When is a Cuddle More Than a Kiss?

September 29, 2010

I'm laying in bed with my little black pug curled up against me. He's big on cuddling, just like his daddy. But on this particular night, while he's satisfied nestling in between my calf and thigh, I'm longing for something a bit more intimate and a bit more human.

This year, I took a trip with a guy I dated last summer to visit some college friends and attend a wedding. And while it was clear that we were both just friends before our long weekend began, things got complicated as the vacation progressed (don't they always). You see, we ended up sharing a bed which at first glance shouldn't have been problematic, sharing a bed with a friend isn't hard to do. The problem arose though when upon getting into bed that night he grabbed me and got with the cuddling. As noted earlier, I love a good cuddle. There's something about being wrapped in someone's arms (and vice versa) that feels so natural and safe and soothing. Cuddling can get tricky though, because on the one hand it's an innocent practice, but there's also an intimacy to the act that many overlook.

We continued cuddling for the remainder of the trip each night. I'd be lying if I said old feelings didn't make their way to the surface on both of our parts, as cuddling turned into hand holding in front of friends - for the record: also initiated by him. On the last night I asked for a cuddle and a kiss. And as we lay their wrapped in each other's arm, he replied to the kiss query with, "are you sure that's a good idea?" To which I responded incredulously, "do you think THIS is a good idea?" referring to our underwear-clad bodies being pressed together as we lay locked in a full body embrace. "Yeah, but that's just cuddling," he said.

At the end of the day different acts means different things to different people, and clearly we were not on the same page.

Everyone's got their hierarchy of intimacy, so I guess my question is this, is a cuddle more intimate than a kiss? Is a kiss more intimate than a fuck? Some people will fuck but won't kiss and some people will kiss but won't fuck.

Let's take a poll and see what the general consensus is in the comments below.

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Tags: Intimacy
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Post written by RobHeartsDH (View Author Profile)
About this author: Rob lives in Manhattan with his black pug Riley. When he’s not thinking about daddies, he enjoys writing, eating burritos, watching copious amounts of television, and thinking about his next meal.
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A Cuddle to me is always followed by a series of kisses..from soft tender butterfly kisses to Hot Wet Passionate ones. And if you don't Kiss I Don't Fuck .
So if you don't want to play don't cuddle, just give a friendly hug or embrace. And if you are not going to kiss forget the fuck...If you just want a fuck ..go to the Book Store..Sex Club..or find a Glory Hole

Some men are more comfortable with sex than intimacy. Intimacy to some men is like Kryptonite. It requires vulnerability. A kind of "into me see". The fact that your ex and you shared that once before may have intimidated him. While I don't know the "ins and outs" of your relationship and can't speculate on someone I don't know, that would be my guess.
I always say if I wanted to just get off, I would choose a video. At least then, my fantasy would be fulfilled!

My feelings exactly. I can't just cuddle IN BED and not have feelings aroused.... and I LOVE to spoon !!

I agree....one cannot cuddle in bed without any arousal.....I have found some guys are very uneasy when it comes to showing their emotions and intamacy....and I LOVE to be spooned.. :-)

Good question. Most every time two men are cuddling it is an intimate position to be in and asking for a kiss would not be at all out of the question, unless the other guy set up limits before the cuddling began. If he did set limits prior, then I personally would not go further than a meaningful hug as cuddling to me is a very sensual, intimate act and I would start responding sexually without even trying.

Wow thats a complicated one for me too i can get wild and naughty with guys and even kiss and wont feel so vulnerable and God i hate to admit it needy,clingy ugh you get the pic, but i guess in my case cuddling is very intimate its something that i can only share with a guy im dating thats a potential bf for the most part lol. i had to push guys to the end of the bed or move myself(call me sensitive wateva) because it makes me feel like i want more and they cant offer it so therefore i become kinda vulnerable i dont know if that makes sense but thats my two cents .lol ;p

i used to sleep with a friend, just sleeping and we would cuddle but never kissing, we didnt want each other that way. kissing is way more initmate, more than sex, more than cuddling. kissing is too special for me (and im too good, lol) to do with anyone, has to be someone i have talked to and got to like. but as someone single, vivre le cellibacy (im actually crying) the best is sleeping with my little dog, he's curled in arms and my chin is on his head and we snore together! golly my life is over! lol -x-

Cuddling for me can be more about human comfort than anything else. I like the feeling of closeness...the security...it's like a hug. I would cuddle with men I'm close to in life...but I wouldn't always kiss those same men.

