

By the way, love the humor in the video. :)

Great video..funny and sooooo true. We've all been there done that..

Here in West Hollywood California, there are eight bars within a 20 minute walk from my house. I go bar hoping with friends or alone. Just go without any expectations. I like the younger bars, even though at times I feel like I am a ghost. But last month, on each Friday night, took home guys less than 30. They love their Daddies! Last night I drove twelve minutes away to a bear bar..woof! Chatted with some and left. I went to the sex club afterwards where I had my fun. Came home, still horny, put on my favorite sling porn and sprayed the keyboard with my load.

It's sad that there aren't more "alcohol free venues" for the gay community.

Stats show that 3 out of 4 gay men have a substance abuse problem. That's an alarming rate, yet no one seems concerned about it, complacency rules the "online realm".

If you need a "substance" to "bring out the REAL you" then there's a problem: drugs/drink won't and don't "bring out the real YOU".

My experience is that the "flakes" are the ones that are the "blow off's" in the bars, they're there to quell their own agenda: their OWN personal needs: fuck anybody else.

For a community that "demands equality", (along with everything else) and is unyielding enough to be as immature collectively, nothing is ever going to change for the better.

That guy is fuckin hot... If I would spot him, It wouldn't take me a minute to approach him though! LOL
Is he on Daddyhunt!?
If so, he should get in touch with me or the orher way around!
What's his profile???

How could such a HOT cutie be so pessimistic OR be rejected? I was so shy when I first came out that I'd let other guys pick me up. I never seemed to have problems at all and was ALWAYS optimistic and talkative, once the ice was broken. I've always liked long lasting, cuddly, mutually enjoyable sex and I KNOW that I brought ecstatic pleasures to very many men in my days. I commented on the Cuddle Buddies blog too and what I wrote there would apply here too.

"Nothing tops the serenity and joy of great cuddling. It precedes the best sex and follows on afterward to show the enjoyment and desire to linger in each others arms, revel in their presence, talk and get to know each other. From my first sexual encounters, I've always wanted and usually gotten long cuddle sessions, quite often lasting the rest of the night and often leading to multi-orgasmic sex. I love furry men and cuddling gives me a fantastic opportunity to "fondle their fur" and show my appreciation for time well spent. As I've become quite furry myself, I can really get off on other men rubbing and cuddling with my furry otter-like body. It is male bonding at its finest!"

And I found that more often than not when frequenting bars while looking for hookups. AND I never drowned my sorrows, if I didn't get picked up with alcohol. I've usually been a one-drink person and never had an alcoholic problem. Maybe that comes with being an optimist! LOL

this whole sequence is a parody..very woody allen in his humor...its a commentary on how some approach going happens ......but be positive and just enjoy your being out w/other guys.....why beat yourself up!!..i think thats his point

Hope he gets to read some of the comments posted here. He may not be into older guys, and may not visit Daddyhunt.
From one of his videos --> name: Robbie Joe Banfitch, location at the time: East Hollywood. "Sarcasm with a dash of whimsy in full bodied culture broth serviced with shredded intellect." He has quite a collection of videos on YouTube, and a following. This seems like one of his best videos (my opinion). The impression that he would go to a gay bar alone, be rejected, and leave alone is probably wishful thinking on our part. Mix that alcohol, bob your head to the music, be optimistic. Maybe Robbie will get a big Hollywood break, if he hasn't already. Until then, we'll hopefully get more videos, preferably a few more with no shirt, no shoes, no pants, no problem.

this guy is hilarious, i want to be his friend