You Know That Guy You're Dating...

February 3, 2011

Has this ever happened to you? You meet a guy, go on a date or two, and as soon people get wind of it they can't wait to offer up any kind of dirt, deets and/or stories about the man you just met less than 5 metaphorical minutes ago. Effectively clouding your mind for the remainder of your dates. We all know it's a small gay world out there, but just once it'd be nice to be given the chance to form my own opinions about my date before the peanut gallery chimes in. It's getting to the point, where I sometimes feel the need to keep up Bond-esque levels of secrecy about the guys I date, even amongst friends.

Friends, for the most part, are generally looking out for your best interest, but the acquaintances and mutual friends, they're the ones who masquerade as being helpful and end up doing more harm than good. Now I don't mean to say that all gay men are catty bitches, because they're not, it's just that we live in an age where everyone feel entitled to give their own running commentary on life and most of the time it's unwarranted and unwelcome.

I've actually been wondering as of late if a person's dating past is even worth knowing. Wherever that person is when they meet you, that is where your story, be it short, epic, or in between, should begin. Or is it better to study their history and learn how they came to be so that you can identify red flags that we may ultimately ignore?

I long for a day when the mystery of the person I'm dating is mine, and mine alone, to find out. We're so quick to google and facebook stalk that we know more before the first date than we would if we'd been dating for a few months. I miss the exhilarating process of getting to know someone, date by date, piece by piece. Any while we're bound to make some mistakes in judgment, they help sharpen and fine-tune our senses for whoever's next. It's part of the process and part of the fun.

What do you think? Should we go in with a clean slate or is getting intel from friends and the interwebs the safer bet?

Tags: Relationships, dating, friends, gossip
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Post written by RobHeartsDH (View Author Profile)
About this author: Rob lives in Manhattan with his black pug Riley. When he’s not thinking about daddies, he enjoys writing, eating burritos, watching copious amounts of television, and thinking about his next meal.
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Comments

I just can speak for myself. Twenty five years ago when I met my actual bf all his friends told him that i was not the right guy for him. It seems that I was not enough rich, or enough smart or even that I didn't belong to his same social class. Twenty five years later we are still happily living together. The journey has been amazing. Whatever I was not, he helped me to be and whatever he was not I helped him to become. Did the friends of my bf have good intentions? It is difficult to know but the road to hell is paved with good intentions... In any case, thanks to god he didn't listen to his friends.
F

Unfortunately there aren't many guys like you that appreciate what your lover did for you and how he treated you. I was like your lover, I helped my ex in every way possible, but his friends were always more important than family or partner, and they destroyed our relationship.
He still defends them to this day, and the realization that my ex never really loved me or figured out what he wanted in life honestly was a big awakening. I was married to an evil man that I have seen hurt people motivated by his friendships.

Friends are friends, family are family, partner is supposed to be a part of you.
Glad you and your loved one know this and practiced this for a successful 25 years.
I fortunately got off the road to hell and have a good life now.

One more thing, A wise line needs to be drawn since users and players play this card of silence to be successful at hurting guys. I didn't do that and got burned while he's out there covering up what he really is with multiple and varied lies, and looking for his next victim.

Bear9460

This is what happens when we have numerous encounters.

My issue is with the vast majority of gay men who end up sleeping with their friends' lovers. Has happened to me many times and yes, I do believe there are more gay men who would go ahead and do that than stop and figure that it is wrong. There are those who just happen to get turned on by their friends' dates. When it happens once or twice, it's understandable, but then there are some "friends" who always seem to hang around more when I'm dating a good looking man (or have one in my home - relative). These people are treating me as a pimp and i have no use for them. And finally there are the ones who make it their hobby to sabotage people's relationships. These I really find despicable. I must admit I'm not blameless. I've lusted after friends' boyfriends, but I do usually stop and think about the consequences of flirting or actually sleeping with them.

Pretty simple, jealous bitches talk. I don't rely on other peoples opinion to determine who I date. If I did I would not have had a great 18 year relation with a great person that everyone told me to run away from. Although the relationship has moved on we are still great freinds.

