I’m Just Not That Into Him

February 13, 2009
Category: Dating

Dear Kirk,

So, we connected on the internet and decided to meet for drinks. Fifteen minutes after meeting (well, it really only took about 5) I realized this guy was not someone that I was interested in AT ALL! Truthfully, I was flattered when he emailed and I found out he was fifteen years younger than I am. Trying to keep a conversation going with someone whose only interests are going to Renaissance fairs, playing video games, and watching reruns of old TV shows on the Sci-Fi channel was difficult, to say the least. Especially since he never asked me one question about myself. I couldn’t call him to say I wasn’t interested because we didn’t exchange phone numbers. So, the next morning I sent a short email that I had enjoyed meeting him but didn't feel a connection and didn't think we had anything in common. Well, I got a diatribe back stating that you can't judge anyone on one conversation. So, what did I do that was so wrong?

Just Not That Into Him

Dear JNTIH:

I think you did your duty here. There are lots of guys who wouldn’t have contacted him at all, so I appreciate that you were honest with him. More and more, I find, people are using the internet to simply ignore one another. Especially with Valentine’s Day approaching, where people are looking for someone to love, it’s a good time to sharpen your dating game!

I’m curious about what sort of emails you exchanged in order to set up the date. It doesn’t seem like any of his hobbies came up in either his profile (assuming he had one) or in the emails you exchanged. You decided to meet for drinks, which is more of a blind date scenario than a sex hookup. I totally appreciate being flattered that someone you’re into (in your case a younger guy) wants to meet up with you. This could apply to any kind of guy we find attractive, especially if we’re a little surprised or happy that he’s also into us. It’s easy to operate on the basis of “stats first, compatibility later.” This is one thing if you’re just meeting for sex. But if you’re meeting for drinks or coffee or something more datelike, maybe you should ask a few more questions up front in your emails or phone calls, beyond height and weight and all of the rest of it. Or maybe just offer some of your interests and hobbies and see if he follows suit.

I have to defend Geek Nation a little bit here and say this about someone whose “only” interests are Renaissance Fairs, Sci-Fi TV reruns and video games. He probably has other interests, too…he probably listens to music, may read Sc-Fi novels, and may be a Trekkie. He may have other things going on. Geeks often have their own subculture, the way lots of different groups do. This does not make him a loser. It just means that your interests are different. Don’t judge the geek. I don’t agree with him when he says that you can’t assess a connection based on a single conversation. His feelings got hurt and he sent you a rant.

You say he talked the whole time, which can be a drag. When someone is socially awkward or nervous, talking too much can be a coping mechanism. Sometimes we get manic or insecure, sometimes we’re just used to taking up a lot of space. I think one of the kindest things you can do is to give someone clear feedback about this. It can be hard to interrupt someone who talks compulsively. Once, during a period when I was living in the country and starved for contact, I called a friend and talked way too much. At the end of our conversation, he said “The next time we talk, you need to ask me some questions.” Those words ring in my ear to this day. Wise words!

I am a big advocate of phone calls before you set up an actual date. If you two had spoken on the phone, you probably would have discovered his tendency to talk compulsively. Get someone on the phone and have a little open-ended discussion that’s not focused on where you’re going to meet. Think of your phone conversation as a sort of pre-date. Find out what you can. Tell them what you want them to know. The guy you’re talking to might find that some of your attributes or interests don’t turn his crank, either. Which is fine! We can’t be compatible with everyone.

Good luck to you.
Kirk

Please send questions to Kirk Read at kirk@daddyhunt.com

Tags: Intergenerational Connections, Relationships, Advice, Dating Tips
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Comments

Does anyone here twitter? This is such a great site. I've met a few guys here. Hope to hear from someone

I've been on twitter for a while and I can't see how you can meet someone on that site. How are you using it?

Stuart

You know Brian I'm disappointed but not really surprised that you decided to make the debacle of our first (and, thankfully, last) meeting public here on DaddyHunt. I note that for all your much vaunted "principles" you didn't bother to ask me for permission to publish. You will not, therefore, object if I give my side of the story: From the moment you opened the door dressed only in a pair of outsize hobnail boots and a tiny british policemans' helmet I knew that our meeting was destined for disaster. While I concede that your version of the subject matter of my side of our "conversation" is substantially true, you fail to mention the fact that you then launched into a discourse on lamp shades which lasted all of 55 minutes. You also tap danced and farted loudly causing me considerable distress. Your apartment was full of dead flowers which you claimed were "an aid to the atmosphere" causing me to throw up. Really I think you should have the decency to acknowledge your part in all this instead of denouncing me to a stray internet "Therapist".

Dwight you got it wrong. I didn't write to Kirk about our meeting, I wouldn't be so dumb -this is some other guy. You didn't mention the fact that you arrived dressed as Buzz Lightyear by the way. May the force be with you.