BUT that being said, cuddling also leads to much more sometimes...and even though I start with good intentions, a cuddle can turn into touching...then more touching...then kissing...etc...

My straight friend is a big cuddler and we slept together and cuddled during a week road trip years ago, I knew he was big on that, so I took it as it was, just cuddling,...there were the usual erections from his part and the subsecuent erection on my part and we just left it there as part of what happens when you cuddle, did I asked about his package against me, yes!, but his response was "it always happens, don't get ideas!"....according to him, he likes it cuz I'm smaller than him and my hair smells really good,....now, grabbing me by my lower abdomen and pubic area was the big surprise!!,...but he never went south to the pole,...not even 1/2 an inch close to it,...not even by mistake!,.....thank God!,.....cuz I really don't fancy him at all.....but it was very nice to sleep and cuddle with him,...wouldn't mind dating a cuddler at all...

I think going from cuddling to a kiss is not much of a leap. I'm not big on kissing, more than a friendly smooch, unless I am really serious about the person. I find intense kissing very intimate.

As far as the cuddling with a straight friend goes, I don't think the friend is straight ESPECIALLY with erections. Are you kidding? I can't imagine cuddling with any straight friend of mine. And if he gets an erection and touches me close to 'there' I would not believe that he is straight. Erecitons mean arousal and arousal means, well you know.

No kiss no fuck --thats my rule. I think a kiss is the most intimate thing one can do, for you look into his with eyes with your eyes and see his soul. Frankly you can fuck someone and never see their face--it becomes all about the plumbing and not the person.

I don't kiss everybody, but I do fuck everybody. I agree kissing is the most intimate thing. I am very romantic and kissing a part of being romantic. I can't get romantic with everyone I meet. If that feeling comes up I will kiss, it has to be someone special.

This is something that will be totally understood by the cuddly Teddy Bears involved when it occurs and could never be understood in literary format by the mass's because everyone's different for sure.

Cuddling, to me, is the first step into something more intimate, especially when erections come into play (no pun intended). The acceptance of cuddling by either party is really an invitation to that intimacy; therefore, at the first instance I certainly would determine, by asking, as to what exactly are the intentions. I would find it extremely sexually frustrating to be "just cuddling." Perhaps the solution is to buy a Teddy Bear for the bed mate to cuddle with and then sleep separately back to back in the same bed during the vacation period.

In my case, there was only a grope. And then there was nothing. Do some men only prefer the fun of groping than send message and talk? I think this is a serious issue. It's either you have accidentally hit the button or just want to prove that you are an a hole. Either way, you are an a hole for only groping and not speaking at all.

While in this case, it's comprehensible that some do not feel comfortable with the idea of kissing compared to the cuddling or even the fucking. But, that should be the case of fucking a whore or cuddling your dog (I, for one, don't like kissing any dog).
It is more generally conceived that if you like a guy & you cuddle with him, that could lead into something more sexual than simply a cuddle. So, do yourself a favor, and kick your own head if the This-is-just-a-cuddle thought ever crossed your mind.

Cuddling between to men, I feel can/will lead to more. Cuddline and kissing are in the same boat for me. I also think that if two single men can hold each other through the night,it just validates that there's some sort of compatability amongst them. I don't feel that it's inappropriate to ask for a kiss while cuddling, why not? You've gone that far! The erections WILL happen and since you there, well you know the rest. Just be aware that the intimate thing that happens during the night, might not be the same during the day or if you are out and about. I too believe that it's very sensual and hot, and why not! Just make sure you understand the rules!

I could probably cuddle with a guy that turns me on, and go no further if we reached that agreement first. It would be an effort tho...and probably frustrating, for I find cuddling very sensual and love it as part of a good sexual encounter.

