Daddy See, Daddy Say

November 11, 2011
Category: Dating
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Who knew studying Craig's List Missed Connections could be so fascinating? This week The Village Voice interviewed Ingrid Burrington, who has been processing the self made serendipity of Missed Connection ads into viable data. Her findings are pretty interesting, like that Equinox gyms are cruisier than New York Sports Clubs, and include pie charts and maps of the most common places and phrases found on the site. The world of missed connections is interesting all on it it's own, so to have someone doing in depth analysis on the posts makes for a good read.

There was a time in my life when I would go out into the world, see a guy I was attracted to, stare, debate, overthink, and ultimately do nothing about, only to regret it for days at a time. Didn't matter if it was at a gay bar, on the street, or at a party, the result was always the same: days of beating myself up about not making a proper move. Which is why I depended so heavily on Craig's List Missed Connections to do the rest, but rarely were my posts ever answered. One day I wised up and took the MTA's terrorism slogan to heart: see something, say something.

Whenever I'm out now and I see someone I'm attracted to, I force myself to go up to this person and at the very least introduce myself. Whether I bomb, make an impression, or the conversation ends right after hello, I know that I took control of the situation and at least tried. For the longest time I was so terrified to go up to people fearing rejection. And while that fear still lives within me, I take comfort in the fact that 90% of the guys I want to talk to feel the same way. Most of the time we go out hoping that someone will have the balls to come and say talk to us. Not only is it an instant relief when they do, but it makes them come off as confident and self-assured which is always an attractive quality. Perhaps if we all "see something, say something" when out and about, maybe they'll be more connections to be made and less to be missed.

What's your take on approaching guys? Is it easier to take action or is missed connections the way to go?

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Post written by RobHeartsDH (View Author Profile)
About this author: Rob lives in Manhattan with his black pug Riley. When he’s not thinking about daddies, he enjoys writing, eating burritos, watching copious amounts of television, and thinking about his next meal.
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Comments

It is better to be rejected than not know where you stand. The opportunity may not repeat itself again with that one particular person. The answer may be tough on one's ego but that is how life is. On the other hand, the answer may be what we want and we don't want to miss it. How often do we find someone really attractive to us. Probably not that frequent (true, at least, in my case). So why not go for it? Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Everyone gets rejected at some point regardless of age, looks or whatever reason.It's all Power for the course, and whats worse feeling a bit rejected for a day or so or letting loads of opportunties pass you by and disappear forever??

So timely this article is. I am working on returning smiles, and even engaging in a hello or good evening. About two months ago, in one week I blew some opportunities that left me kicking myself for remaining silent. Walking into my neighborhood market, a guy was smiling at me while he was putting oranges into a bag. I ignored them. Went to another part of the store, and ironically was a few behind him in the check out line. I blew it and didnt catch up with him. A few days later I was running to a bar for a date. I passed a dog walker that was smiling at me and I rushed past him. I remember smiling a small smile but continued rushing along. I did stop and turn back. He was hot, and his dog was handsome also, lol. I returned the following week on the same days and times to see if I could catch them again, but of course I never did. Today, I force myself to engage and blurt out something, even though it may sound like I am choking on my words. I don't want to miss an opportunity that may result in something good.

Yeah, nothing ventured, etc. But after being rejected and ignored enough, it kinda wears a guy down, you know? So - yes, speak up, and do it soon, before you become so old as to be invisible...

btrue49, this article is timely for me too.

I plan to make a personal ad type of card that I can take with me whenever I go out to do errands, go to church, or whatever. This way, when I end up talking with someone, and our chat is going well, I can give them my card and indicate my interest in dating the guy.

Until recently, whenever I saw a guy I was interested, if it was not in a gay bar, I would drive myself crazy trying to decide if the guy is gay. I become even more unsure or confused if we end up chatting with one another; is he gay, or is he just an outgoing straight guy?

So now I've resolved that when I'm talking with a guy I'm attracted to, instead of just wondering and walking away with nothing, I'm just going to boldly ask the guy, "Would you like to go on a date with me?" Sounds so much better than saying, "So are you gay?"

just because I am crawling on the floor and climbing up the the walls.
You could think I am of a broken mind
Holding on to memories.
Nothing never being enough.
Not wanting to be in between.
just wanting to be safe In my own skin
My confusion makes me think. But solutions are beyond a sorry mind.
Each time my mind tells me I am wrong
my heart steps in to tell that it won't be long.
Then I finally realize that
I am ALONE!

must agree better to know ..
life should be a venture.

