Getting Attention Online - What Does it Take?

November 11, 2008
Category: Dating

Having used the internet as a way to meet new friends and sex partners for well over 10 years, every so often I have to step back and wonder… is it worth the amount of time it eats up?

But to answer that – I have to do some serious thinking about my role and my understanding of “needs” and “wants.”

One of the first questions I routinely ask myself when I log-in is “why?” Why am I online and what am I looking for? Is it about the search for love, friendship, understanding? Or more base level and seedy, talking about doing some young stud in the alley?

Don’t get me wrong, all of these are viable things to be using the internet for – the secret is to understand what it is that I want in those moments.  It’s that age-old battle in our search for the magical balance between momentary “lust” and lasting “warm fuzzies.”

Of course, when I’m not getting the hits I want or the kind of responses I expect, I have a few tricks that focus me back to the present.

First, I start off with a reality wake-up call. How honest am I being? Is what I’m writing matching who I am in the moment? Are my pictures and profiles updated? We all get stuck with the one picture we want to use over the more recent, but less flattering ones we have. I re-read my profile. When I read my words, are they reflecting the desires of who I am still? We change daily and so do our wants and needs.

So then I need to look at my “me, me, me place”. We all go to that place from time to time.  It’s healthy to visit it but sometimes it sabotages us. We might put too much emphasis on where to meet (his place or mine), what kind of encounter it is going to be (a relaxing coffee and get-to-know-ya or some quickie in the garage) or other details such as does he smoke, etc. Those kinds of details, while creating some clarity in our communication with the other person, can also create passive resistance to making something happen.

Ultimately, I have to decide if it is worth it.  Sometimes it is. When I meet a person online that I connect with as a new buddy or a potential sex partner it can be great and enrich my life. But, I need to really stay clued into who I am and what I want from the internet. I have to remember to control my time and use of it and not allow it to control me. It’s not a magical place; it’s a tool that allows me more exposure to and opportunity to meet other men that share common interests.

You will notice I didn’t say a lot about the other guys online. That’s because ultimately you can’t control what he says, presents or puts in his profile. But, you can control yours. Keep your side of the street clean and if the connection isn’t there, you can walk away feeling like you gave it an honest and fair shake.

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Comments

Hey Frank and all else who reads this,
I'm glad you posted this on here. So often, I look at someone's posting, and it has outdated info, such as planned trips, 3 months ago still in the profile. Pics are the same, if you have had the same age and pic for 3 years, there is definitely a change when someone meets you and it isn't the same at all.
I try to update mine at least once a year.
We have the only gay owned adult/leather shop in San Diego, and many guys on here stop in when their traveling thru our fair city, and the last thing I want is a misleading picture and have people disappointed if I gained 10 pounds since the pic. Some take things too literal in profiles, but truth does help when your advertising yourself, for friends or partners. Be honest, stay horny, and say hi if you like, love meeting and meating new people.
Bill

Hey Bill..

Thanks for the comment. I bet it was your shop then my partner and I hit while in San Diego a few weeks back. Was shaping up to be a nice place. Looking forward to seeing the classes starting too.

Frank

Hello everyone. Lack of money is no obstacle. Lack of an idea is an obstacle.
I am from Armenia and too poorly know English, give please true I wrote the following sentence: "By purchasing airline tickets on our web site, you are understand."

Thank :o Theodora.