I am the tiny british policeman mentioned and I would like my helmet back please.

OK I got it wrong. Nothing left for me to do now but shoot myself into Space. To Infinity and Beyond!

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HAAAAAAAA!!!!

I think the 'net is more a place for the Impossible To Please showing their true colors as they blunder on rejecting and dismissing one and all for everything from tobacco odors to talking too much. Crunch the numbers & check out the mirror guys: who's in any position to carry on like they're channeling Carrie Bradshaw?

In the real world true long-term compatibility happens when there are shared values and a shared history. Behavior, interests and politics actually don't figure into it at all and I fail to see what's wrong with a geek who's into Renaissance Fairs etc anyhow.

The bottom line of course is that if you have a precious wish-list you really need to be quite specific with an escort agency booker, and if you're STILL unsatisfied with what shows up then you may have some cause for complaint. But if you want true love and happiness with a soul mate (for free!) you need to learn that God really is laughing his ass off at your petty agenda!

As a young man (23), this gentleman did do the right thing. While it is true you can't really judge a guy on one conversation, you can however get a general idea depending on the things about the other person. Like the younger only being into himself and showing no interest in the other person. To me that is enough reason to tell the person it wouldn't work out. Not to say the younger is bad, just he has work to do and have more learning in life ahead. This is a good example of past generation vs. current generation (trust me, I love older, not being offensive here), but it shows that some mature men have class still, and that younger people now a days have a harder time showing that same class. Sure they can get it in 25+ years, but chances are they won't. Gentlemen, honesty, truthfulness, caring, and compasion are dying breeds so to speak as the day goes on.

Dwight Dibble refers to Kirk as a "stray internet 'therapist'" whilst Brian Butt says he "wouldn't be so dumb" as to tell Kirk his problems. I very much resent these insults to a man who, quite rightly in my opinion, has been likened to "Our Lord Jesus Christ Himself".

One man's poison is another man's cure. I'd love to find a young geek into old sci-fi, video games, and/or a little goth. While I don't relate to spending my days at the gym I'm in far better shape than a majority in my age bracket, haven't been to the symphony or opera in decades, but love to go to concerts for emerging rock & metal bands. I'm also Mac, Windows & Linux friendly and looking to share more than just a sexual experience. And the young man who may talk to much because he's nervous/excited probably is experiencing lots of new things in his life unlike the older-been-there-done-that-attitude that is so prevalent once past 30. So while clearly no love-connection was made here, there are plenty of possibilities for both. Please feel free to refer the young geek to me.

Wow, Silverbear, you look like my kind of bear. I love talking about classic and modern SF. Metal is great, but Kraftwerk is even better. An older Man into all that an besides being hairy and kinky, beyond my wildest dreams. It is really difficult to find somebody who shares not only your sexual interests, but also your intellectual ones.

And I for one, run away from people who cannot stand my geekhood. But for a shag, i do not mind.

My husband, who is on DH as BBRB2009 LOVES old movies, sit-coms and the like. I'm the computer geek and he doesn't understand my interest in old RPG games either. There are mixes and mixes of traits and complements and diversity. If my husband and I were the same person, wouldn't that be incredibly boring?
I talk too much when I'm nervous or tired. I know this. So does Brian. He just tunes me out when I go to prattling on because he knows I'm just tired, since I no longer have any reason to be nervous.
He tends to channel some old guy once in a while (he's 7 yrs younger than me) and will go on and on about people I don't know and all these anecdotal stories that mean something to him, but have no relevence to me at all. You know what I do? I nod and listen. I love him. This is how he interacts and if I pay attention, I realize that he IS telling me something relevent. It'as the way he communicates deeper stuff in his head and heart that he can't talk about any other way.
Also...young geeks and artists/musicians! Come on and get it! We love 'em.

You just were not sexually into the guy. If you were, you would have found his prattling on and interests quite endearing. We've all been there. You absolutely did the right thing though by telling him that you were not interested. Kudos to you. A shame that more gay men don't do this.

I agree, you are almost Kirk-like in your wisdom. Its important not to feel inadequate just because you are considerably older as this person is. Also I would imagine that the ability to be able to say why don't you shut the fuck up and suck on this you noisy bitch, in Klingon, would be an excellent social asset in this context.

Good point MM, also I wonder what the Klingon for "who would be so stupid as to write to Kirk about anything" would be.

Happy to help out, lc, Klingon is a very economical language and can express those multiple concepts in one word: twat.