Just my opinion man.

Its true that you can tell a lot by the company someone keeps. If we drink and say "cum on over beetch" then the resulting dating drama is no surprise. Some beetchs are very good people though so theres no stereotype for sure.

A "true" friend will support you in your decisions... acquaintances won't care about the outcome of the situation unless it's convenient (or not) to their desires. If you let just anyone ruin your possibilities... then you're the deserving fool!!

need a kool dude to spend my life with

Blog mentions that perhaps a guys dating past is not worth knowing. For the most part it serves no purpose to know about a guys dating past if they are simply bouncing along with the dating game and they likely don't even remember all the names. Those who don't need a real friend will do just fine for a period of time till the days of being a one man band fly by. I've never done the whole public drinking and smoking social thing. An establishment that covers the windows and serves alcohol is not going to lead to any long lasting friendships but its fine for those who are into that.

My late companion (cancer took him from me in 2006) were together for many years - most of our adult lives, as a matter of fact. We met in a bar. All the cliches were present: meet cute in a bar, all friends hurling negative comments our way. "He's just a drunk. It'll never work out." "He'll leave you in a month. What are you thinking?!" "He's never been in a relationship. He's not relationship material." We were stubborn and dismissive of our friends' reactions and commentary (and yes, he was a drunk and I was high maintenance), and we were happy (not every day, of course) for years. "Never say never" is the lesson, I guess. And don't be afraid to take the plunge. My current sometimes bf, however, is probably one about whom I should have listened to my friends. LOL!

I trust but verify. If someone tells me something about someone I'm dating, I consider the source. Is this information from an ex- of mine who simply doesn't want me to move on? Has this person given me misinformation in the past?

But sometimes you hear stuff "in stereo". Two people who don't even know each other tell you "I think that guy has a meth problem. He owes a lot of people money etc.". I might not break up with the guy right away but if I notice he acts strange or asks me for money, I connect the dots.

Sometimes people do know things that you would want to know. Other times it's okay to ask friends if they think you really need to know what they are telling you. I'm much more concerned about what my dates friends think about him than what my friends think about him. Hopefully his is more interested in what my friends think about me than in what they think of him.

i believe you should form your own opinion but always keep in mind what other people say. it is VERY rare that a person will change just for you. So, if more than one person say the same thing about one guy, most likely it is true.... like the old saying says " if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...."

i think we should be grown enough to make decision and make our judgments....but evaluate the source of the information.....

at the end you have to be honest with yourself.....a lot of men aren't....looking for "love" in the wrong places...

my 2 cents

It seems to be like this talk is cheep and every one is looking for so miney thing s in lifeand if you are still and watting on the right person i think in time he will come around you no as the world has said in its time talk is cheep and some will always have there input about whatever go on in some ones life or who?thay should date or not life has thought me if you do wrong you will pay in the end and if you do! right then you have nothing to worry about you dont miss the water till the will go,s dry so just do! what you think is best test the walters then jump in all the way butt if you think he or she is not right for you then back off in the end have some love still in your heart to be good friends and be forgiven for each other you no what go,s around comes around thank for asking my in put!

" Trust, but verify " does seem to be the watch words of the day. Not only of what your friends tell you about your date, but also what your date says about himself.

There've been a couple of times, in my past, when I truly wish I had listened more closely to what my friends have said about some of my BF's. It would've saved me a lot of money and extreme hardship.

"Long Distance Relationships"
I have been in long distance realtionship with my man since August of 2010. We knew each other in a previous life as far back as 2002. The moment I saw him I was hooked. Little did he realize that I have been sort of prowling about from time to time seeing what he is up to and wondering if he will be ever be free from his marriage. Though when I heard he had gotten married... I was crushed. I had been with my partner "C", up until 2008. 17 years of wonderful and understanding. Then the day came where HE and I, just sat down and discovered that we had grown into best friends and that the sex was no longer working for us and the worst part of this was that our hearts had changed. Shame and a Pity cause he was a great fuck and a great lover too. I was the methed up train wreck!

