Uncut and Undone

July 30, 2009

Dear Kirk,

The guy I fell for this summer turned out to be an absolute disaster. For starters he is uncut and due to horrific past experiences of gay men who did not value cleanliness or had a fear of water, I vowed NEVER to be with someone who is uncut. This guy turns out to be one of the cleanest guys I have been with - cut or uncut for that matter. I kept forgetting how sensitive uncut men are and how fragile the loose skin can be. I am not sure if he felt I was being rough intentially or insensative to his needs. Not only did I feel like his trick every single time, but he made sure I did not perform any sensual acts of affection thus stating that he hates being tickled and that he finds it irritating. I was afraid to touch him let alone attempt to give him a blow job.

When I massaged him for the first time he lectured me on how to give a proper massage (I massage for a living). At times I made the mistake of asking him if he was ready for me to top him and his response would be, "Don't ask me - JUST TAKE IT !”

Needless to say we argued incessantly in the brief 2 months we were together that seemed like 5 years. I took care of him fiscally and he had the luxury of getting high, sleeping a lot, and being miserable. One of the main arguments is that he never felt the need to respond to any of my text messages or voice mails. He sucked at communication. I valued communication and he valued sex and porn. We partied hard with Tina and GHB.

I guess my question to you is when does one know when to get out of a relationship when things are not going so well? When the two people are psychologically dependent upon each other in terms of companionship and when I become so lonely and miserable with him and without him. I am trying to put closure to this relationship. I feel in my heart that we'll always be friends but this was such a bad experience for me. He is also the only man who has cried to me on so many occasions during our battles. It breaks my heart because he may seem like a monster but he still remains one of the nicest guys I have ever met.

Warmest Regards,

Gentle Ben

Dear Ben,

Thanks for your honest letter. At first it seemed like a simple issue of technique with uncircumcised dicks, but then you reveal that you both partied a lot with crystal meth and GHB. The relationship sounds like a sketchy gay warzone. Yes, this guy seems like a snarling beast when it comes to sexual issues, but you seem to have your own issues as well.

To recap: you were supporting him financially for two months while you guys did drugs and argued. He never answered your voice mails and text messages. Your sexual chemistry was fraught with judgment and conflict. All that sounds really unpleasant. How did this get past the first few encounters? Was it the drugs?

I hear that you are disgusted by this guy’s drug abuse, but what about your own? I don’t know if your drug use was something you started doing with this guy or whether it’s something you’ve been doing for a while. Drug addicts make for troublesome bedmates, ultimately. It might be time to seek professional help around your own substance use. What part of you gravitated toward this guy and what would stop it from happening again with another man?

As a massage practitioner, you’re accustomed to taking care of other people. It’s your job. This instinct can make you a magnet for people who will suck you dry. A lot of men in your situation would walk away with this story: I was in a relationship with a younger man who was a drug addict and took advantage of me. Even the way you sign your letter, “Gentle Ben,” has the ring of victimhood. But I wonder, given that you knowingly wallowed in this toxic mess of a relationship, if you have a distorted sense of your own capacity to take care of others. Something is amiss, both in your partner selection or your ability to do self-care, let alone take care of another human being. I’ve heard tales of woe from a lot of older men — about younger lovers who used them, took advantage of them or treated them in a reckless manner. While I completely sympathize with these men and have spent countless hours listening to their stories, I often find myself realizing that the problem is not just that these kind souls were unlucky in love. Part of the problem is that these men have poor boundaries and lack the confidence to tell younger partners how they want to be treated. They’re so intoxicated by the youth of their partners that they’ll put up with damn near anything.

ALANON meetings might be a fit for you. There are tons of gentle people out there who get treated like shit until they realize they are shaping their own relationships.