A shame that more gay men don't do this. <a href=http://downseekz.com>dz</a>

Well, it seems to me that what you did wrong was air your dirty laundry under the guise of self-pity. If you were truly the person you claimed to be, you would not try to gain bonus points by playing the victim while at the same time indirectly embarrassing someone else. Perhaps it didn't work out because he sensed you had no sense of moral conduct. He was trying to impress you and you were just waiting to let him know he was beneath you. Couldn't you have just left it at telling him no? Yes his feelings were hurt because he had expectations. But you wanted younger and that is how younger men act. If you thought of his age as less a flattery of yourself and a reflection of his life experience, maybe you could have shown him a little respect.

Quite simply, you were rude. Maybe not at the time, but if you are rude in retrospect, it's still rude.

Dear Orange_Zookeeper,

It just wasn't there. He didn't like you. Nobody can control to whom and what they're attracted. Not giving his number when you parted was a gentle hint. Like saying "thanks" (period) to someone who emails you out of the blue, and you find you're not interested. If you're going to force the issue by not picking up on that hint, then you ought to be prepared to hear the "wrong" answer. Putting a lot of energy in to making him out to be a jerk only makes you a fool for being interested in him. Better to just let it go and put that energy in to looking for someone who has more in common with you. Now go put on your Lieutenant Uhura costume and fire up the Play Station.

I wanted to offer a different take on the advice Kirk gave.

First, I agree that a phone call is always needed prior to a first meeting. It is important that you hear someone speak and see if the person you have been writing is the same person you are now speaking to. Very different parts of the brain are used in writing than speaking, and one needs to be able to see if the same sort of person in one seems to be present for the other.

I think deciding not to date someone after one brief date is foolish. Both parties are typically nervous and rarely, if ever, does either person see a true depiction of the person they are meeting. Especially if the other person is the younger and less experienced of the two.

Unless the other man (or woman) arrives high, admits to a felony, or insults you, I think you should go a little deeper. It's hard to find anyone who is serious enough to move from the Web to the real world. Give him credit for doing so and meet again.

And if you are not interested, I don't think a dear John letter is necessary unless you have been dating a few months. No need to tell someone you are not interested--let your actions speak for you and just let it fade away....

Happy Dating,

David Ezell
http://justskimmed.blogspot.com/

At the ripe old age of 30, and still very much considering myself a "Boy" I try and excersize a bit of compassion for my younger self, expecialy when I see that geeky young man trying to make his blundering way thru life. At least the kid's interests were not Meth and barebacking.

As someone who dates older men I am quite candid that there are moments where our age differences will be very apparent. You cannot expect a 20 yo man to behave like a 35 yo man and expecting him to mature 15 years for your needs is not realistic. If you do not delight in how he sees the world, if young men annoy you, then you should not date them.

That said, you did the right thing. He may not appreciate it now, but in 15 years I'm sure he will have a different view of things. You hurt the fragile ego of an awkward young man and he reacted with anger. Don't take it too personally.

@David Ezell

If there's nothing there on the first date. It is rare that something will be there on the 2nd or 3rd. Just as we make a decision to date or not date based on someone's pics online, if the "IT Thing" does not exist within the first 5 mins it most likely will never show up.

You should always tell the guy that you are not interested in him, if he shows interest in you. To not say anything and have him wondering for weeks on end is disgusting and something gay men have absolutely got to stop! If for no other reason it provides closure to him and allows him to better deal with the apparent rejection.

Hi Justin,

Thanks for the thoughtful response.

The idea that you will know in five minutes if a man is right for you is a classic example of black and white thinking. You are selling him, and yourself, short. Go to my blog and read some of the post on it if you want to know more...

And as for you wanting to write rejections to the men you don't connect with, I am not sure how that would make them feel better. But I have a question for you. Why so homophobic? Is it just gay men who do this? Go talk to a few straight women and compare notes.

Happy hunting.

David

Thank you Kirk you are the greatest. I for one refuse to believe that these blogs are made up because firstly who would be so lacking in common sense as to get themselves into these situations? and secondly then humiliate themselves by telling you about it knowing that they risk thereby making their stupidity public as well as getting a patronising commentary from you. That's just a nasty rumor planted by those who are jealous of your intelligence Kirk, though not, if I may say so, your looks.

I think Jntih did the right thing by letting the guy know he wasn't interested in moving forward, so many guys just play the ignore game if they don't match up. It could be because I'm older, and pretty confident in who I am, that I don't take the "I'm just not that into you" as a personal attack on my character, or personality. We are all different people, with different wants, and qualities. It doesn't make it wrong, or bad, when the attributes of another are different from yours, it's just that there's a mismatch. Wouldn't it be great, if we could just recognize that we don't fit, shake hands, and go our separate ways, without having to ridicule, or belittle the other person to make ourselves feel confident? I respect someone who's honest with me, as I am with them.

Hear hear Jntih

Some gay guys make me sick!!!!!!!