So I Moved from 25 yrs of SFCA and moved to VA. UGH What was I thinking?
Though I stumbled into yet a short term affair with a man who I idolize, and I have a great amount of respect for. If it were not for his seeing the things in me that I couldn't see in myself, then I would not be as I am and understand that I am a wonderful man with many gifts to offer. Thank You Andy! You opened my eyes up to many things that I couldn't bring myself to under stand and thank yourself for having that courage to show me. Again "Train Wreck Willy Strykes Again"

Now, I am currently with Montreal Bear Man. Thats not his name or his profile so don't go looking for it. We'll just call him Nicko! Who is now the "love of my life". There is no questioning my love for this man cause I am still in awe and in love with this man for I have been for a very long time. Now the issue I have is and always been trust. I grew up in a shitty household and every relationship I have been has known up front about my trust issues and where they stem from which usually comes up infidelity from my past family history. Enough said on that subject. <tears>

WE had talked about making new friends and a few fuck buddies along the way, cause we both don't have many friends to speak of: usually most who want to meet us want in our pants and thats about it. A big dick can sway the mind. There is something odd about it at the same time flattering? I dunno... I do not question my love for him and visa versa but I do question the intent of "others". I know this because I created ulterior motives, for saying one thing and meaning or getting someone to believe my intentions over what they expect. Pretty crafty eh? I also know how to pull the truth out of anyone by just allowing the other person to offer information without me even asking for it or batting an eyelash. Another tactic I call: When the lie meets the truth. It's an old trick from living that side walk talk and dealing drugs which I did a long time ago, like back in the 80's? This all falls under the category of deception. And this is who I am not to day.

Today I find myself wanting to trust but, when I am only given half a story then I lead to believe
what I fear...Theres nothing in this world that anyone can say to me that I haven't heard a million times over and over... i've been there and wrote the book on most of it. But I find myself in unfamiliar territory with this one. I have never had a Long Distance relationship before, so I find myself feeling a little uncomfortable and asking questions to people who we both know about this sort of thing. But I have to know where I stand in all of this?

Reputation is important..but many guys seem to forget that!!!!

I know guys that can give me the 411 on just about every man in the bar/club...

Trust me you can not hide the truth.

My reputation is that I am a nice guy! And still hang out with all the guys I have dated.

Is there some reason that DH thinks that it's ok to spam our email boxes with a "rehash" of the blogs of the week? Are we not adult enough to figure out what we want to read and don't without it being "force fed" into our mailboxes.

Send feedback to DH telling them to stop doing this. I've asked nicely like my mom taught me and their response was that it's a "small price to pay" and I told them it was unsolicited spam pure and simple. There is no way to opt-out (or opt-in as it really should be) for these communications.

Each one of the bloggers should also express their outrage at this blatant attempt at force feeding us stuff we probably don't want. Please join with me as a conscientious objector to this high-handed intrusion. Email support and tell them to stop the madness.

Well, I see this ending with the simplest solution.... Just delete the e-mail. No one states you MUST open it. Situation resolved!

I had a lot of people from all walks of life as we know it say we were not going to make it. Can't beleive you guys are together. He does not really suite you. Some of my friends some of his friends many guys we do not consider friends. Now we get "I can not believe you guys are such a great couple" and "you guys a such an inspiration to the gay community".
We have been together 9 years this coming May 1st. We have not lived in a bed of roses, however when all is said and done we are there for each other. All the green divas have been eliminated from our lives or at least held at bay. That has probably been one major reason for our success as a couple. My word is, once you find the person you want to be with, simply be with them and let the negative world fall away and embrace the positive one that awaits you both.

Can't really say I've been lucky with men in my life. About 95% of the men I've dated turned out to be liars who simply lacked the testicular fortitude to be honest. Thankfully most of these dates were not reoccurring so no one really had the chance to "offer up any kind of dirt".