There is some pressure when you try to introduce yourself to someone, whether it be in public or in a bar scene. Primarily there is a physical attraction that sparks an interest, but what most people don't seem to realize is that once you get to know a person that attraction diminishes based on the personality of that person. The person that is being approached has to be open and welcoming to meeting people even if he doesn't find the person approaching him attractive. This all leads back to having the social skills needed not only in finding your soul mate, but succeeding in life.

I really enjoy this entry. The third paragraph is especially well expressed. And I feel much the same way.

Sometimes i wonder if the guy is staring because he likes what he sees or because he's thinking: wtf is that guy staring at? lol, and the fact that i feel attracted to bear types which most of the time is hard to figure out their sexuality just by looking at them makes it even harder. From now on i will send more signals of interest if i really like the guy ( without making them feel uncomfortable )

I recently had an experience at a local coffee shop where I found one of the barristas very attractive. It grew over a couple of months - first I didn't even notice him, then I did, then he became more and more attractive every time I saw him. We chatted and smiled along the way, and I was sure he was gay. Anyway, one day, I bit the bullet and asked if he had a break in his shift, could we chat? He looked incredibly uncomfortable, but agreed. It was silly really, when I left I realised it would require me to return to the coffee shop later that day. It kinda felt really desperate. And he wasn't that enthusiastic. In fact, I saw a fear in his flash of fear in his eyes which was quite a horrible thing to cause.

Anyway, it turns out he is gay and has a partner. SO I suppose it was a good thing that I didn't return - it would have all been very awkward. I still go to the coffee shop and sometimes even when he is working, just to prove to myself that it's not a crushing defeat and it really does require both parties interest. And it taught me the value of getting to know someone through them being a part of your community (as in the greater community, not the exclusive gay population) and that real attraction is much stronger when it grows naturally, not spikes when you first see them.

Sometimes it's not only just about whether they are gay - it's about them being available also. You really have to be prepared for both outcomes more often than not. It is sometimes hard to find out "yes! he is gay!" then "oh, he's happily partnered" or "oh, I'm not his type." So very close, yet so very far away.

He seems like a sweet guy anyway, I imagine he would be happily partnered, it would have been nice to have developed a nice friendship, a level headed connection. But in this instance, that did not happen because I tried to take it beyond that. No regrets, as someone posted earlier better to know where you stand than to pine for what was in fact more hope than reality.

Of course jingo; I did not mean to forget that it's also important for the guy not only to be gay, but also to be available.

now that tech gadgetry mediates hook-ups, maybe we are loosing face-to-face socializing skills.

Very very true Scott. And when people do meet up on a face to face social basis these days, its only for a totally silent sit round a dinner table all synchronising clicking with their Iphones.

To Scottyscott...It is so easy to do a few clicks with the mouse and have someone at your door in minutes. I have noticed a sharp decrease in attendance at my local bar, these last two years. Look, if you are horny, need some fun, it is a great way to approach it. Others, like me, enjoy chatting it up at the bar. In seconds I can tell if there is chemistry or not. But I am looking for more than a romp on my cum stained mattress. Can get that 24/7 here in West Hollywood.

This reminds me of my friend who has the philosophy that he will approach and ask everyone he is remotely interested in for their name and number. He told me once "If I get numbers from 5% of all the people I ask (and this is a low percentage) and I ask 20 people a night for their number, I get a new number every night." He would ask every guy, gay or straight, for their numbers. He would get the numbers of both gay and straight. He travelled a great deal for business and he had names and numbers of guys he could call for company in every town. I have tried to copy this and I found that the biggest obstacle to getting someone's number is me not them. My fear not their disinterest in meeting you.

It's funny, but I just complimented another guy on his smiling profile picture, and we agreed:
"Smiles=more open zippers, right? win/win."

I believe in being very up-front about my interest. Do I get rejected? Of course... but there are other times I end up being *very* thankful I spoke up... ;)

Happens to me all the time, in fact my current partner and I have went back in our memories to two different "missed connections" between us; 6 or so years before we met online lol. So you never know what the future holds. These days I at least make sure to say some thing like a How ya doin' or Excuse me if in tight quaters like theatre seating. You can normally tell from their reply if they would play. It's in the eyes and tone of voice. As a man you can tell when a man's horny it's weather or not you do anything about it :-P

I think you've hit on something that strikes a chord in most of us. I have had several missed connections due to fear of being rejected. There have been several guys with whom I've wanted to chat but was afraid of making the first move. Just this past Friday, I was at a local hotspot in Palm Springs. Despite the fact there was limited space to move freely, my fear just would not move me to join in the adjacent conversation. As I reflect over the years, I see I have missed out on some great conversations and social connections because of my reticence. After reading this blog, today is a new day.