Kirk

See Kirk Read do live storytelling and performance in New York during Dixon Place's HOT Festival on August 1 and 2! The show will feature storytelling about getting stung on the dick by a sea urchin, evangelical lip synch and a photo show of a very restrained sex work client. https://www.ovationtix.com/trs/pr/671235

Tags: Relationships, Drug Addiction, Sexual Health
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Comments

God what a nightmare. I am SOOOOO tired of hearing complaints about life from poor poor people that do drugs. Your number one problem is that you do drugs. I'm sorry, I'm very very judgemental here - but folks that need to do drugs are loosers. Nothing, nothing one can say to me will change my mind. Drug use is a form of depression - you are not happy with life as it is - so you must 'enhance' it somehow to feel good. Get help right now!! Plain and simple. You need help with your life depression. You have no business being in a relationship while being a drug abuser ( and with another drug addicted guy too! - what a complete mess!) I wish you the best of luck on your path to a happy and content life.

Simply put: STOP THE DRUGS NOW ... no matter how you try to rationalize it, and no matter how many guys you know are "doing drugs just casually, not addicted, etc." -- TINA and all of her relatives are T R O U B L E for everyone involved with them. You don't need drugs to enjoy sex and enjoy life. STOP, my friend, STOP COMPLETELY AND NOW. You'll be SO happy you did when you look back on your experiences months and years from now. --Best wishes, Rod

People who can't spell loser are losers too.

Bill463 is exactly right. You love your drugs and your drama. This guy provided what you wanted. Time to move on and find your next disaster.

The hard part of course is making the change. Good luck to you in that.

having been there doing crystal, g and everything else under the sun for over 5 years i have to say ... really think about where these emotions are coming from. i was certainly a different person back then, things that were life-shattering are minor in retrospect. and the more you party, the more you stay in that mindset. his aggression, both of your psychological dependence, his emotional breakdowns, and the feeling that all of this brought you closer - sorry, that's the drugs. i totally agree with the other guys, get clean, and a lot of this misery will go away.

I'm not gonna call you an addict (I'm a recovering one, but that's me, not you), but here's the deal with using drugs to enhance sexual experience: It works TOO well. And if something works THAT well, it quickly becomes a necessary part of the experience. After that the sex starts to be about the drugs as much as about the sex, and the partner(s) participation starts to become less and less important. Why not just skip the sex and focus on the drugs?
That's what happened to me, and I've seen it so many times with other people. Sex on drugs always becomes about the drugs.
Also, this "nicest" guy is using you (consciously or not), and you're using him. Sounds like something you need to really look at.

I'm really kind of shocked at the first two responses. First off, Ben deserves our respect and support for reaching out honestly for help from others in his community. You have no right to judge or scorn him. You only make yourself part of the problem and not the solution.

People who are caught up in drug abuse are still humans deserving our respect and care. I've witnessed a lot of drug abuse in my time - and it's NEVER about the drugs. Drug abuse is a symptom of another problem, never the problem itself.

Yes, Tina is a gross and disgusting thing. Yes we should want it out of our communities. But that will never ever be accomplished by ostracizing our brothers and sisters who are lost in its grip. They need help, they need love, and they need healing most of all. Not hatred, anger, disdain, scorn, or any of the other things i felt seething out of the first two responses here.

Ben, learn the difference between what makes you happy and what gives you pleasure. Learn to work for what makes you happy. Learn to weed out the things that make you unhappy in your life. Learn to turn your attention away from fleeting pleasures that don't feed your happiness. But most of all learn to find others who can feed your happiness as well. And those who aren't capable of it need to be removed from your life. You can't support someone who isn't giving you back the same beautiful loving energy that you obviously pour out freely for others. And you can't wait for them to grow up to that phase, and you can't help them get there. It's unfortunately a part of the journey we have to all make alone before we can find someone to walk with us.

You are beautiful. Now dig up the strength and the energy that you turn to others and bathe yourself in it. You deserve that love. You deserve that power. When you make that change, when you walk down the street glowing in your own power, then others will seek you out to share in it. I wish you the best. Take good care of yourself first, get well, and then share that healing with the world.

I'm one of the first two responders. If saying that the guy's life is a mess is "judging or scorning" him, so be it. He asked for advice and he's getting it. Telling the guy that drugs are really a symptom and that he's a beautiful person only excuses self-destructive behavior.