Well, brother Strona, this was an interesting analysis of the internet and the hours and hours of time wasted in front of a monitor and chatting with strangers most of whom one will hardly ever meet. The problem i think is four fold: one there is still systemic internal shame of queer/gay men [who have never been boys to grow into men] such that there is a severe lacking in able to relate emotional and only physically via butts and cocks. I say this because what really is the mentorship transistion from gay boy to gay man? Do you realise that most of us queer gents over 45 years were in our high school years and early twenties so clandenstine with shame over our innate desires that all we have done is transported that shame into the platform that is the internet m4m boards? Count the number of headless postings and you get my drift here. Now, you may feel shameless at your bars, clubs and annual street fetes to "expose" yourself since there is a bit of power in numbers but in your own home back into your mental closet you go; second, i cannot get over the number of times, i chat up with somebody only to find out deep into "where shall we meet" portion that the other half is partnered. How is it that one can be in a committed male2male relationship,and not getting their sex needs met and thus,in my mind,not getting their emotional ones met either? Does play with an anonymous third person with one or both of the men in a committed relationship enhance their own emotional relating to one another? It obviously is only a temporary physical needs fix. What about the emotional well being of the third party? Is that ever considered? Sex is easy emotions are a whole other ball of wax and are not being address in the queer/gay male community. And, i dont need to tell you this leads to the rampant use of drugs, etc.; third, as a queer male of colour, I have checked out of the so-called community due to the abysmal failure to deal with and address systemic racism within that community. It can rally and demonstrate about marriage items, hiv items but be coldly silent about the nefarious racism and patronization within its own ranks with its own friends and colleagues. And just because a majority of whites are elected a half white, half african man as president of the native american conglomerate called united states, does that mean that racism is a dead issue. Four hundred plus years of racial, economic and political discrimination cannot be erased so easily especially by a child totally clueless of even his father's Kenyan MauMau liberation from the Brits roots. I digress but the central point is that given that the majority of the males on these internet boards are of european stock and they are generally lacking in the mores of African, Asian or Lation acculturation some folks make huge errors in judgment and close the door before it can even be knocked on by their ignorance; and finally, the only reason on "logs on" is their cock is twitching or their ass is itching it as simple as that. Folk need to be more truthful to themselves and in turn they can give a hint of being more truthful and honest with me. If you have a open partnership relationship and you need you buns worked by nice dark meat then say that. If you cant do it in your home with the consent of your partner and they like wise then you are not in an open partnership and your relationship has issues it needs to work on and out before engaging others into the dynamic and thus spreading the emotional contagion. If you are single and have a revolving door say that too so that both parties can negotiation and make certain their emotional and physical health is well guarded.

Howdy - Great piece. The part about being in the moment and keeping a profile up to date and honest was spot on. The men on D-Hunt are the nicest guys and I think I know why. Mauturity matters. The need for bs just falls away. Man the day I turned fifty was great. Almost as good as the day I turned 30 because I was finally able to say, "Yes. You can now adress me as Sir."

Damn thing is though, and lemme tell ya I laughed so loud it was almost embarrassing, I got carded the other night! Hmmn I wonder if that guy was just hitting on me? No matter it was still, for me, just too dang funny.

I'm 21 and live in Nairobi, Kenya. Like most of Africa and some other parts of the world, extremely conservative. Being gay is considered...well...insane. But I am gay. And I am here. The social situation here makes it really hard to meet people in the streets or in clubs or even in the park...there's not a single gay club in Nairobi by the way, just some gay-friendly clubs.
Point is, the easiest place one can meet a 'mate' for friendship or sex, the later being the most common sought after thing, is the internet. I've used DH for maybe a day before realizing that IP addresses from my region or something have been blocked for spamming or something of the sought. But I'm in another site and on reading your post, it got me thinking...why? That's one question that for some reason, when loging on to the site, I avoid. But, updated pictures, true description of myself, that's the most important thing. I wouldn't want to give false expectations.
Someone once asked me why I'm attracted to older men...the only answer I could give is that I just am. Does anyone here have a concrete reason for their preference in terms of age...which by the way, once I'm told, I forget. It's just a number. It's the person's personality I get attracted to. I just answered the question, didn't I?

Hey Frank,
Nice post. and yes I have wondered about the same thing.

In the end realized that I mainly cruise on the internet sites just to meet people arround the globe, perhaps we click, perhaps we talk, perhaps we meet, perhaps we make friends, perhaps we don´t. There is everything going on.

I have met (locally, nationally and internationally) many friends, people, sex encounters. Somehow, sometimes, make things "easier". But I still beleive nothing beats the real thing. Is more exciting.

Nice chatting with you, and, "see you arround".... big kisses for you Sexy Frank...
Edson

Hi guys. Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones who will be writing about you.
I am from African and also am speaking English, give true I wrote the following sentence: "Locations only wonder in the indonesia's biggest web item instructions of bangka belitung solo."

With respect ;), Lilo.

been on daddy hunt 3 different times met no one waste of time..
been on other pay sights me tone person in 12 years ..
oh my god
is all I have to say in seattle

henry84155