Same thing with kissing....tell me up front you aren't into kissing & I'll take that into consideration when deciding whether I'm going to have sex with you. Sex without kissing is much less satisfying to me. As far as I'm concerned, it removes the warmth and emotional bond that I really value...we're just using each other's body for sexual release...way too impersonal. Kissing really "stokes the furnace" for me.

Cuddling & kissing = the foundation of a very satisfying sexual experience. I agree with those who have said that if they only want to get off, they might as well watch porn, go to a video store, glory hole, sex club, etc. Give me a guy who wants to make love & have an orgasm in the process.

Kissing is much more intimate than an a cuddle. And a cuddle is more intimate than a fuck. A fuck is a fuck... Now putting it all together into making love--- BINGO!

If you are not going to kiss, cuddle and more don't be crawlin in my bed :)

I have always considered kissing and cuddling more intimate than sex.

Are you kidding? How can cuddling be not intimate? If you are not intimate enough to kiss, then don't cuddle either.

to lie=to rest, as in, I was lying in bed.
to lay=to place, as in, I love to lay my head on my lover's furry chest when we lie in bed.

Confusion arises in part because the past tense of lie is lay, as in, I lay in the sun three hours.
The past tense of lay is laid, as in, Someone laid a dead fish on my towel while I lay in the sun yesterday.

10 points and a gold star to anyone who can give the participial form of “lie“ in the sense of ”rest.“
He has ________ in bed all week with a fever.



A gold star and 10 points for you!

He has Lain in bed all week with a fever...All Hot with Fever trying to recover from all the cuddling that resulted in Passionate Kissing and that Never Ending Fuck

Cuddling rocks. I can pick up a fucktrick any time, but having someone you like enough to just be with is special. These people on 24/7 constantly trolling for sex are obviously missing real intimacy.
I've had the most satisfying cuddles with a straight friend, because that's all it is. It doesn't hurt that he's a 6'3" 220 lb hairy god, but the fact that he hasn't let stupid American "isms" about what's appropriate for men and what's not ruin our special friendship. I get a kiss on the top of my head or neck and a squeeze from him both upon greeting and parting ways.

That's just one situation. It's really a loaded question because everyone has different comfort levels and assigns different priorities to different intimate activities. As adults, it's up to the individual to decide what they like and what to share or not with other people. The definitions of relationships are too broad to assign a this-is-more-intimate-than-that to an act, especially when acts such as a kiss have different intensity levels, physically and emotionally, for different people.

Twice now, I've made passionate, multi-orgasm, all night love with my very straight biological father (who I didn't meet until adulthood). After the loss of his wife and finding out about me within a month of that, eventually comforting and companionship and the getting to know his grown son led to gentle cuddling, and then the sweetest, most tender intimacy I've ever experienced. Not hetero bang-one-out (bang 3 or 4 out) because -it's-a-warm-hole straight on gay sex, but actual love making, a phrase I don't use lightly.
Now how do you put a label on something like that? In this case, I think because he's straight, the kissing was the more intimate act. The cuddling happens frequently, usually involves facial and neck kissing, the fucking's happened twice, and only one of those times involved any oral sex.
I can't believe I'm telling the world this. I might as well spill the details. the first night we screwed, he came in me four times (two of them in the same penetration). The second time, three.
Yes, I let him shoot it in me.
Yes, it was the probably best sex I've ever had.
No, I didn't seduce him.
I think he just needed someone to love and in our unique situation, felt he needed to punctuate it in a way he could express in a manner he thought I would understand. This just as much as I wanted him to enable him to express it and wanted to accept it. He's my best friend now.

Short version; there's no real way you can assign a value to a "kiss" or a "cuddle." They're open ended expressions and each person and situation is unique.