I only have two gay friends and neither of them is into the gay scene so I can't relate to what other commenters are saying. In general, it's best if you take what your (real and close) friends' advice and opinion under consideration but end up making your own decisions independently.

We're not kids and deep down we know what's best for us and what's not. If it looks and sounds dodgy, it probably is!

And there's nothing wrong with being a bit secretive about this new guy you've met and announce his existence in your life whenever you feel like it. It's your life and you should be free to do whatever you damn please with it. :-)

Never quite been in the described situation. But I know to discover things from the source rather than the grapevine. Also, I trust my friends and will always take what they say seriously because they are true friends and quality people. If any of us felt the need to disclose any information, there would be a good reason for it. And that would be the end of that!

My thoughts on it are, i would like to go into it blind. And find stuff out about the guy myself, no outside knowledge. That way he has a fair chance to show me who he really is with out worrying about what people are telling me about him. And yes it may end up he is a total douche bag who is good at lieing, but all the same, next time i will know what to watch for. This is how i am handling things with the guy i am seeing right now, when i would tell friends who it was, I would say, "It's C****, But if you know anything about him, i dont want to hear it!" I guess i am just a glass half full kind of guy, so i always give people the benifit of the doubt.

Blog mentions that friends are generally looking out for your best interest. "Best of intentions" can result in a friendly perspective leading to misdirected concern where I have seen friends get together even after a lot of couch potato analysis from all sorts of family and friends warning them to not do what ends up being exactly what was good for them. 2 friends got gay married despite all the witty one-liner warnings and they been together for almost a decade now whether its legally recognized or not. Law changes with the winds of shifting bodies in offices where what is written today is then repealed tomorrow so just go with the instinct of what must be done. There are brotherhoods of good people who have been consistent for centuries and adapting to many cultures without being either religious or militant.

Honestly there are only a couple of people's opinion I would listen to.
Those few are ones I trust with my life and well being. Now with that being said just because I listen dosen't mean I will follow.
Unfortunately a lot of us get caught up in the moment and do let others cloud our decision's
and yes it has happened to me.
Life is what it is, I try to form my own opinions and do as I wish to be done to.

The biggest turn off early on, during the first few dates, is a guy who talks about his previous partner drama. It really should be all about you. And him. The two of you. A guy starts going on about his previous or asking about yours, I'd tell him let's focus on us, I prefer to look forward vs. back. There's also this: OK, I'm basically a redhead. A huge turn off is to find out that his past three BFs were redheads. So, I'm just another in a series. Same for, say, Black/Asian/Latino guys who find out their white BF only dates Black/Asian/Latino. So you're last BF was a redhead and I'm a redhead so are you into me because you're into ME or into redheads? So, ya, eyes forward, shoulders back, all smiles and hope for the best.

I fully identify with this article. I live in Belfast, and as much as it's classed as a city, everyone seems to know everyone elses' business. Which means that the gay scene is particularly close knit.
I have a circle of gay friends who I love. There's a but on the way. BUUUUT, as much as I love them I sometimes feel as if they're out to sabotage each other, and me. On several occasions (many, I really have tried) whenever I take up with a new man, I tend to keep it hush hush for 2-3 weeks. And then I tell my friends. And that's where it all goes wrong. There's about 10 of us, if you class their partners as friends too (most of them bar 2 others and me are in a relationship). And as sure as a pussy's a cat one of them will tell me a story from eons ago about whichever person I'm seeing at the time, or one of them forms a judgement about my "guy on the go" which is taken up by the rest.
The odd thing is, most of these people have been with one another on some level in the past (did I mention all bar 2 of them and me are in a relationship????), it's very [filtered word]ous in a way. And on further examining this, I realise that the only ones from this circle who don't tell tales or pass judgements are the other 2 single people. Which could mean any number of things such as -

do these friends really want to see me happy, or do they prefer to see me alone?
do they live vicariously through my "single guy" exploits?
is it a case of singles vs couples, and if so, what is the prize and what are the rules?
or is it simply a case of such a small gay scene and a bunch of "friends" with bugger all else to do than go round spreading noxious stories?