Having loved and lost it is better to have met and loved and lost. You will never forget the better ones no matter how the breakup went. In a wonderful relationship now I wouldn't be in had I not been 'let go' for whatever reason. We are building a new and better relationship day by day. If you don't speak up you will NEVER know! My two bits worth, you know, inflation from two cents...... LOL

As an older gay man that went throught the internet-less age and had to make a personal effort to meet people. I agree with a lot of the responses here. I rather go out and introduce myself and get rejected than to go online and go through the whole dreaded internet thing.. "how old are the pictures?" "is this guy for real?", etc...

In public or at a bar...I rather make the move and meet someone face to face and take it from there. I have encountered so many great looking guys that have nothing to offer but a shell ( hey..if looking for a good time sure takes care of that). If I am looking for something more, striking a conversation with the average Joe seems to work best. I know there are extremely great looking guys out there that are very shy, but for the most part they are so involved with their muscles and looks that arrogance takes away from anything they might have to offer.

I used to be extremely shy and worried about my looks and age, but a friend made me realize that I am better than no one out there yet no one is better than me. Take a bold leap of faith and drop a friendly hello next time you are out in public...AND dang it....smile....a smile can open sooo many doors...

Thanks to all of you for your wise and insightful comments. Having reached my late 50's, I can relate to all of your experiences of being shy and reticent about making introductions and first moves when younger and more active in the bar scene. Alas, I still think about some of the hotties from years ago that I let get away. Nobody;s fault but mine. Through working in sales and holding office in several organizations where I am forced to be genuine and open in helping to resolve problems or issues that come up and trying hard to close deals, I have overcome a lot of fear of making connections on a personal level. Too bad it took so long! If you're still under 40, and still a bit shy or reticent, justdo your best and seize the moment and SAY SOMETHING, and most of all, don't foget to SMILE! Even if you get rejected once or twice, don;t lose heart because you can pat yourself on the back and smile at yourself for having made an effort, and who knows, if anyone else is around, someone else may notice YOU and suddenly be attracted and make a move in your favor! Just a smile and some self-confidence are sexy and attractie in themselves and will put the spotlight on YOU even if it;s a dark and crowded place. So keep trying and most of all, keep on smiling!

I also enjoy reading the missed connections on craig's list and wonder how many actually hear back from their attractions. In my experience sometimes a smile is just a smile an acknowlegment of another person's smile or look. I can't tell you how many times I would be flirting away with a handsome man in the store where I was working and as he left and I was watching his sexy ass only to look into his wife/girlfriend's eyes as he climbed into his truck where she would begin to yell at him about me looking at him. I could tell by the look in his eyes when he would look back in at me he was totally oblivious to me and it just at that moment accored to him I was flirting with him. It seemed most kind of liked it, but a few were upset and if I hadn't been as large a man as I am might have had a scene on my hands. There was the time I had the cable man in my appartment working on my cable(how many porn stories have we all read that began with I was waiting on the cable man/repairman/etc.)here I must mention I had several gay porn movies right by the tv as well a big poster over the sofa that started with the phrase "Why I am gay". He was an attractive man and when he was finished and asked three times if there was anything else he could help me with or needed so I told him I would like to have sex with him and give him the best blow job he ever had. Well he got very flustered and began to explain he was straight and didn't have anything against me being gay, but he was not interested. Later I figured out he was wanting me to offer him some money to hook me up with like HBO for free. LOL! Just sharing sorry to ramble.

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Although this far from the ideal way to get round shyness when wanting to go up and approach guys, isn't that where the grope function say on this site comes in handy? Still letting someone know you like them without having to actually come up with something physically to say initally. Then the ice is broken if they respond. Also Gay Bath Houses (wouldn't recommend public cruising though). I know people may not be neccessarily be on the lookout for just sex all of the time, but still good ice breakers just to establish their interest which is the most important thing, then its all plain sailing from there if they are :-)

I must admit thinking about this carefully although I have probably a very healthy and active sex life and not be inhibited in chatting guys up, one thing I am guilty of is ever trying to achieve what I'd consider guys who are 'above my station'. I've knocked some stunning lads back because i hve not been able to mentally comprehend why they would say message me, which is probably even worse in a lot of ways. People see my pictures and think I must ooze confidence but they couldn't be more wrong. What I have found quite annoying is some of the nasty people who comment in these forums always trying to put up a fight and others down. That kind of stuff doesn't do anyones morale or self esteem any good.