I just got back from a 2 week vacation with a friend from Russia, it was our first meeting although we have talked for years on line. We started our vacation in separate beds and quickly ended up in the same bed. He did set limits but allowed me to hold him in my arms every night, and I did get to kiss him. He set the limits because he was afraid sex would cause our friendship to erode, and I think he is right. After being together clubbing in Vegas, Chicago and Detroit we have developed a very strong friendship, and honestly a deep love for each other. He has gone back to Russia but has planned another trip to see me in March 2011, clubbing in NY, Atlantic City and Miami. Yes he was right, sex would have destroyed our depth of feelings for one another and consequently for the continued friendship. I hope your encounter will turn out as well as mine seems to be.

I would have nipped that in the bud from the get go, when he 1st layed his arm over you. I would have said to him are you sure you want to do that and talked about it then and there.
I am a live and let live person. I am very sensual and do not have issues with having sex and enjoying it just for the sake of it. Cuddling is a paliminary to sex in most peoples book as is kissing.
I personally do not like to kiss someone, unless love is envovled. Strangly I can blow or be blown and not associate love in that act. I feel putting my mouth to anothers mouth envovles such an intimate feeling it is too much unless you are very very close emotionally.
But all of us are different, as are all the comments to your questions.

You make a good point. One man's cuddling is another man's intimacy. My own thought is that cuddling is definitely intimate, but kissing is a whole lot more so. When you greet a friend -- at least an Italian or Jewish one -- there's a clinch of varying length. But the accompanying kiss may merely be a peck on the cheek or lips. These are very different from a cuddle in bed with a "friend," and extremely different from a wet and protracted kiss. Now, that should be reserved for truly intimate moments between those who are more than friends.

A cuddle is a cuddle. A kiss is a kiss. If I meet someone and he doesn't want sex but just wants to cuddle, I have no problem with that. But he'd better be ready to kiss. I've met guys whose told me a variety of what they'd do - kiss but won't fuck or suck or suck but no fuck or kiss, etc. I even met a guy who said after sex he doesn't want to be touched - period! That nutcase definitely had committment problems. If I met a guy who said he just wants to kiss all night, no argument here. I'd rather wake up with sore lips then a damaged ego. Not that I have an ego.

Some aspects of American culture have hangups with romantic things (kissing, spooning, cuddling) that are no big deal in Europe and elsewhere. Gay marriage is accepted in a ton of countries now too.

If I ever found my prince and fd he gave someone a kiss i would live but if I fd he cuddle someone he would not live. I love to cuddle and it is a physically arousing experience to me as well as emotionally satisfing. I would forgive a blow job(NOT) easier than a cuddle. If a guy is all that but hates to cuddle and kiss then he is not for me . If married and my man lost his ability to preform I would remain faithful so long as he never stopped holding me .

I cuddle with my dog, but I wouldn't kiss or fuck him (and he isn't interested either).
I fuck my buddy, but cuddling makes him uneasy and kissing is out of the question for both of us.
I had a "straight" boyfriend (I don't know what label he'd put on me) who was a passionate kisser and a great fuck (bottom), but cuddling was too intimate for him.

What a pretty article! that's the question? to be or not to be... I guees cuddling, kissing and fucking, they're part of all of it... And when someone dont's do everything of it, is due to they are not interesting in growing something meaningful, there are people who dont like to kiss but fuck, others dont like to fuck but kiss... So it depends on what each one of us are looking for. It can goes from something unmeaningful to something really meaningful. What a beautiful thing would be to have all of it in one... I mean kissing, cuddling and fuck (making love) as I think a kiss is the greatest expression of love and affection. Period. :) Love 2 all - Greetings for all -

This is straight nature wheather man or woman if there is chemestry
it all falls into place if either partner is not satisfied with all parts of intamacy you really have to look at your self and what you want
you cant make all race horses chapions what are you willing to
setltle for <DONT> there is some one out there that wants the same thing as you do be honest with your self then you ca convey
what you want and if you are real patiant you will get what your looking for and you dont have to be a muscle stud to get it have respect for your self and you will draw people to you

Good luck

I believe for straight and gay there are different meanings to kissing, cuddling and having intercourse. My girlfriends in college would always tell me about spending the night with a guy they would be hanging out and just cuddling. No kissing, no sex. Kissing is the one act I believe can connect people the most and it also means you have feelings for one another.
I have the spent a weekend with a ex-bf before, we were both visiting the same friends, and we cuddled, but i didn't kiss him. Because for me that would mean I still have feelings for him and I wanted to get back together. Therefore I believe kissing is more intimate than cuddling. Cause you can walk from cuddling and not think too much of it. However you will never forget a good kiss.