Everyone has "issues" in life. This guy responded to his in the worst way possible. His chances of having a happy life are nil unless he lays off the drugs. That may be harsh, but that's the fact.

I'm surprised at PJ's judgment of the first two responders to the original writer. It seems to me that if I'm going to judge judgers because they judge, then I'm one of them. PJ, I'm guessing that you didn't intend to judge, but as I read your words, they felt judgmental to me. The rest of your response seemed caring, empathic and free from judgment. Thanks for writing it.
Alex

my gawddddddddddd what a freaking train wreck gay men are! What da hell is wrong with you people?!?!?!

Thank gawwwwwddddddd for my boyfriend!!!!!!!!!!!

I like what, PJ, had to say most of all, I've seen many friends and associates live the life-style, where ever I was; in Minn-Mpls, NYC, now Miami/FT. Laud.

I enjoy what I call, 'adult candies' since my teenage yrs.,but there's certain ones I won't touch...just being honest.

I think it's a real struggle for people with "addictive traits" anyway; for myself, I have none. If I do it's my every morning ritual; double shot of expresso while enjoying the sunrise, listening to the birds, thinking, stretching, silence.

Self preservation; a sence of spirituality, something that you'd never-ever betray within yourself, set a goal of sorts, an optimal level of being, physically/mentally/spiritually you
would want to reach and maintain.

...Maybe your not the only one in your group, who'd like to begin again, you'd be great support for each other!

I left my lover in 03', left the whole damn State, lol, ...he's an alchoholic, since 17yrs old. I didn't know it until I moved in with him for 10 1/2 months and he was under house arrest, it was his second DWI!

Your right, Justin, there are some really screwed up gay folks, but people generally, really.
If you need a crutch in life, it's not drugs bottom line!

Ancient peoples used drugs for spiritual-inlightening-creativity, ritual-reasons-of-rights, socializing, ect., some were/are quite toxic, others more mild and not harmful, so all drugs are not bad, but rather the disfuctional aspects of the self...

In that respect, America isn't a good place for drug usage, it's a difference of cultures, there's bound to be horrible outcomes. Many people are genetically predisposed even, some can handle mild usage, some can't handle anything.

The guys who created the "PC" for example, they were hippies, lol, but I'm no advocate of drugs either, there is a better, "origins in drug use" is all I'm saying. If they don't work for you don't do any, even if it's just, "drinking," alchohol, and anything else that is "mood altering" that you put in your body is a drug, technically.

Dear conservative, hard-liner,

I find your blithe, though brittle "just say no"approach to drug use offensive. If I were to take a magnifying glass to your life, I'll bet I'd find something just as ugly, disgusting and destructive in your behaviours. Tough love ain't love. It's impatience and intollerance tarted up with a bit of self righteousness.

The attitude that places you above us all means you will never know what it's like to struggle, to change and to experience the happiness that comes with growing, overcoming and progressing. Seems to me, your happiness rest solely on the tsk-tsk crumbling of your fellow man.

Trade that stone in for a real heart someday.

Best wishes.

Drugs are not the entire issue here. Another, and just as important, is Ben's inability to allow someone to take care for him. He is a care giver, but seeks relationships that are his giving care, not accepting care. And, for those of us who give of ourselves, the most difficult skill is to be open and willing to accept love and care from another. Mutual drug use is a successful strategy to build a relationship...a distructive one, but a relationship none-the-less. Being willing and open to both giving and receiving care and love is another way to build a relationship...although a much more difficult tactic. Build a solid relationship on mutual care and the drugs become meaningless.

I agree fully with the wisdom and compaasion of Kirk's respoinse. He's right on trrack. There is someone for everyone, in fact, most likely TWO or more more each of us.... no need to waste our percious and limited lives with those who apparently don't value us.
Kudos to Kirk!

Backyard Gardener, bullseye! That was powerful and so true, when you have no idea, what it's like to honestly struggle...I don't think that can be said enough of a lot of human situations actually. Righteousness is the result of struggle as it applies (having been there, done that).

Otherwise, you have no idea of what your talking about.