It's situations like this that make me love my cat even more!!

PS, any advice greatly welcomed!

i had the probably, i got with a guy who his friends seemed cool. i didnt know anyone, but him and his friends. I became friends with one who ended up telling me he is a heart breaker, he broke his heart, i appeared out of no where and they were just sex but he felt it was love. he had water works and all and told me not to say anything. i didnt he kept feeding me things about they slept together recently (at the time) and this then tried to make a move on me. i blew him of and went to confront my b/f It ends up he lied and always wanted to get with him but never have. when i asked him why he did such a thing he said he thought we were a better fit for each other. basically, you'll have alot of people hating on the fact youre with whom ever, you should believe what your other says but honestly its hard when you have negative thoughts floating around in the back of your head but its for you to decide whats best.

I listen to my friends. Then I make a decision. You can do more with information than you can without it. Then I don't have friends who would intentionally harpoon a relationship. My friends are very supportive. That is why I know if I'm getting a warning from one of them. It's something I should pay attention to.

I think this has never bothered me. I always get discussions about me because i like older guys and i am fairly young so every time i sort of start seeing someone they start talking it's all for money or there is something that i am hiding and things like that. Lucky enough i found the right man and we are married now :))) but i will still defend to this point anybody younger who is interested in an older guy. I mean... yeah... there are the occasional " waste of times " .... you know what i mean..... but don't we get these in EVERY relationship, be it STRAIGHT or GAY ?!

Once again it doesnt matter what anyone thinks beyond what you and the special daddy are feeling for sure. Im happy to have good friends who have good reputations in the community while always on the lookout for an LTR beyond being best friends to some bossy friends who have been boss's for decades. Just go for it. In many cases the best friends stick with you forever while the LTR's come and go do to various issues that many times are not the big issues that folks think sometimes. I hope everyone has a good time in whatever they are up to and seeking and so forth.

im surprised that this is even a topic........if your friends are dish oriented dont bother w/them.........i believe in having friends where you talk bout substantial things..not who'se who and the latest fad or vacation spot or next party. If you are concerned w/all that bullshit youll have problems...think for yourself buds..
I think if you meet a guy who is TROUBLE..then fine your friends can have some input ..but use youre own good sense and figure it out for yourself..ask open ended questions of your new man and go from there....its your time to grow .........Bob

I would like to know about the misleading line "In an Open Relationship".

Just what does that mean? Does it mean the current relationship you are in is in 'trouble'?
Or does it mean that one is really committed to the one they call a partner?

I see more and more of the "In an Open Relationship" line in a profile, and when I do I can't close the Profile fast enough. Where have values and morals gone, within some parts of the Gay Community. Is that of being monogamous, no longer a value?

Most recently I ran into a couple of many years now in an "Open Relationship". Only thing was that the one that contacted me never told me he had a long term partner/ But it makes me wonder, why does one go looking for others, only to in the end grow that disappointment when the revelations are made? I think in some ways, that it is egotistical to masquerade as some do, rather than be upfront and honest in the first place.

I then love the next line "I didn't mean to hurt you" and that one sends me over the edge. Of course it becomes quite self relevant that they had no feelings in the first place, or perhaps they really just didn't care.

So when one does begin to date a new guy, perhaps trusted friends do have a great value in sharing with you that which they know.... not as tidbits of gossip.... but rather a sincere caring for you. If someone had done that for me, I would have saved a lot of shattered feelings and a perhaps not be left with that sense of failure and being used by another.

Jeff

For me, I had a serious eye towards dating and got rejected a lot or else had the guy more interested in the waiter than in me. I had a lot of one night stands with those i regret and those I wished i had glued to the wall so they never left.

I have had many who have been repulsed by my honesty but so be it. When some asked why I was so busy, I said because many will be stunned I am not involved then not put forth the effort to pursue anything. It almost seems like they like to float aimlessly looking for their next trick while complaining they are alone