You know this is a really tough subject to analyze. But it shouldn't be...
Personally I LOVE intimacy. Sex is great. But when it involves two men AND sexual intimacy it can be a recipe for disaster... emotionally speaking.
Here are some thoughts in random order so bare with me...
Sex with a man can be good if its just the act to get off and you both agree to just that as consenting adults. Most men can separate sex and any emotional ties.
But intimate acts like french kissing & cuddling involve making yourself vulnerable to be accepted by another individual. We as a human race have become so stand-offish to touching accept by the right people or people we allow to touch us. I mean we have sexual harassment laws, stalking laws but yet we are so scared to be touched. I saw once on tv , a report. that people were so lonely or feeling disconnected from other people that they would organize cuddling parties?? Just for the fact of creating intimacy.
Some people like their own personal space and dont like for it to be invaded by touchy-feely people who like to hug when greeting you ( You know who you are out there). I dont blame you I can be the same way. Sometimes because of work I am encouraged to not hug as a greeting. But my latin heritage is all about the hug & kiss on the cheek as a greeting... so I must follow along LOL
I think that stems from how one might have been raised. My mom was always hugging and kissing me or when greeting people. I guess thats why when people greet me like that I like it it reminds me of her. She was always very touchy which I have come to appreciate with age. Hand holding is sweet but only in the appropriate places if you feel comfortable with public displays of affection and the arm across the shoulders, or driving while holding hands... (my fave)
I remember I dated a guy who for now many reasons, unbeknownst by me at the time, was scared to kiss me but he would let me cuddle with him? Go figure... I was his first boyfriend. Major intimacy issues there!! But now if a man doesn't do either its a deal-breaker!! I guess it has to be about the vulnerablity issue and the safety issue... I feel safer being spooned by the right person. But I have been spooned by the wrong person because we hadnt developed that trust yet and I wasn't comfortable lying in their arms that night. I dont think I slept a wink that night and couldn't get out of there fast enough in the morning. At the time for me anyway, it was about just the sex well with him , and I was very young...
Having great sex tho MUST involve the sexual act and the intimacy. The comfort, trust & satisfaction that you feel when you can be intimate with the right person, gay or straight after sex is so fulfilling. Later when that person feels different and things change and they feel different about you is the reason why it hurts to be rejected by them especially after having been intimate. Its about the confidence that the person you are with wont curl away from you and those feelings of familiarity. Also it means a lot that you are that comfortable to hold someone all night. Even after that relationship is over.
I know that hugging can lead to arousal (men)... especially with someone you have had that intimacy with, previously, but that needs to be discussed between the two of you and what that means for each of you or it will result in emotional complications and misread messages.
Ok sorry for all the random thoughts... but I hope you relate...

I agree. I mean, for the most part we are doing what we want to do. If people are establishing boundaries, then I guess there is no need for confusion. We all like to cuddle, but we also all know cuddling 9/10 times leads to other things.

After I've met people, figuring out my boundaries and where I will and will not go with them are established. Even if I end up in this situation, if I am not into that person beyond a friendship, there's no need to cuddle, even sleeping in the same bed. And of course if you are cuddling, it's like second nature to want to kiss. But like a lot of comments stated, it is on what the two decide. Some find sex more intimate than kissing, some can kiss and leave it at that. But it is an interesting topic.

It can be avoided, the question is moreso when the occasion arises, do you stick to your guns or give in???

good topic question :))


Obviously, a number of guys care...a lot of introspective sharing is taking place on this topic. So, if you "don't care", why have you bothered to read and post? In all caps, no less. Off hand comments that show little regard for others' thoughts/opinions tend to alienate people from you. If I started dating someone who made a habit of that, I'd quickly question what I was doing with the guy. It's a bit like a teenager showing immaturity by being quick to respond with "Whatever!"