Drug are not the only issue here, so true! There's the inner issues with the self...

Having a very difficult time deciding which one is the bigger loser. Can't imagine either one being capable of sustaining a real relationship.

The only person the poster needs to be spending quality time with is a good therapist.

But due to some medical emergencies of one of us before the trip we have had to cancel it.
http://www.roomi.net

He is a drug user and what does he expect from another drug addict? The subject of the post itself does not make any sense. Whats with this uncut and uncleanliness. Will he suck a cut guy who hasn't showered in days?? You have a bigger problem in hand than a uncut boy friend!!

How anti-Gentile and Semitic of you. And drug abuser. END MALE GENITAL MUTILATION. It's tribal barbarism has no place in a civilized society. And Tina users are losers.

Gays are the last people in the world who can speak against intolerance when they are judging others. How are we supposed to tell others to have an open-mind when those who post are keeping theirs closed. It seems to me that the writer has more issues than the drugs. Drugs are probably used as an escape from those. Watch an episode of INTERVENTION to get better educated. those of you who are getting down on crystal users think nothing of going to a bar and getting drunk. Those in glass houses...

Kevstar69,

I'm not opposed to recreational drugs at all. I am opposed to the use of the drugs used in this case, as Tina is a toxic waste, an EPA contamination site, and so physically, emotionally, and psychologically addictive, it is worse than heroin, and worse than GHB. Responsible recreational drug use checks the FACTS and reduce the SELF-DESTRUCTION to OURSELVES.

EXACTLY. Check the website Hedonistic Imperative for the non-toxic recreational drugs. Just because their illegal does not mean they are unsafe. But meth, heroin, and GHB are INSANE. Killing yourself to get laid is lame.

<a>http://www.hedweb.com/hedab.htm</a>

Ben, I had trouble getting passed the first paragraph. A man who won't let you express your sensual interest by paying attention to his cock has an issue. Seeing as you state you are a massage therapist by profession, I highly doubt you didn't know how to treat that cock gently. Freud would have a small festival of thought on why this uncut male didn't want his cock fondled.

I will say to you as a gay man who has been involved with boyfriends who use drugs........if that takes center stage moreso than a good old heart to heart/ face to face/ eye to eye talk, then it's not working. Your choice to use drugs is yours. Why such hard core ones? Would I be wrong in guessing that mr uncut brought them into the mix? The mindset of a massage therapist, i.e, medical, therapeutic, healing, betterment....etc., doesn't seem to correlate with harsh drug use.
Did they make you feel better or just make you feel...... less?

Best of luck to you, and I mean that.
The uncut guy.......don't even look back. Move forward. Happiness that way......lies. See ya.

Uncut is better by far, I have seen more cut, mutilated cocks than I care to mention, sadly most done in the name of either religion or the American obsession with cleanliness.
One assumes that the parents of these poor scarred baby boys assume that they will never know how to wash properly, plus the membrane on the glans (it is NOT skin), becomes up to 30 times thicker after circumcision ... there goes your sensitivity.
Of course there is a place for circumcision when the foreskin is either attached or hyperspadia is involved .. otherwise, leave the penis in it's natural state.
These days, a lot of Doctors even consider the glans as an internal organ. For any readers who wish to disgree with the medical facts stated above, please don't contradict, I am a member of the medical profession and have great knowledge on this subject, hower your personal preferences are your right.

Sen. John Kerry has made it in politics. Now he wants to be a movie producer.

