Better Sex From This Day Forward

December 25, 2008
Category: Sexuality

Editor's Note: The gifts are all open, and maybe a few of them are a little naughty.  Now what?  He're are 10 tips to better sex starting today and for the new year.

Ok – we all know that sex is a normal and natural part of who we are... or at least we should know that. Here are my top 10 tips to keep sex fun as we start a new year!

1)    Know what you want!  If you want “warm fuzzies” and someone to wake with up in the a.m., then cruising the internet or your local sex club might not be the right place. On the other hand, if all you want is to have some hot sweaty sex – get yourself to the place that best fits your cruising style.

2)    Reread and rewrite that profile. Most of us forget to review and update our profiles. Shake it up. Look for boring language.  Stuck for an idea? Ask a sex buddy or pal to offer a few suggestions.

3)    Ask for what you want! Figure out what kind of sex is turning you on today.

4)    Read a dirty story together or rent a video by a new producer.

5)    Expand your horizons; get creative with where and when you have sex. It doesn’t always have to be after hours. Try some “Love In the Afternoon” or before breakfast.

6)     Single? Take control and buy yourself one of my favorite toys, the Fleshlight (Right: "Fleshlight Original Butt" shown). This soft, pliable and very doable “sleeve” sits in a plastic holder and slips snugly on your member. Stroke it slow or fast. It’s got remarkable sensation and easy to clean afterwards. Step it up a notch and ask a pal (or two) to help you with it.

7)    Get your camera out! Gone are the days when we had to depend on others to develop our images. Get out that tripod (or a bean bag to rest it on) and check out the extra features your digital camera has. Many of them come with the ability to film mini movies that are easy to transfer to a computer. Read the instructions and find out how to use the delay feature, to catch you at your finest in a solo moment! The nice thing about digital cameras, is if you don’t like what you shot, delete and try again.

8)    Get Wet! Check out your local phonebook to see if you have any venues that rent time with private hot-tubs. You and a friend (or two) can rent the space by the hour. Many of them also come with a private sauna and shower. Already have your own hot-tub – host a “naked” soak night. Ask a few pals over, remind everyone to bring their own towels, some snacks or a favorite beverage and off you go.

9)    Take a weekend away. Disconnect from the computer and your mobile phone.. go somewhere you haven’t been before with that special person and just have some tourist fun. Be “naughty” and hit the local bathhouse or “nice” and plan a romantic dinner for two. Either way, it’s a special time for you to enjoy.

10)   Get a massage. Take advantage of the recession rates many of your local massage talent may be offering. Ask around and get someone who knows how to “rub” you the right way. Not all massages include a “happy ending” – so be sure and ask what’s included or be clear with what you want so you aren’t surprised or disappointed.
 

Tags: Advice
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Comments

Great suggestions Frank. Thanks Guys for the Blog.

Great Articles. -- Daddy Bill in Salinas, CA.

While it's all well and good to include massage as a way to help a person feel better, if a person gives happy endings, they are not a massage therapist, but a prostitute.

Don't lump the highly trained and dedicated massage therapists in with the hookers, please.

To Paul Brown : The term "hooker" has not been in use for 20 years. Plus, there are very good, trained massage therapists nowadays who provide a happy ending to their client, and that doesn't make them subhumans. On the contrary, these are often times the most dedicated and generous individuals. Charlatans are everywhere, and those are the ones we want to avoid.

Well, seeing as I used hooker just a few days ago means that it's still in use.

It doesn't matter if a person is trained or not. If they are having sex with their clients for money, they are prostitutes. And while I believe that prostitution should be legal and regulated for the well-being of the sexworkers and their clients, the fact remains that because of prostitutes hiding behind the cover of massage, it casts a shadow over the industry as a whole.

I am very clear when I seek out massage that I am looking for a non-erotic experience, but it is not uncommon for many of these so-called trained massage therapists to try to insert an erotic component anyway. This is a serious ethical boundary issue. When a person gets on a massage table, they are making themselves vulnerable in order to receive a healing experience. For the person in the therapeutic role to violate the trust of the client is very damaging, not just to the client, but to the industry as a whole.

For instance, I went to a massage therapist in the Castro two months ago because I had heard that his massage was a wonderful experience. He works out of a room in his apartment which is too small for the work, having also a desk and a couch in the room; he couldn't get into a proper stance to best use his power. Moreover, he kept brushing his genitals through his shorts on me, which every time he did brought me out of my relaxed state and made me tense up. So because I could feel his body shaking when he was trying to do deep tissue on me, which indicated that his body mechanics were not good (as a result of the cramped space), and because he was making this into some sort of sensual encounter, I wasn't able to relax and get any long-lasting benefit from the session, which at the price he was charging, should have been much better than it was.

I had explicitly said to him that I didn't want any sort of erotic work done on me, and that I really needed some work on my arms and hands. Instead, he rubbed his very muscular body all over me and gave me a generic massage. I could feel when he was aroused from this, and it was very disturbing to me, because he wasn't paying attention to my needs, and was just using me for his own purposes.

To me, this is an ethical boundary that he shouldn't have crossed with me. I can go on to massage therapy discussion fora all over the place and cite stories just like this from clients who have their boundaries violated like this all the time.

The biggest beef I have with this isn't that he shouldn't be doing this if he can make a living at it, but that he shouldn't be calling himself a massage therapist. A therapeutic relationship has a serious ethical component to it, and this is the real issue. People come to therapists for help and healing.

And there are issues for the therapist as well. For instance, if a therapist has a client who he has been performing masturbation on, and the client comes to expect this as a part of the session, what happens if the therapist doesn't want to do it on a particular day? Suddenly the client is left wondering what happened, because these loose boundaries were tightened up. The client might go away and not come back because of that. Or the therapist might feel pressured by the client to perform a sexual favor when they would rather not.

There are whole hosts of issues surrounding the mixing of sex with a therapeutic relationship - why do you think clients can sue their psychotherapists if they start a sexual relationship with them? There is a big power differential in any kind of therapeutic relationship.

The bottom line for me is call yourself something else if you're going to have sex with your clients, because you're not a massage therapist.

Hi Paul

Thanks for the reminder that professional body workers are offering an experience that comes with training and a great deal of ethics and professionalism. Which is why I recommend that people discuss with the therapist beforehand exactly what they need from the session to make it a good fit.

I agree with studmale's comment on this point. Some (not all) of those "trained and dedicated therapists" you mention do in fact offer a wide range of options during a session. Especially in San Francisco where the link between health, sex and physical touch has long been explored.

I agree that it's best to discuss up-front with the them what is expected and not expected. Of course, even when you do that, that's not always the result you get, as I mentioned upstream.

studmale...I think the term "hooker" made the right message..."for is not a rose by any other name yet a rose?" maybe you'd like to enlighten us old farts what we should be calling a HO these days to be politicallly correct. while I have no problem with guys giving erotic massages if that's what the "customer" (don't s'pose I dare call him a "John") wants, I do agree that it's a form of prostitution if money is changing hands.

Thanks Frank for the great advice on sex for the new year. Sex advice is all ways welcome especially when its coming from someone as handsome as yourself. Woof !.

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