Let's see....you're 49 years old and still making comments of a 12 year old. And you're looking for a "monogomous" relationship with no pic, but can't even spell the word even with spell check. I'm beginning to understand now.....

If a first visit is under the sheets with Teddy rather than a guest room then the potential for naughtiness is already accepted by both Teddys and therefore not an issue.

HALLO guys

Cuddling is always good. Kissing is more intimate and I only do that with guys I see more than once. Cuddling you can enjoy with friends, friends with benefits, or total strangers.

Don't get me wrong guys, sex is great, but there is something about holding a man in your arms and just enjoying the how he awakens your senses. The smell of his skin, the eight of his bulk against you, the rythim of his breathing,the way your eyes meet and you smile uncontrollably. I miss all that. We somehow have reduced ourselves to service animals. I heard an analogy i really liked so i'll share it. When you go to a department store to buy cologne you notice how most everyone tries the tester bottle to see if they like the product. You never, on the other hand see some one take the tester bottle to the clerk and say " I want this one please." With out fail they opt for the new, unopened bottle instead. I am the unopened bottle today, not the tester that gets passed around. Which will you be?

A good cuddle equals a good kiss, like it or leave. Bare arms and legs entwined around each other while a bare torso presses against a bare back or torso is as intimate as a kiss. Feeling the heat of each others bodies and hearing each others heart beat and breathing is as close as it gets to being sex.

I call bullshit on your friend's response. While I agree that everyone has different ideas of what qualifies as intimacy and what doesn't, I think your friend was being disingenuous pretending that holding hands in front of your friends is normal "friend" behavior! I suspect he has severe intimacy issues, and behaving like this allows him to safely give and receive intimacy without any kind of commitment. When the other person tries to take things further than his comfort level, he simply acts all surprised and makes them look like the fool. I've seen this too many times.

i always ask if a guy likes to kiss,never thought about cuddling - guess i"ll ad that to the list. I agree that both are emotionally statifing and more intimate than a quick suck or fuck. I love to kiss and cuddle, kissing is so wonderful, hope everyone can find someone to do it with.

Well...I seem to be in the minority here.

I like to cuddle....for maybe 10 or 15 minutes. After that, get off me. :) I just can't sleep with someone up against me! Maybe our bodies slightly touching, because the feeling of a man next to you is the best, but I don't feel like spending hours with my limbs wrapped around another body. And no, I don't have issues with intimacy. Just that cuddling is not my thing, although it obviously is for many.

Kissing is great. A hot mouth on a guy...wow. Sometimes making out can be (almost) better than great sex. Making out during sex is even better.

Hand-holding is nice. But. Guys who are into hand-holding constantly irritate me. If I like you, believe me, you'll know it. I can be extremely demonstrative with a guy I love in a million ways. But some guys who try to hold hands all the time, well, it just seems like they are insecure. Not always, of course, but the ones who want to make a show of it in front of others, as if they are laying claim to you...it just ends up feeling forced to me.

i love to cuddle so much!!!!!!!! my man loves it even more lol so we cuddle alot, does it turn to sex? no. i wish!!! lol no not always. My man is one of the rare few that loves to be cuddled all night long in bed, the tighter the better. I on the other hand can only handle it for a few minutes or a bit longer but if i fall asleep i dream of being trapped somewhere of buried underground, its horrible!!!
It took me so long to tell my wonderful man about this, i was so scared that he would shun me for it but I should have know better, he kissed me and hugged me and told me he was sad but he understood, he didnt want me feeling like i did. I cried of course lol I love him so much and i try to please him with as much cuddles as he can handle.
Soppy you think? yeah i am lol
We were laying in bed the other day and we just looked at each other, for like the longest time. We didnt touch or hold hands we just locked eyes, i saw deep into him and saw the most wonderful thing, I saw his love for me and i felt like crying so hard but all of a sudden tears started coming out of him, like he knew what i felt!!! I wiped his tears with my cheek and kissed him so tenderly still without saying a word.
we cuddled so much after that and had really great sex and just lay there in each others arms.
we are the cuddle kings i think lol :P