What silly comments are posted here! Of course the writer's (Ben's) drug use is a major issue. The larger problem, however, is co-dependency, drug use being one of the most obvious (and destructive) features of that larger problem. Fact is, virtually everything the writer identified indicates his gravitation toward a man (and men?) absolutely not right for him: his phobia for foreskin, the emotional unavailability of his partner, the exploitative economic dependency, the passive-aggressive jibes and negative comments, uncommunicativeness, and of course the drug abuse. Even his own need to inflict tickling on someone who hates it. If this drug use is still a part of the writer's M.O., then he should definitely seek immediate help for it. But whether it is or not, there remains the issue of why did he choose someone who is no good for him in every way. If this relationship was a unique experience, then chalk it up to just that, learn the many lessons to be had from it, be glad that it lasted only two months, and move on; but don't do it again! My guess, though is that anyone who takes on someone with so many incompatibilities and issues has a lot of their own. The author should seriously consider some professional guidance in understanding this experience and why he constructed it (it that two...), at least for a while as he reflects on it. It will help keep him from merely rationalizing rather than understanding this mistake. Otherwise, I'd bet money that he will repeat it sooner or later, even if in a different way. Meanwhile, I'd pay no attention to the facile soap-box preaching about drugs and one-dimensional catch-all semi-solutions that some folks posted here.

This is a rather ... intriguing blog. I had no idea what "Tina" is. This is an international website, and I'm not in the US. (Although drug use is obviously an international issue.) Meanwhile, what's "GHB"? Sorry to be so ill-informed. I feel I have discovered a lot about drug use - and the feelings it arouses. But I am totally puzzled by some of the rather bizarre posts. What on earth does "anti-Gentile" and "Semitic" have to do with it, for instance - how did Jews come into the picture? And then suddenly we have people writing about Senator John Kerry, boxing in Germany, and the Air France plane which crashed in the south Atlantic... As I said, intriguing blog, some good answers and sound advice for Ben, plus some rather aerated interventions which seem to have arrived here from Somewhere Else.

I know that there has not been any response here for a long time. But this is still a topic that some people seem to be missing the point. You had a two month relationship where the two of you partied, used drugs, he didn't like to work or do anything productive to suport himself and you found the sex hard to enjoy with him in many ways that you wanted to share with him. Yet you were in love with him. Maybe this is an oversimplification, but it seems to be what you are saying.

It is a sad fact of life that when you bring in illegla drugs and sometimes smoking and drinking alcohol into a relationship it then becomes a three way relationship. You now have two partners to please. I drink, but only socially. I am tired of people who need to be drunk to have sex. Those days are mostly behind a lot of us, but sadly not completely gone. I do not smoke and never have. Have you ever tongued an ashtray. It tastes like that when you kiss a smoker. Illegal drugs are just another factor to escape reality.

This is not a put down on those who use all these things, just a recognition that I don't. If I am going to be happy in a relationship, then we have to speak the same language or he has to be willing tomeet me half way. I can learn to respoect the language he speaks, but if I am not happy with his language (his drug use, his smoking, or any of his habits) then he is wrong for me. I can admire his personality or anything about him.

I admired certain actors ability to act and still think they have shit for brains. I really like some women actors, but that does not mean they would make good lovers for me. You are confusing your physical and mental desires for love and are not really ready to date yet. I say that because you don't know what you want or what you are willing to compromise to get love and affection in a relationship. When you don't get those certain things you then get upset when your own compromise does not please you. This is what dating is all about. Too many men go from meeting to a relationship before they date to get to know if they are mentally and emotionally compatable with the person.

We just get right into the physical and we know that works usually. We put the sex and looks before the simple things past what is your name and what kind of sex do you like. We seem to get too late to finding out what kind of a person someone is and how they want to live their life. Too many young gay men just bounce from one boyfriend to another and from one high to another. sometimes they just need to grow up.

This is not an anti drug use post, but perhaps it should be because drugs help to mask the real person and you only see the drugs and the person on drugs. I am personally against drugs because I don't share that interest. Like straight couples who only have a child and sex in common. Without the love and the intimacy of living a sharred life, they are bound to be unhappy in the long run. You can lie to each other, but sooner or later the lying to yourself has got to stop. Once you realize who you are, what you like and your standards for a partner in life then you will learn to find and look more selectively.

This very sweet person may be perfect for you in another year, ten years or in twenty years when he changes to become what you want and need. Either that or you will have to change to be like him. However, since you are supporting him I suspect that if you changed his attraction for the person enabeling him to be like he wants would quickly end. Good luck and you need to tell us a year or two down the road how it worked out or ended.